posted
I'm wanting to write a story about someone who needs to take control of their life by excepting reponsbility. at the start of the story he can only see how people do him in. He can't see his own self destructive behavior. As the story progresses he makes a shift in how he sees his personal life.
***** Decisions makes us who we are. Dan’s life was not uncommon when it came to decisions. He, like most teenagers, rarely thought about decisions. Standing on the 50 yard line dressed in the uniform of his high school football team, he didn’t think the next couple of minutes were going to have any significant affect on long term events. A middle linebacker Dan hunched over staring in to the eyes of his prey. He loved this particular part of every play of the game, the anticipation of the ball being snapped then running full out and driving the puny quarter-back on to his back.
Dan stalked the quarter back from across scrimmage line, pacing back and forth behind the center and two tackles. He was trying to catch the QB’s eyes to strike fear in his heart from 10 feet away. ****
Let me know what you think.
thanks
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 25, 2005).]
posted
I would agree, in principle. Actually, you'd lose me on paragraph 2 anyway, because I hate football -- but someone who likes football would stay, I think.
The reaction of horror on #7's face seems over the top. I might be afraid I'm going to be tackled, but surely not horrified, unless the tackler is then going to eat my brain or something!
posted
I agree with losing the first paragraph. It seems like a lot of wasted time. Get right to the action of the game, and bring in the character stuff later as needed.
posted
I always feel like I need to establish who we are talking about. Ok here's the paragraph with who we are talking about.
*** Dan stalked the quarter back from across scrimmage line, pacing back and forth behind the center and two tackles. He was trying to catch the QB’s eyes to strike fear in his heart from 10 feet away. The QB, who wore a big 7 on his chest, was sensing Dan’s piercing gaze and kept his eyes away from him. #7 Looked only at his teammates as if looking for some support against his fatigue and frustration. #7 was not someone to be frightened easily, but Dan had spent all afternoon showing him how high and hard he could be slammed into the ground. In the third quarter of the one of the first games of the year, Dan was working on establishing himself. Dan knew that when people where scared of him, they became jumpy, they made mistakes. ****
T2
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 29, 2005).]
posted
Usually, no. They were just "the winger" or "the defenceman." Their jerseys had names on the back, but since we only played them once or twice in a season, they didn't matter that much .
posted
Unless your going to have this charter mean something later on then I'd add the name. But since thats not the case he's just another player. He's in a couple of paragrahs then we move into a diffrent scene. Your never going to hear or see from number 7 again.
Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
The problem is that Dan is trying to play some kind of mind game on the guy in this scene. It seems weird that he wouldn't know the guy's name by now, or even have bothered to find out more about the other team's QB before the game if it was going to be this big a deal to him.
But then, maybe that's something that only girls do. My kind doesn't naturally play mind games at all, so it's not like I have any insight into how a human male would do things.
posted
There are a couple of things here that I think are off. First, the idea of Dan stalking and pacing seem wrong. In any football game I have ever seen, all the players are concentrated on being ready for the moment the ball is snapped. When I think of Dan pacing back and forth, I don’t see him as ready to move as quickly as possible when the ball is snapped. I see him having to turn his body and start running, instead of launching off the line. Also, I’m no expert, but I don’t think the center guy on defense is called a center.
These things may seem nitpicky, but I think the only person this opening is really going to interest is someone who is interested in football, and that is the kind of person that these details will mean something to.
posted
That may be true in some ways, certainly the defensive line wants to be solid, and you usually don't seem them running around behind the line before the snap the way the offensive recievers do. But I didn't get the impression that this was right before the snap, I thought is was more while both teams were getting into position.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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