posted
I love alchemy! Nothing is better than the fusion of science and magic because you can create a realistic world, while still maintaining a fantastic set rules in the world. I am looking for readers because this is going to be in a town contest. It is a short story...kind of...it has 4200 words, so if anyone wants to help me out, I'd appreciate it.
Without further ado... -------------------------------------------- The sun beat down on X as he paced on the soft desert ground, occasionally getting stuck in a small sinkhole. He breathed slowly and through his nose, since his mouth had long since been devoid of saliva. He occasionally glanced out toward the endless horizon in hopes of his team coming to pick him up until the sun blinded him
X began to fear that the mission had been scrubbed and everybody had decided to just let the rookie go to the rendezvous point in the desert and not tell him. He looked over to the ATV he had driven out and considered leaving, when the sound of an engine filled the air.
He frantically searched the sky and spotted a black helicopter in the distance.
[This message has been edited by Mystic (edited August 12, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Mystic (edited August 12, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Mystic (edited August 12, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Mystic (edited August 12, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 17, 2005).]
posted
You have the setting, but it needs more feeling....what does his tongue feel like in that dry mouth? What does the desert feel like? Look like? Why didn't he think of making a glass before?
Posts: 23 | Registered: Aug 2005
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The sun beat down on X as he paced on the soft desert ground ((I'd just put "desert sand" to rid myself of bulk.)) , occasionally getting stuck in a small sinkhole. He breathed slowly and through his nose, since his mouth had long since been devoid of saliva ((Most people breathe through their nose anyway so I think you could just say he breathed slowly, maybe to try and calm himself. Also the mouth thing would be best surved with showing, I think, instead of telling.)). He occasionally glanced out toward the endless horizon in hopes of his team coming to pick him up until the sun blinded him. ((This last part of the sentence makes it sound like he's waiting for the sun to blind him, then his team will come back. I'd just leave it at; "He glanced toward the horizon, hoping his team would come back soon."))
These are a few examples. There are a few more things in the next bit too but you'll get the idea from the above, I think. Just try and simplify as much as possible.
I'd say I'm not hooked only because I'm not really caring about the character yet. He's in the desert and his mouth is dry but beyond that I really have no clue why he's there or how he got stuck so I'm kind of unaffected. I'm also wondering about the glass thing. Is it the reflection he's going for? Maybe just get us more into his head and that will clear things up.
posted
Thanks for the advice and I think I'll make some changes before handing out the story. I forgot some glaring errors in this version and pixydust just reminded of them. I lost my good version of the story to a computer virus (don't ask), so I kinda forgot about that. I'll try to repost a better version by the end of the day. Danke schon(where's an umloot on this keyboard) for the help.
Posts: 162 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Grrrrrr... Full Metal Alchemist fans are rabid, defensive beasts, Swimming Bird: tread carefully.... lol
Yes, this is completely derivative of FMA, but that's fine with me because I love the series. I therefore enjoyed what I read here, but almost every line of these 13 has at least a small structural error, though.
Example:
quote: The sun beat down on X as he paced on the soft desert ground, occasionally getting stuck in a small sinkhole.
The subject of this sentence is "The sun." I know you actually meant that X is "ocassionally getting stuck," but the way this sentence is structured you are actually saying that "The sun" is. Also, since most people usually think of the desert as a sunny environment anyway, it isn't necessary to use the cliche, "The sun beat down [...]" Also, starting with X both eliminates the cliche and automatically restructures the sentence to put the character in charge.
Another:
quote: He breathed slowly and through his nose, since his mouth had long since been devoid of saliva.
Pixydudst has already pointed out the unnecessary nature of saying that he breathed through his nose, but more important is the fact that you've created a clause which is dependent on an adverb, "slowly," (oh how we hate adverbs, we of the body), and that you use the word "devoid," which is heavy enough to be awkward -- because the sentence is not written to support it. Maybe "devoid" was the first word that came to your mind, and maybe it wasn't... but it's a "twenty dollar word where a ten-center will do," as Strunk put it. Please don't think I'm saying you must always write in Anglo-Saxon monosyllables, but if you are going to lay down a beautiful, heavy word... make sure the sentence (and the surrounding paragraph) is strong enough to support it. Otherwise it'll lay in the reader's mind like a brick.
There are other things to remark on, such as the split infinitive opening up paragraph 3, but I don't want you to feel like I'm attacking you. I liked it. There isn't anywhere near enough Alchemy-style fiction that isn't fan fiction. And I agree about mixing technology and magic. Slipstream is a rough market, though.
This story sounds intriguing, but it lacks a bit of the fundamentals.
I'd love to read it. I can't promise I"ll reply quickly... I have a lot on my plate right now, and a few people ahead of you... but at the very least I'd probably enjoy it, and that's the point, right?
posted
I do agree with the lack of characterization and the small details you guys mentioned. I occasionionally lapse in judgement and add more exposition than necessary to fill up space. I do agree that FMA rocks and that it did inspire it, but I prefer stories full of action versus a story where two alchemist are facing a moral issue or battling by chanting for two hours and whoever finishes first wins. Therefore, the only way to do this would be to eliminate the use of alchemy or use the rules set by FMA.
Actually, I am being somewhat hypocritical in that I hate unoriginality, but I think rules set by other stories, like space travel, is fine, but using the same characters, like aliens that look like bugs, is wrong.
I will send, whoever asked, the short story unrevised because I would rather make all the corrections at once. Thanks in advance for the help.
posted
Just to be contrary (not really) I'm going to disagree with the comments about breathing thru his nose. If this guy spends any time in the desert he knows to breathe through his nose to help humidify the air and capture moisture on the exhale. I also don't believe most people breathe thru their nose regularly - except when sleeping. People engaged in talking and physical activity open their mouths to suck in air (thus the polite explanation for why the mouth is called your 'suck' in the military).
Posts: 87 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
It's called your "hole", frequently with a colorful adjective added. Because the particular adjective would, if taken literally, be transposible with "suck", sometimes that's used in place of "#*&^ing hole". The alliterative quality of phrases such as "shut your suck" doesn't hurt either.
I think that it's a little...French, for any English speaking military. But, as has often been pointed out, non-coms are all such ignorant phillistines that none of them could possibly appreciate the irony.
Of course, perhaps I'm only disagreeing because I'm breathing through my nose even as I type this. I also know how to wear a filter mask, though
posted
I was interested in the story Mystic, but there was one thing that bothered me. Its not much, but here goes. I never saw xXx but I know it was titled that way because a name around the letter "X" suggests the character is a bad @$$. I'm not sure if its cliche to give your characters name an edge, so I don't know if this is a valid point. Anyway I tell you this because I myself am guilty of harboring cliches in almost everything I write. "Hasta la viste Baby."
[This message has been edited by Skynyrd (edited September 17, 2005).]
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I'd just leave it at; "He glanced toward the horizon, hoping his team would come back soon."))
