posted
It intrigues me. It's probably jumping straight into the issue of the story, or at least setting the life of your main character.. if it's the latter, just remember not to take too long to get into the dilemma.
Can't really think of anything else to add. The descriptions and feel of the scene are good, to me. Though I would like to see something that indicates what time of day this is to fulfill the scene in my head. Is this hooker coming up in broad daylight? Is that normal in this city, for them to be on the job in daytime? Or is it at evening/night and not too unusual of an event, besides her being persistent?
posted
There's nothing really wrong with paragraph, it just doesn't feel like an opener. It's really nicely written, and the first line is exceptionally elegant, but I'm not feeling the hook.
Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I don't really like openings where the character starts off by being weak and indecisive or doing something that is immediately revealed to be stupid. Why roll the window down if it was a "protective barrier"? Why try and impress a whore by saying "****"? Why not just roll the window back up when she doesn't take the hint?
posted
Why roll the window down if it was a "protective barrier"?
"I see her puckering up and getting ready for another kiss so I press a button on the dash to make the window retract, cutting her off"
Why try and impress a whore by saying "****"?
I didn't realize saying that was impressive to you or anyone else.
Why not just roll the window back up when she doesn't take the hint?
"The whore leans in through the open window, her bruised forearms reclining against the frame."
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I had more lines here, I'm not sure why Kat deleted the rest of it since to me this is only about 6 lines and not 13. But within the span of those next 7 lines it is revealed that it's night, what the whore looks like, that she is really a he, and that the protagonist does let her into his car.
Thanks for all the crits.
[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited September 28, 2005).]
I want to know what MC is feeling. He says "get the **** out of here," but he says it calmly. I don't get any other sense of what he feels. Delighted? Bored? Scared? Repulsed? Tell us.
You may have a good reason for 1st person present tense, but if not, I suggest past tense.
posted
You have a very good ear for language, and a real sense of place, something I've noticed when reading your other fragments. For instance, I already knew it was night before you clarified that in your last post. Some folks might nit-pick about the character not being 'sympathetic' but ignore that, because I for one like that (bad guys, or flawed characters, are always more interesting). Besides, none of us - I hope! - are aspiring to write politically correct 'cosy' stories for some woman's journal, or some Sunday family newspaper supplement.
I also wish you had an email address, because I would be interested in reading more of your stuff, rather than just snippets.
IMORTANT NOTE ON THE 13 LINE RULE: everyone seems to get this wrong. 13 lines does not mean domain lines. It refers to manuscript lines - Courier, 12pt, about ten words per line - which works out at roughly 8 lines as they appear on this forum page. If you scroll back up you will, indeed, see that your fragment is exactly 8 lines.
[This message has been edited by Paul-girtbooks (edited September 28, 2005).]
posted
Okay, I'm probably being ignored here, but I'll clarify.
I did read the text. I know the guy's nominal reason for rolling the window down in the first place. But that reason doesn't counter the fact that what he's lowering is something he regards as a "protective barrier".
I'm not impressed by "****", nobody is. The thing is, using an explicative for emphasis when talking to someone that you think is a whore is simply stupid. There are times when using an explicative can demonstrate that you feel strongly about something, and there are times when it only indicates that you wish (rather pathetically) to fit in. This is the latter case, and the character doesn't seem to realize it.
If someone leans into my car's open window without my permission, I don't see any reason I shouldn't roll the window back up. Particularly if words have already failed to correct the situation. Maybe I'm a bad person, but it isn't as though you're painting the narrator as a paragon of virtue and compassion here.
The point is probably that I shouldn't have bothered to comment at all on this opening. I particularly shouldn't have assumed that my comments would be as clear as I thought they were. But it isn't like I was deliberately being obscure...this time.
posted
I could be wrong here, but I don’t really see anything wrong with the character.
Rolling down the window could have been a laps in judgment. If his main concern is that he does NOT want this woman to put another lipstick smear on his window, then maybe for that moment that need out weighed his need for the protective barrier.
Cursing calmly seems to make perfect sense here to me. Using a vulgar expletive in a calm voice could be very unsettling. I don’t think we can assume by this amount of the story that the guy is trying to “fit in”. Even if he is, it could be to ensure that this whore does not see him as weak or overly polite. This may not work, I personally have never been accosted by a hooker, but then again, maybe neither has he.
I will say that there seems to be a conflict in tone between the “Please, get the **** out of here” and “No, Really … I’m not interested”.
posted
I've found that people saying swear words calmly is strangely more compelling than it being shouted. Just because they're forceful words, doesn't mean they have to be shouted or be involved with someone's lost temper. Swear words were originally just expressing meaning, like any other word.
Besides, it also says a lot about a character in what language they use. Just like showing an illiterate character struggling to write and deliberately putting in the mispelled words, swearing shows a facet of personality, or simply what the character lives with and grew up with. That's all. While I personally believe that things get highly boring if it's used excessively--2 or 3 times per sentence--it can be a good character facet, and can sometimes lend that gritty feeling to a story.
On the matter of the protective barrier.. I like it all, I'd simply add something like he regrets lowering the window after doing so.. get across, perhaps, that he thought in that moment only of his window getting dirtied and didn't think of the consequences of lowering his 'protective barrier' until too late.
Otherwise, I'd probably be interested in reading this, if you're looking for readers.
posted
The narrator's self-deception is portrayed effectively, even though it's obvious from the start that he's going to let the whore into the car--why else did he roll the window down? But this doesn't engage me, I'm afraid. The narrator is too wishy-washy to be interesting and the storyline appears to be heading in a familiar and predictable direction. I'm thinking, "cut to the chase already".
The idea that he's cutting her off by rolling down the window didn't work for me. Perhaps that could be rephrased? Rolling the window UP would cut her off. Rolling it down, no.
posted
I think you failed to read that at first he was cutting her off from leaving makeup smears on his window, not from talking... Posts: 65 | Registered: Sep 2005
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