posted
Primer Bay rotated in orbit with stars glittering like abandoned diamonds in some black magicians canvas bag of tricks behind it hulking mass. The station, the last outpost of civilization before the deep space jump off is an isolated rest stop for the weary with all the amenities a person would need or want for the long hauls across space. Ten layers of docking bays ringed the station, seventeen shops, bars and restaurant lay at the station's heart. One lone criminal slid from an emergency exit of an prison freighter onto the station. Since it was midnight he went unnoticed.
Posts: 1 | Registered: Oct 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
You start by panning out to show an overview of the station, then zero in on some action: the lone criminal leaving the prison ship. I suggest reversing the order. Lead with the action. Worry about panning out later. You'll hook me better by making something happen first, then filling in the descriptive stuff.
A couple of more mechanical things. You have typos, so I'm not sure how carefully you revised this. Also, you mix past and present tense too much. Probably because you are trying to make one paragraph cover too much ground.
I'm new here.This is my first bit of feedback. Hope I have been helpful and not too blunt. I welcome feedback on my feedback
posted
Consider your POV carefully. Probably you can open this scene and develop its relevence to the story better by using the POV of your furtive escapee.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
