Well, the lack of punctuation in those first two sentences are killers, really. By the time I got to the word "which" in the second sentence, I would have rejected it.
Also, it would a be a good idea to clue us in on the gender of the narrator, because that would make all the difference with the taped signs that proliferate, really.
I did like that it seems certain signs make appearances on certain days... that's interesting. The rest feels like standard schoolyard taunting, which unless the narrator goes all kinds of Carrie on the other students, could be a tough sell...
Regarding the story title, what is it? Short Story 4? If so, consider not using it -- I doubt it would make an editor pick it out of slush any sooner... I wouldn't be impressed, and I'd wonder why an author couldn't take the time to choose a title that fit the story. But that's me ... I can't speak for any other editors.
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How would you have punctuated them differently? They are kind of difficult to wade through but I'm not sure more punctuation would help much; I'd consider breaking them up to let some air in.
Is Short Story 4 really the title? It doesn't do anything for me but maybe it makes sense if you read the full story.
I am curious about why the narrator let them put the sign on him and I'm wondering why there's a different sign for every day.
I am also curious about whether 1st person present is going to work for this piece or not. It's noticable but so far not too annoying, although I can't be sure that I could stand it for 12k words. If you're aiming at a lit mag that publishes a lot of 1st/present stuff I wouldn't worry about it, though.
posted
Beth: Well, looking at them anew, I agree the first sentence should be broken up, probably first stopping after "in the morning." The second sentence could use a comma before "which."
Posts: 1520 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
I’m guessing this story is going to be about the torment of some poor soul. But I never get a sense of the character to care. He’s getting bullied, he knows it and yet we have no sense of who he is. You need more here
Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Hope this isn't too late. I happen to like the power-walking "drive" of the sentences, the first two especially. He has his head down, his thoughts would be gushing, seems to me. As another member mentioned, though, I can't imagine reading 12K words at this rate of steam.
There's a nagging question for me, and those are good, assuming the answer is coming up--and really soon for this one. The question is, why did he try to pretend the sign wasn't there? And, once he sees he can't do it, why doesn't he raise his bookbag to hide it, or reach behind him and tear it away with his fingers? Take off the coat? Maybe I'm missing it; if he's living in "denial"...and denying that the sign is there...wouldn't you want to mention the denial much earlier?
As an editor: I would read one or two paragraphs more, looking for the reason he persists with the sign. How does his denial fit in? If you answer those questions well, I'd go farther.
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The punctuation things I see aren't so much style as grammar. I put in a couple of fixes below.
Try moving it to 3rd person, past tense. It's not a firm rule (what is?), but I think it would improve this one.
I can't imagine why a high-school students would allow such a sign to be stuck on his back once he knows it's there. Since I can't imagine it -- tell us, in the story!
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I get off the bus at 7:45 in the morning with my book bag hanging low against my spine [COMMA HERE; OR YOU CAN MAKE IT 2 SENTENCES] and turn up the collar of my jacket so I don’t have to look at anyone walking alongside me. My eyes are glued to the front doors of the school [COMMA] which are only a few feet away[SEMICOLON OR COMMA] but feel farther as I power[HYPHEN]walk toward them, trying to avoid all the eyes that I know are glued to my back.
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