posted
This is the opening to a short story. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure yet where it is going, but I do have some idea. ----------------------------------------------------------- Dying really dulls your perspective on the world. It’s like looking at everything through a pane of glass that’s been blasted by a sand storm. Harvey died 3 days ago and no, he didn’t see a tunnel of light or any angels with golden locks and gratuitous cleavage. All he saw was an old man sitting in a chair in an empty room. The old man looked up, smirked, and shot him the finger.
Then POW, bright light, lots of noise. His body tingled like mad and his head was throbbing. Later he found out that the tingling was an after effect of having a shit load of voltage ran through his body by a set of cardiac paddles. That went away after a few hours. The headache was still there, but that was from the head injury. -----------------------------------------------------------
Comments appreciated, Chuck
[This message has been edited by chuck7 (edited September 30, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by chuck7 (edited October 02, 2005).]
posted
The POV confuses me here: first you mention some guy called Harley being dead three days ago... then in the next paragraph you're talking about the sensations passing through his body. Whose, the dead guy's?! If this is the same person then the way in which you've structured this completely throws the reader all over the place. Plus, some of the phrasing/sentences jar: >POW< >gratuitous cleavage< >smirked, and shot him the finger<
If this is meant to be black humor then, at this current stage, it falls flat. I can see the potential of your story trying to break out, but first off you have to get the 'voice' right. As it stands it's uneven.
[This message has been edited by Paul-girtbooks (edited September 30, 2005).]
posted
Yeah, describing something that you're already telling the reader happened three days in the past is a bit of a handicap. You lost all the immediacy of the event before you even started.
So...what if you just rework the first three sentances a little. Like, put the first two somewhere else along with the first bit of the third.
quote:When Harley died he didn’t see a tunnel of light or any angels with golden locks and gratuitous cleavage. All he saw was an old man sitting in a chair in an empty room. The old man looked up, smirked, and shot him the finger.
Then POW, bright light, lots of noise. His body was tingling like mad, and his head was throbbing. Later he found out the tingling was an after effect of having a shit load of voltage ran through your body by a set of cardiac paddles, that went away after a few hours. The headache was still there, but that was from the head injury.
Now, three days later, he sat looking out the window of his hospital room. He was going to be released soon, etc.... Dying really dulls your perspective on the world. It's like looking at everything through a pane of glass that's been blasted by a sand storm.
Italics are my interpolations
Okay, I'd suggest more reworking than just that. There are some grammer issues and imagery that may or may not need work. My point is that I think that this has more potential if you rearrange things a bit. I think that the character is interesting. For understandable reasons, NDE's about seeing hell are less common than those about seeing heaven, and NDE's about old men that flip you the finger and send you back to life are nearly nonexistant. Along with the rather irreverent attitude that the character expresses towards the whole notion of traditional NDE's and the fact that this NDE did profoundly affect him anyway, it makes me want to know more about the character and what happens to him.
In other words, the character tries to look on this with black humor, but he doesn't really find the experience at all funny. You need to capitalize on that rather than letting it seem like a failure.
posted
Just thought I'd mention that by NDE I mean reported experiences. Most dying humans act like they see hell gaping for them, so perhaps most of them do.
Anyway, Dostoyevski went through something pretty traumatic along the NDE thing. He was in prison and they were going to shoot him, and then they marched him (and some other guys) out to the execution place, formed up the squad, and let them know they'd all had their sentances commuted. That kinda sucked all the joy out of life for him. Just thought that might interest you as something to look into both for this story and for general interest.
Though I agree with some who've said that this needs some work, I really like the potential feel of it--it has me interested in just what's going on, who the old man is, etc. I think you need to be careful with the amount of dark humor you throw into this thing however. If you continued on in this same voice, to me it would get tedious.
posted
Smaug, For an example of the general language and tone I am going for, read Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson. Actually read it no matter what because it is a great book. Who the old man is, is one of the main points of the story, and the “dark humor” does lighten up a bit as the story progresses, though the story will remain fairly dark through out.
Silver3, I don’t know if “This is just so sadistic” was meant as a complement or a critique, but I cant help but take it as a complement
Survivor, If the order the story is presented removes the immediacy of Harvey’s death and revival, then that is ok. The death itself is not key to the story or what happens after. Seeing the old man shooting the bird is the important part of it. The rest of it is simply to give a glimpse of Harvey’s personality and how he views what happened to him. Harvey likes to view him self as a cynical observer of life rather than a participant.
Paul-girtbooks, If the language is jarring, then it is doing its job. I can understand that this may not be everyone’s forte, but it’s the truth of what the story is. I recently re-read Steven King’s On Writing, and in that he stresses over and over again that telling the truth in the story is more important than trying to please any of its potential readers. Of course I can see that this may lead to a situation where no one likes what I write but myself, and if that’s the case, then so be it. I hope to have a story that others will read and like, and that perhaps will even get published, but I know the only way I will ever be happy with it is if I am honest in writing it.
Thank you all for your comments.
[This message has been edited by chuck7 (edited October 03, 2005).]
about dying dulling your perceptions, I didn't get quite as close as the POV character when I had cancer but the feeling was an adrenaline rush that didn't stop for several weeks then burnout for a couple of years. I can see the commonality of the experiance. Not so much the gates of hell, but a lot of grief a person has to work through.
[This message has been edited by keldon02 (edited October 03, 2005).]
posted
Well, if you aren't going for any immediacy in the way that Harvey's NDE is presented, then you need to completely alter the voice and context of that scene. If you do go with that voice, then the immediacy is important.
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posted
humm... I don't see the problem you are refering to. It could be that we just have different tastes, or maybe im not fallowing you.
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posted
It could be we have different tastes. I'm just saying, most readers will expect a good deal of immediacy, given certain elements of the style you're using. If this style doesn't succeed in conveying that immediacy, certain readers will find it distracting and stop reading.
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