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Kythani knelt by the fireplace farthest from the sleeping alcoves, grabbing the bowl and silencing it when it clattered against the stone. She held her breath a moment. No sounds emanated from behind Gaetha’s door. Thank Goddess, she’d have a fit over this.
What she was trying was no dark witchery, but it was far from the herbcraft Gaetha limited herself to—and, when she could, her student.
A candle Kythani had made by nights—the only passable one of a lumpy batch—flared to life when she touched wick to embers. Heat fluttered against her hand; she pulled the candle back, waited for the wax to soften and then let the prescribed three drops fall to the hearth flags. There— She anchored the candle’s base in the wax and pulled The Arcana closer.
Summer beetles, still young with spring, cricked outside. Gaetha’s herbcraft warded the large cottage seamlessly. No insects, and more importantly none of the Ynes Naht forest’s less harmless denizens, could cross the threshold or creep between cracks in the wall.
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Very well done, nice writing. My first comment is that your second paragraph seemed clunky toward the end. I'd suggest reworking "and, when she could, her student" into a separate sentence, and explain what you mean by that. It wasn't clear to me.
I am ambivelent about your title. Obviously the story will entail witchcraft with a title like that, but I think the title is WAY too overdone. Book of Shadows is the title of an autobiography I read a while ago, and it's on every pagan website on the internet. It doesn't stand out as unique and wouldn't grab my interest if I saw it on the spine of a book on a bookseller's shelf.
Now, if you played with the name -- and bear with me because I have no idea what your story will end up being like -- something like: The Lost Book of Shadows, or the Crooked Book of Shadows, or the Cursed Book of Shadows... that gives you an idea of what I mean.
My last comment would be about the beetles who "cricked" outside. I like the writing, I'm just thinking you should lose the italics on that word. It weakens the nice use of italics for the characters thoughts.
Good start!
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited August 05, 2005).]
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Actually I was going to say that you don't need italics for the character's thoughts, because you are deeply in her POV and everything you're telling us is her thoughts and her perceptions - the italics are clutter and draw attention to your formatting rather than what you're saying. Agree on not italicizing crick.
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The writing and POV presentation is pretty good, though you have a few minor glitches. The bowl in the first sentance comes out of nowhere. The use of "emanated" seems a bit wordy. And that second paragraph really needs to be recast. Similar scale issues crop up in the other paragraphs, but overall the text isn't bad.
Unfortunately, you're beginning your story in a very cliche place. Perhaps you don't have a choice, maybe it's a short short (though with this opening I'd immediately judge it to be too cliche, fairly or not). If I'm to take any interest in another story about an apprentice witch/wizard/whatever meddling with the dark arts you need to get me interested in the character first. At least I should understand why she's doing this. Only then do I have room in my heart to care (okay, I have a small heart, so shoot me--you probably won't hit anything vital ).
Also, it is helpful if you follow the advice to mention length, genre (though it's pretty clear in this piece), and your intentions in posting.
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The last few sentences were a touch confusing, alittle jumbled, but i love the premise, and I'd be honored to read more. Also, in the second sentence, it said somethig like "...the herbcraft she limited herself to, and when she could, her students." Id recommend changing that to "...the herbcraft she limited herself, and her students, to..."
Posts: 35 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Agree on the title, but my first novel has already taken the title [i]Horrible Bloated Epic[i]. I suppose the title for this one has to be, [Horrible Bloated Epic: The Prequel]. I write novels. Short stories and I don't get along well. And my novels kill lots of trees.
Genre is horror/fantasy, projected length 100,000 words or thereabouts. Sorry, posted without knowing conventions.
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If it's long, you can definitely start this somewhere that lets us get to know Kythani as a unique character before you show her doing something so cliche as "turning to the dark side".
Oh, and you forgot to mention your intentions. I hope that they're...honorable?
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