posted
Just need some feedback on these first thirteen lines. Genre is SF. Target length is within short story range, though it'll probably near the limit. Any and all questions/comments are more than welcome.
“I cannot believe this!” Mandar’s shrill voice rang in the tight confines of the communications booth. Rell winced as he imagined being trapped inside one of those curious human devices--he believed they were called ‘bells’--while his colleague hammered on the exterior with heavy claws. Mandar’s voice had always been a painful assault on his acute Sarkan hearing, though the other scientist had yet to notice it. Rell didn’t expect that he ever would.
Mandar was of a different species, a loudly different species, whose high-pitched vocal signatures were designed to pierce a thick atmosphere. Rell’s people, on the other hand, were much more at home on a planet with relatively 'thin' atmospheric conditions. --------------------------------------------
Inkwell ----------------- "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
[This message has been edited by Inkwell (edited September 26, 2005).]
posted
Too much of this is exposition. You're telling us about the differences between Mandar and Rell, but that doesn't feel like the story. I want to know what it is that Mandar can't believe, what these two alien scientists of different species are up to.
The explanations can be interpolated once there's a story. Right now, I just need a little more of a hook to want to read on.
posted
Yes, and some of it is fairly obscure at that. "Rell winced as he imagined being trapped inside one of those curious human devices" led me to believe that the communication booth was of human design, the reference to it being called a bell made me think that the booth was shaped like a large bell suspended from the ceiling, and "while his colleague hammered on the exterior with heavy claws" made me think that his colleague was actually doing that while Rell was imagining what it would be like to be trapped in this bell shaped communications booth. It took a while for me to figure out that you didn't mean to say that.
And the whole setup seems hokey anyway. If these two are from planets with markedly different atmospheres, why not just have one or both of them wear a simple form of encounter gear when working together? If the atmosphere is much heavier than Rell's native environment, all sounds would be louder than what he's used to hearing. If it's lighter than what Mandar requires, he should be wearing a breathing mask or something.
Unless the story is about one of them inventing encounter gear or perhaps Rell cutting out Mandar's vocal organs in a fit of rage, you've started in the wrong place, or at least you're concentrating on the wrong things here.
posted
I think what the others have said is on the right track: if you want to hook your reader by using action, forget about the details of different alien species. However, if you were going for a more reflective, slower introduction, you might have room for a more introspective paragraph about the differences between the two species.
I would also reccommend an upgrade to your terminology for the different alien worlds. There are a lot of interesting ways to talk about planets. A 'thick atmosphere' seems to indicate something like a gas giant. A 'thin atmosphere' suggests a planet with low mass, high spin or some other attribute to cause it's inability to trap more gases. This is the case with the earth's moon: it does not have an atmosphere because it spins too fast, has a low mass, etcetera.
This could be a good place to begin revamping the story and fleshing out your ideas with a new round of thought.
posted
Two characters who are aliens, but also alien to each other, and who have to work out their differences sounds like a solid basis for a story.
Unfortunately, that first line makes Mandar sound to me like a cross between John McEnroe and Victor Meldrew. Obscure cultural references aside, it's more funny than dramatic.
The reference to bells doesn't work for me at all, I'm afraid. It's too contrived. When the narrative has to stretch so far for an idea that more time is spent on justifying it than on giving it impact, it's time to rethink. When writing from an alien's POV, it's usually more effective to put yourself in their head (if they have one) and derive images from their cultural background and/or experiences.
All aliens are of course humans in disguise, but the disguise should be as good as possible .
Although having Rell sulkily waiting for Mandar to notice his difficulties is a good piece of characterisation, it doesn't make him likeable. Make sure your characters have endearing traits as well as distancing ones (this doesn't necessarily mean making them nice).
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