It seemed ominous when the sun caught itself behind unusually heavy clouds on that September morning. The slight drizzle that began to fall seemed to make it worse. The drizzle was only enough to make Lekuto’s dark brown hair, which started about an inch and a half below his shoulder and sloped up to about chin-length, seem grey with drops of moisture. The drizzle wasn’t even heavy enough to wet the road.

Of course, no one much used the roads anymore, not since flight was made readily available and “flying cars” replaced regular automobiles sometime around a century ago. Roads, or what now was left of them, were becoming more and more chewed up from weather and warfare.

It seemed quite a shame to Lekuto that people would choose the

This is what I like to call "Marvel Syndrome."

You spend so much time marveling over your futuristic environment that you forget to realize your main character doesn't care.

Pretend writing in the present:

"Lekuto was writing a novel. He was so relieved now that the printing press made publishing so much simpler than having to write each book by hand. Oh how technology is fantastic."

You need to write your story like it's no big deal there are flying cars, or whatever crazy technology there is, because that's how the character see's it.

You're trying so hard to make a spectacal of the setting that you forget about the story.

Also, when you write dates, you don't need an apostrophe.

About the first paragraph, it's galumphing. You use the word drizzle three times to segue into different things. You go into excess detail about something as trivial as a hair style.

Nothing happens in this piece.

I'd think that he'd be more concerned about, you know, the warfare blowing up the roads (and presumably anything using them). Still, your justification for comparing areoes and autos is close to workable.

But you have no reason to mention Lekuto's dark brown hair...grey with drops of moisture. It's way out of POV anyway, and we don't care either.

I see some danger here that you'll say, "Okay, I'll put in a justification for Lekuto noticing that the drizzle is turing his dark brown hair grey." In fact, you might have already done this with the auto vs areo comparison on somebody's recommendation.

Don't.

If something doesn't serve a purpose in the story you're telling, then cut it. Don't try and rewrite the story so that you can keep something that has no place in your narrative. That makes a hash out of your story, puts it one step closer to being hack writing.

My sense is that the important thing isn't anything to do with whether people use areoes or autos, or what color Lekuto's hair seems in the light drizzle. I'm guessing that it's a lot more important that warfare is classed together with weather as shaping his current environment.

Here are the main reasons the paragraph didn't work for me.

I have to agree with some of the other posters as the first paragraph goes. The exact length of your character's hair isn't important to most readers, and I'll tell you why I think that's the case. Reading allows us to add something to a story, as opposed to movies, where it's pretty much all given to you.

When you cram descriptions of the mole on your character's neck just below his right ear when it isn't important to the story, you distance the reader from adding their own mental elements to your setting/characters.

I've always found it's a good goal to try and put enough description in to give a quick mental snapshot of whatever's happening, as well as who's involved, then back off to let the reader fill in the blanks him/herself. I don't always succede, mind you; but I always try.

I also echo Swimming Bird about the lack of action. It almost seems as if the storyteller is unsure himself about what the point of all this is, or what happens next. I often don't know (especially at the beginning) how a story is going to progress until I've written some of it. I've found I just don't like writing the pages of history, geographical notes, and family lines some writing books have recommended I finish before starting the story. I'd rather just write the story in "sandbox mode", and figure it out as I go.

I'm not sure if that's how you work as well, but I've found it helpful to do that initial grind out. The process more fully illuminates the story for me and I can then go back for the editing and fleshing out that needs to be done so I can be a bit more in command of a scene.

You *do* need to hit your POV sooner, so it can be your MC noticing the sun behind the clouds, and the accompanying feelings of foreboding.

But I think it would be a huge mistake for a writer to adopt the philosophy that his audience doesn't care about physical description. To me it evokes emotion and makes the story feel more real if I can "see" and "feel" the scene.