posted
This is a story like nothing I've ever written before. Readers welcome.
The Cosmology
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And God said, Let there be light; and there was light.
On the time scale of the universe, it took almost no time at all for mankind to be born. His star was only second generation, and he emerged while his star was still young and healthy. Several versions of humanity competed with each other until only one survived. This surviving humanity thrived, and came to dominate the Earth. He formed civilizations, and built temples and cathedrals to worship his God.
Time passed, and humanity built machines to assist with tasks physical, and later, tasks intellectual. He learned to unleash the primal forces, and used those forces against himself. But he learned, and by learning, he lifted himself from his home and ventured into the universe.
[This message has been edited by Spaceman (edited August 28, 2005).]
posted
Well, the first sentence is actually from another book, isn;t it?
In what you've published so far, there's no hint of what's going to happen, no hint of a main character (or whether there's even going to be one), nothing to really indicate wheret his story is going.
And yet, because of the opening quote, I'd read on to find out. So if you want a critique (and aren't in a hurry), send it along...
posted
Yes, the first 3 lines were from another source. Unfortunately, this particular story starts at the beginning, and that seems to be the most efficient way to make that idea clear.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
I like God stories and would be interested in reviewing this. (ever read the Giants trilogy by James P Hogan?)
I hope your story doesn't end like the book you took your first couple lines from. The first half of the book you never quite figure out who the main character is. (Spoiler Alert) Then shortly after you meet the main character he gets killed. The rest of the book is talking about what the death means. The last chapter was bit of a downer and didn't leave the plot resolved.
posted
It's interesting. There's a bit of a time-scale issue, you refer to 13 billion years as "almost no time at all", then you imply that a million years was long enough to be interesting in it's own right, then you speak of ten thousand years as being a passage of time, then a few hundred years with the same attention.
It seems rather era-centric, no? I suppose that it would be hilarious if eventually the story got down to Ensign Veriedy turning on the sonic shower and waiting an equally important length of time for it to start working, but I don't really sense that. And it might only be mildly funny, anyway.
posted
That isn't really where the story goes. It isn't a comedy. It's not a time-scale thing that's going on here, it's more of important milestones that are being mentioned.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
If you still need readers, I'd be glad to take a look at it (and I promise not to lose it in the wrong email box this time...and to answer speedily--I'll try to be more useful than the last crit, which is not going to be hard).
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I know, but the selection seems a bit...you know, something-centric. It's hard to take it seriously, because of where it naturally leads.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I don't know why, but this reminds me of Douglas Adams:
quote:"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
But seriously --
The only issue I might see with this is, "God" is first referred to in a proper sense, then later on as, "his God". Shouldn't it be, "Him", if this is an extended passage of some sort?
posted
I thought it was a bit cheasey. Does the God stuff really matter to the story? and the point in time at which man populated Earth and then started developing machines? If not, then all of this is redundant in my opinion.
I'm very picky though.
[This message has been edited by benskia (edited August 31, 2005).]
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