posted
[This is my first post. I've rewritten this a couple of times now using suggestions found in the forums and I want to see if this is effective in getting the reader to want to continue. Here goes]
The summer sun hung heavy in the late afternoon sky as the two canoes slid sharply into the sands of the island beach and came to a jarring stop. Jorus stepped into the surf onto uncertain legs as his eight companions did the same. Through the trees he could just catch a glimpse of the tower with its bright orange light emanating near the top. After three days of near constant rowing to reach this distant island, the sanctuary of the tower was nearly theirs. It had taken all the courage and wits Jorus possessed to keep this small band of young runaway slaves ahead of the black ship hunting them. If it caught them the others would be made slaves again, but he had no doubt he would be executed for freeing them.
posted
I like what you have. You state the place, the protag and situation right off the bat. However; some of the alliteration seems forced. Both "hung heavy" and "slid sharply" feel awkward to me.
Posts: 30 | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
It's pretty good, but there is something a bit odd about the style. I'm going to think about it some.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
First off, I'd like to say welcome to Hatrack! Good to see your already putting to use what you've learned from reading around.
Ok, now for the fun part.
There seems to be an over abundance of adjectives. Try to limit the use of adjectives and replace them with more descriptive nouns.
quote: The summer sun hung heavy in the late afternoon sky as the two canoes slid sharply into the sands of the island beach and came to a jarring stop.
This sentence is way too long. Break it up into two -- that'll make it much easier to read and understand. Actually, now that I'm reading over it, alot of your sentences seem really lengthy, which might be because of all the adjectives you've got everywhere. Keep things more simplistic. Be descriptive, but don't use so many words to do so.
What would make for a better hook is putting the fact that Jorus is leading this band of runaway slaves right at the very beginning. This captures people's attention much better than saying "The summer sun hung heavy... etc" Get people to somewhat know who your character is first, and worry about all the details afterwords.
[This message has been edited by jinkx (edited October 07, 2005).]
posted
I have to agree whole-heartedly with jinkx's post. So many sentences were overly long and the writing forced. Paring it down will make it more coherent, ie:
quote:Jorus stepped into the surf onto uncertain legs as his eight companions did the same.
This is a very intriguing premise, and I would read more if I thought I could follow it with less effort. (I don't want to have to re-read sentences to understand what is trying to be said). That said, I don't think it's a difficult problem to fix. I'd love to see the next version of this opening, because I am interested.
The hooks---for me, the runaway slaves and what is this orange tower--are the best place to start. We shouldn't be finding out they're runaway slaves at the end of this. It should be right smack up front.
posted
I liked this opening. I am curious as to what is going to happen, but I am also curious as to everything leading up to this point. If you are going to weave it into the story as you go along, it could work well to keep people reading. If it's going to lead to a flashback, you might want to consider backing the beginning of the story up so you don't need a flashback. Good start.
Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
It is a good start. As I think everyone mentioned, your style is a little different--Somewhat wordy. I don't think it's overdone to the point that I wouldn't read it though. Good job so far and I want to know what happens next. I almost expect some kind of an ambush before they can reach the tower.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Yeah, some of it is just the amount of wordyness, I think there's something else bothersome about it, but it isn't what I'd call a bad thing. This opening has definite merit.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Long sentences don't give me a problem, but there wasn't really anything here to interest me. If they've already escaped, then the story appears, from this opening, to be over.
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I liked the opening and agree with the overly longness of the sentences. Don't worry about it as I have the same problem as I am still a beginner writer myself.
Posts: 384 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
Thanks everyone for the feedback. I can see the point about using too many adjectives and I'll try to boil it down some.
In my first draft, I did drop into flashback mode to show how they got to this point. In my current draft I plan to show it as I go along. Any thoughts on which is better?
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