posted
I'm terrible at titles..that's just tentative. It's space fantasy...I call it that because I don't go in-depth on the sci-fi elements. It's a character drama more than anything else, I just like the freedom of a scifi/fantasy setting. I have about 165 pages written at this point...I plan on finishing by Christmas. Reviews on the 13 lines would be appreciated, but if anyone would like to read more email me and I'll be happy to share...enjoy (if possible)...
It was twelve days to the hour since the man who called himself the Wanderer kidnapped the Princess Ammi of the Kingdom of the Sun and took her off-world. When he took her, it was early in the morning, but in the space between the stars there is no morning, or evening, or anything else to tell the passing of time. There was only dark, and cold, and the fragile hull of an ancient starship separating a little girl and her kidnapper from the endless void.
It was cold, so very cold in the starship. The Wanderer had told Ammi before the last time she went to sleep that the thing in the ship that provided heat for the cabins was broken, and there would be very little heat until he could fix it. They had to save it, he said, so they wouldn’t run out
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 04, 2005).]
posted
Couple of things right off the top of my head:
"Was" - try to get rid of this word, structuring your sentences so it's unnecessary. "Were" is a good one to get rid of, too. Both words create emotional distance.
"Very" - I rarely use this word, except in dialog, perhaps, as an affectation of character. If it's cold, it's cold; adding "very" doesn't really add anything to it.
When I use the word 'very' in the second paragraph its sort of a summary of Ammi's thoughts...so the language in that paragraph is slightly different than my typical dialogue would be.
posted
When Survivor posts "POV" and nothing more, it's a huge red flag that means you have to fix your POV on a single character and stay there. He's been right on this every single time I've seen this, and he's right here, too.
Your first paragraph seems to be Omni-ish to me, and it escaped me until the third read that the second paragraph was intended to be Ammi's POV.
Give us one character's eyes and senses at a time to work with and describe nothing that the character cannot know, see, hear, etc., or that the character would not think extraordinary or uncommon enough (from that character's experience) to waste a thought on.
From there, I've got a problem with the first paragraph reading like a flashback, mini-info dump (mini, mind you) that seems to be trying to set the stage and a tone, but it's information that could be delayed and the space occupied by introducing us to Ammi instead.
I'd start with the second paragraph, because it's Ammi who seems to be the more important character and for whom an interesting change in her life has taken place, a change that you are probably going to explore further as your story progresses.
Apart from that, the story might have what it takes to grow legs and move well, if you're willing to unencumber it enough to give it the chance.
As with all opinions, mine could be wrong. Just what I'm gathering from the evidence presented.
posted
Fixing on a particular character doesn't work well for this story (IMHO) because there are many different characters and it jumps between scenes every few pages.
Not having a consistent POV is part of my style...it would be very difficult to change...if that's a bad thing then I don't know...
posted
I think not having a solid grasp on POV mechanics is going to be a big problem for your writing. Seriously - I don't think saying it's part of your style is going to get you very far. That's sort of like saying that having a gazillion grammatical errors is part of my style, or having incomprehensible dialog is part of my style. It might be, but that doesn't make it an effective technique.
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posted
I understand your point... however I'm not saying I don't understand POV or know how to use it...its that my POV is omniscient and part of the way that is reflected is in adjusting the narrative voice at different points so that it contains portions of characters' thinking styles. If you know what I mean.
That said...the first few pages of the book need serious work...the POV and style becomes more consistent as the book goes on. I think.
posted
If it's omniscient, then start by establishing the omniscience of the POV. There are various ways to do this. Most of them are pretty boring, which is one reason Full Omniscient is such a difficult POV to use.
POV doesn't mean grammatical person, even though that's one aspect of it. It is an acronym for point of view and it is to all writing as camera work is to cinematography.
quote:I understand your point... however I'm not saying I don't understand POV or know how to use it...its that my POV is omniscient and part of the way that is reflected is in adjusting the narrative voice at different points so that it contains portions of characters' thinking styles. If you know what I mean.
Still, if you're going to switch POV like you did with the last line presented here, from Ammi to The Wanderer, you should have at least a paragraph break. I think that's what drew everyone's attention. I know it did mine.
posted
Yes, the POV switch in the last line was...not good. As I said, the first few pages of my book need serious editing. And I havn't done ANY editing yet.
I'm more concerned about how immersing the opening is. Though I understand the technical errors detract from that.
posted
Well, I'm intrigued by the apparent premise, if that helps you. A bit Anastasia, perhaps, but that's cool.
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posted
But how well you handle point of view is one of the main factors in how immersing text is. Readers become immersed in characters, and point of view is the mechanism.
So we are telling you that because of how you have handled point of view, we are not being immersed in what you posted.
posted
I agree with Corky. Because the POV has flaws, I cannot get "immersed" in your story.
You said that you understand that technical errors detract from getting into a story. So fix them! And then we will tell you whether we're hooked or not.
posted
I just have the problem of never being able to finish what I start. I always come up with new ideas before I can finish what I'm already working on. So I'm determined to finish this first draft before I do ANYTHING else, including editing what I already have. So in a few months I'll post a much better version of the opening.
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