They thought of him as The Atticant, the bastard, the trickster-God with coyote eyes. He thought of himself as Canton, just Canton, and he paced back and forth beneath the cherry tree. They observed his gait, his posture, the tilt of his back, the width of his shoulders, the swing of his arms. In some deep-down place they processed him, and they knew (every one of them) that he was something other than human. Knew it. And they felt a kind of shuddering horror, a sickness, a revulsion. This trickster was wrong. He didn’t belong in their world. This could not be.
Canton couldn’t decide which one he wanted.
He considered their various qualities. The fear on their faces, the shapes of their bodies, eye-color, hair-color, clothes.
[This message has been edited by TL 601 (edited October 10, 2005).]
I'm intrigued. Although Canton is describing himself in terms of how these people see him this isn't 100 percent clear and others may feel you are muddling up your POV here.
My biggest nit-pick is the commas. There's too many of them! It's cluttering up your style. I know you may feel this is unavoidable as you are, after all, giving a descriptive list of the character's traits. Perhaps, though, it would be best to break this up into punchy, short sentences.
[This message has been edited by Paul-girtbooks (edited October 10, 2005).]
posted
The comma use is annoying, like Paul said. Intriguing nonetheless. I wouldn't mind reading more of this to find out about this Canton.
Posts: 384 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
I agree that it's intriguing. I have these suggestions for clarity:
It seems blurred between what's happening generally (what "they" think) and the pacing. I had a picture that they were watching him pace, and maybe he was tied there (why else would he be just pacing, with people watching?), but I'm not sure. Ground us in time and place. Or (maybe?) take us completely out of it, till you're ready -- but I'm betting the grounding will work better.
Ordinarily I'd say "nothing's happening," but the hints are dark enough I don't care.
When I thought he was pacing and they were watching, I began to wonder if he was an animal. later on we got that he was not-quite-human.
"Canton couldn’t decide which one he wanted": my thought was, which one of what? Then I got that it was a person. Then I wondered what he might want them for. He knows, so tell us! As in, "He was hungry. So hungry. He looked back at the onlookers, and tried to decide which one he'd take first." Then, for concrete detail: "The little girl? Not enough. The beefy man with the tattoos?"
But you already know what I think about your work.
I don't have a POV problem, because your writing works the switches and the multiple references (is it him thinking about what they think about what he's thinking... and so on). Nor do I have a problem with not knowing (yet) what Canton wants "one" for. I'm guessing I'll find out soon enough.
I don't even know what an Atticant is. But I don't care. Things that become clear later, by context, are fine by me.
posted
I was bothered by the POV but not by the commas.
I did think this sentence was too repetitive: And they felt a kind of shuddering horror, a sickness, a revulsion. Unlike the other comma lists, each element here is conveying essentially the same thing, IMO.
Like the others I'd read on despite my concerns. Huge conflict right up front, and I want to know what Canton is. And I've read enough of your stuff to trust that the POV will either work itself out, or be worth the effort of reading it.
posted
Yes, the POV was a bit unclear, but other than that, I thought this opening was interesting. I don't know if you fixed aforementioned comma problems before I got here, but they did not bother me as I read.
Posts: 202 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Saying the same thing in three different ways is okay, as long as you don't take it to the point of comedy (if you're an anime character that's fine). You might be using it to show that three people are thinking basically the same things, but it doesn't seem to work for that purpose.
You're POV is muddled, because you chose to start with "They" rather than Canton. Introduce Canton pacing back and forth under the cherry tree as he considers his prey, and only then speak of what "they" are thinking. One line is enough to do, if you like the effect of switching back and forth.
posted
Of course no one wants to hear this, but I'm doing stuff with the POV on purpose. It's supposed to be going back and forth between Canton and "them" in like a point, counter-point format.
If that wasn't clear, then I guess the writing *is* muddled, and I've got some work to do.
posted
I didn't have a problem with it, but I often am pretty forgiving. I'd want you to settle on a POV soon, though.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
You can switch back and forth, but you need to start on the right one. The "they" viewpoint exists to tell us about Canton. The Canton viewpoint also exists to tell us about Canton. Therefore you should start with the Canton viewpoint. Then you can signal a switch by saying "He examined the fear in their eyes" or something like that.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I like it quite a bit. There are a few things you could tweak, mostly mentioned above, but I think it comes down to style.
Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2005
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