posted
Swimming Bird, this opening is too long to meet the 13 lines rule. Please shorten it accordingly. The 13 lines is in standard manuscript format: 12 pt. Courier New font, with 1" margins on all four sides.
posted
It really didn't work for me that you have Jake claiming he can't hear what Lawrence is saying, but then reproduce his dialogue in a way that comes across as verbatim. It's a flat contradiction.
If you are setting Jake up as an unreliable narrator, then I think you need to work harder at introducing that idea. At the moment, it's too unsubtle.
I think for me it's particularly problematic that Jake begins two consecutive sentences with "It sounds like". For me, it would work better if Jake commented along the lines of "Maybe he's saying..." followed by the dialogue you have. Then maybe an observation from Jake, something like "It's what they usually say." So you can keep the question in the reader's mind as to whether or not Jake can hear what Lawrence is saying.
Were Lawrence's lips moving defiantly? I like the idea, but I wonder what he's defying.
I'm not going to comment on the rest as there's way more than 13 lines here.
posted
I don't mind the present tense, but I have to agree about the lack of clarity as to what Jake is hearing. I liked the metaphor about the wildshield wipers, but it does make it seem like there's something wrong with Jake and that he's not simply zoning out. Is this what you were going for?
Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2005
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