I'm not hooked. (As you say!) What's the cool thing that's had you mulling this over for 3 years? Maybe you could start there? I'd say, fix this now -- there's no sense polishing this beginning to perfection if you aren't going to use it.

Also, I tentatively recommend putting this in past tense. It's not wrong to do present tense, but if it doesn't add anything, I'd use the default past tense.

Welcome to Hatrack!

Armand found himself fixated on the figure dominating the scene a few tables down from his. Only a woman with her radiance could attract such a crowd of voyeurs to one table in this smoke infested paradise. Truckers, construction workers and any man with a blue collar made up the usual crowd at the Billiard Blues, retiring to dim lighting, a few beers, cigarettes, games and old time jazz after a hard day of taking it from the man. It was a rare occasion to see a spectacle like her waltz in here so casually and challenge one of the guys to eight ball. Even the band had to pause a moment to take in the curious scene.

She had challenged Brice Wysong; a man considered by the regulars to be most familiar with the stick and table.

[This message has been edited by Skynyrd (edited September 17, 2005).]

The rule isn't a given number of sentences. It's no more than 13 lines in manuscript format (courier font, 12 point size).

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Of course Armand couldn’t see any of this with her back to him.

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Point of view is always required! You have a lot of options about which one to use, but you'll always have a point of view. If you do it "like a movie" that's omniscient POV, which is very hard to get right. For your first venture out, you'll probably have better luck with Armand's POV.

Author intrusion is one thing I hate. Calling it a POV violation is as good an explanation as any. I was quite happily reading along getting into the story and enjoying the descriptions, when WHAM! I was booted out by that line. If Armand can't see this stuff how can he be telling me about it? He's fixated on her. I'm seeing the scene through his eyes. Then suddenly...I'm not.

This write is finite. I still have keldon's advice to consider (regarding the opening paragraph being all over the place.)

She had challenged Brice Wysong; a man considered by the regulars to be most familiar with the cue and table. She rejected the offer to break. Instead she stood at the table’s corner and watched as her opponent performed his art. Her poise remained constant as Brice sank five stripped balls in three pushes of the stick. The watchers made the usual “oooo” commentary, but the woman stood calm with a smile of confidence through all of it. Brice politely requested that the woman move so he might take his shot from the space she occupied. She agreed and moved around the table so her back was facing Armand. Slowly the woman turned her head halfway until she saw him with a single brown eye. She granted Armand a coy smile before returning her attention to the game. Thus began the end of Armand Louise.

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I believe I read of a limit of 12-13 sentences.

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She rejected the offer to break.

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As soon as Armand saw the woman with the cue stick, he knew he would die.

Or whatever happens.

And get him involved in the action soonest.

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She had challenged Brice Wysong; a man considered by the regulars to be most familiar with the cue and table.

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You couldn't have read my mind better. I've spent at least fifteen hours thinking about this story over the weekend. Keldon's comments lead me to the following restructuring.

Paragraph 1 - Armand's internal conflict (essentially the plot of the story.)

Paragraph 2 - Description of the woman (through Armand's POV of course.)

Paragraph 3 - Description of the unusual scene (the woman challenging Brice.)

Paragraph 4 - Woman glances at Armand (thus begins the end of Armand Louise.)

Then one line of dialog to ease the tension from the description.

This I thought of last night instead of sleeping (seriously.) I know that the quality will ultimately depend on my prose and diction. Wish me luck. Hope to post a new version tonight. Have to get homework out of the way first.

Shucks had to edit. I always miss punctuation somewhere.

[This message has been edited by Skynyrd (edited September 18, 2005).]

Armand found himself fixated on the figure dominating the scene a few tables down. Suddenly all the ambitions he held up to five minutes ago were completely devoid of meaning. The goals remained clear in his mind, but they seemed to be traces of memory from another person. It was as if a piece of his subconscious had performed a coup for control of the body. In these first moments he could do nothing but stare as his mind engaged in civil war.

At the heart of this violence was a woman holding an upright cue with her extended left arm while a suspended light amplified the luster of her leather black pants and jacket. Her hue of blonde hair was so potent that it didn’t require a specific style or fashion to be in good taste.

First suggestion: show us what's causing Armand's reaction BEFORE the reaction. Then we can feel it with him!

