posted
I haven't posted anything in months, so I thought I would throw this out there and let the bashing begin. I had this particular chapter finished, but didn't like where the characters were taking me, so I started it over. I'm looking for crits, but won't have it ready for a couple days yet. Let me know if you're interested. This chapter introduces new characters, so no previous reading is necessary.
Nicodemus pushed hard on the rails of his wheelchair, propelling him toward the head of his dining room table. Peitro had finished setting their places with the first course; a side salad and a cup of seafood chowder. The rails hissed against his calloused palms as he slowed down and came to a stop in front of his food.
Peitro sat at his left. The young man had decided to take up the challenge of learning to operate his left hand with the same deftness as his right. As a result he had taken to sitting on Nicodemus’ left side during meals to keep from bumping elbows. Nicodemus found his understudy’s latest physical challenge admirable.
“Why you don’t get suspensors instead of traipsing about in
[This message has been edited by thedeathkillersareback (edited October 07, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by thedeathkillersareback (edited October 07, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 07, 2005).]
posted
Why do you say "bashing"? If you believe you or your work will be attacked, perhaps you should not post it. I've found the comments here to be almost invariably helpful, rather than attacks.
posted
Beth, I used the word "bashing" simply for the fun of the word and because I honestly look forward to people taking every single piece of what I post apart. I meant it as an invitation for critics to not pull any punches.
I've gotten back one hundred fold my investment everytime I post on Hatrack.
All apologies if I offended you or anyone else, I'll choose my words more carefully next time.
Best Regards,
Ryan
[This message has been edited by thedeathkillersareback (edited October 07, 2005).]
posted
The first paragraph is good. I think the second one could go further down into the story.
That's what writers on this site suggested to me on one of my postings. Too much exposition in the first 13 lines, and now, I agree with them. If that's all the editors will look at, and that determines whether they'd read more on not, then we must strive to hook them.
posted
This isn't a first thirteen, though. But since he's introducing new characters and setting a new scene, the same basic principles do apply.
Some of your pronouns need a little work. There is an element of contrivance about the information reveal too. But I wouldn't say that there are major problems.
The hardest thing is that it takes a while for me to figure out the POV, but I think it I were used to your prose it would have been clear enough from the first line, even though that's external action. It might be related to whatever's making it hard to sort out the pronouns. I had to read that line of dialogue a couple of times to figure out who was speaking, so the confusion might not be the pronouns themselves.
posted
Deleted some of the exposition, shifted some pronouns and I like the results. How does the piece read now?
Nicodemus pushed hard on the rails of his wheelchair, propelling him toward the head of his dining room table. Peitro had finished setting the table with their first course, a side salad and a cup of seafood chowder. The rails hissed against his calloused palms as he slowed down and came to a stop at his place. “Why you don’t get suspensors instead of traipsing about in that archaic contraption is beyond me,” Pietro took a seat to the left of the Director as he spoke. “Beyond you? Yes, yes, quite right. You still have strong limbs supporting you. When you start to break down a little here, a little there, you will find an urge to strengthen what parts of you still work.” Nicodemus left his meal untouched as he watched Peitro pick up his silverware to stab and cut at his salad.
[This message has been edited by thedeathkillersareback (edited October 10, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 10, 2005).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