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ARMAND SAW A woman holding an upright cue with her extended left arm while a suspended light amplified the luster of her leather black pants and jacket. Her hue of blonde hair was so potent that it didn’t require a specific style or fashion to be in good taste.

Armand found himself fixated on the figure dominating the scene a few tables down. Suddenly all the ambitions he held up to five minutes ago were completely devoid of meaning. The goals remained clear in his mind, but they seemed to be traces of memory from another person. It was as if a piece of his subconscious had performed a coup for control of the body. In these first moments he could do nothing but stare as his mind engaged in civil war.

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OK, next issue: is Armand's reaction reasonable? If so, show us how it is, because I don't get it. If not, still, let us know why he has it.

Main issue for me: man sees woman and is interested. Not hook-y to me. What's the hook? Give it to us up front.

First suggestion: show us what's causing Armand's reaction BEFORE the reaction. Then we can feel it with him!

quote:

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ARMAND SAW A woman holding an upright cue with her extended left arm while a suspended light amplified the luster of her leather black pants and jacket. Her hue of blonde hair was so potent that it didn’t require a specific style or fashion to be in good taste.

Armand found himself fixated on the figure dominating the scene a few tables down. Suddenly all the ambitions he held up to five minutes ago were completely devoid of meaning. The goals remained clear in his mind, but they seemed to be traces of memory from another person. It was as if a piece of his subconscious had performed a coup for control of the body. In these first moments he could do nothing but stare as his mind engaged in civil war.

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OK, next issue: is Armand's reaction reasonable? If so, show us how it is, because I don't get it. If not, still, let us know why he has it.

Main issue for me: man sees woman and is interested. Not hook-y to me. What's the hook? Give it to us up front.

Ok, I've typed out the plot of the story twice now. I erased it both times. Let me get your question straight. Are you telling me that this reaction is completely unreasonable without knowledge of the character? What if that knowledge were to come later?

Let me say this. Armand's mind just gave birth to a new personality that we see develop throughout the story. One of the many interrelated plots is the struggle between Armand and his new personality Leon. Each personality represents a different philosophy that is actually key to this entire meditation (the genre of my story.) God I'm giving too much information without enough background so a lot of it doesn't make sense. Tell me if its a little clearer.

Anyway, there is purpose behind Armand's transformation. I didn't just write it for kicks. Was that your worry?

Armand found himself fixated on this figure dominating the scene a few tables down. Suddenly all the ambitions he held for as long as he could remember up to five minutes ago were completely devoid of meaning. The goals remained clear in his mind, but they seemed to be traces of memory from another person. It was as if a piece of his subconscious had performed a coup for control of the body so that it might seek to fulfill its own desires. In these first moments he could do nothing but stare as his mind engaged in civil war.

If the major objective in this scene is to show that A. is having a major personality shift - that just doesn't mean a lot unless we have a firm grip on A.'s starting personality first. You know?

Leon waited patiently for the signal as the big hand on his watch slowly closed in on twelve. The bells of St. Paul’s Cathedral were never late.

There were children waiting for a school bus a few houses down. Leon watched them from his side mirror. Among the children a boy and girl were holding hands like first time lovers. Innocence is the ultimate illusion, thought Leon. If only those two knew what they’re capable of.

Upon this thought came the bells. Leon and his crew left the car and advanced on the home of William Burmming.

Of course I forgot to put the spaces in the paragraphs (I was using MLA when I typed this.) I wish that edit thing didn't show up.

These surroundings made Leon nauseous. He asked himself in his thoughts if this illusion could really be so strong to subdue so many people.

In the side mirror he noticed a group of children waiting for a school bus a few houses down. Two of them, a boy and girl, were holding hands like innocent first time lovers.

My advice now would be to just write the darn thing in total and quit stopchecking to make sure every little sample is okay.

A couple of thoughts about the first paragraph. I wouldn’t refer to the “big hand” on his watch. I know it’s the name of that hand, but it still sounds a little childish to me. I’d just refer to the hands on his watch closing slowly on 12.

The line “Innocence is the ultimate illusion, thought Leon” feels a little heavy-handed to me. I think the thought is right for the scene, it just needs slightly softer phrasing. Hope that isn’t too abstruse a piece of advice.

The only other comment I have is on the name. When I hear the name ‘Leon’ I automatically think of the Luc Besson film (called ‘The Professional’) in the US. Also both characters seem to be linked by underworld activities. Unless you’re desperately attached it I’d consider changing it.