posted
Following is the first thirteen lines of the prologue of a fantasy novel I am writing. The reason for the prologue is because of a nearly 6-year gap between it and the first chapter. So far I am at 9,000 words total. I am looking for feedback/constructive criticism, as this is my first attempt at a novel.
Milar Keljorn was outside chasing his younger brother Lucas when his power first began to appear.
Ten-year old Lucas raced around another tree and peered around to see where Milar was. He heard cursing and knew that Milar was getting close. Lucas scrambled up the tree, scaling the branches until he was high enough to see the house in the distance. Milar came crashing through the brush seconds later. Milar hunched over, his breath coming hard and his face red. He scanned the area around him, looking for some telltale sign that Lucas had been there. The grass was trampled around the big oak tree, and from the scuffmarks on the bark, it was evident that someone or something recently climbed the tree. Milar looked up into the tree and saw Lucas shift behind the foliage, attempting
[This message has been edited by rahamad (edited October 21, 2005).]
posted
I noticed you used the main characters name several time when you started the a new sentence. It comes across, at least to me, like a list of bullet points. I would suggest some sentence reconstuction and alternate ways of refering to the hero of your story. It can add depth to an individual and allow the story to flow better.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Oct 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Thank you for your responses. If I may, I'd like to ask a few clarifying questions.
Is the POV problem the switching between the two characters' actions?
When you say pacing, is it too slow? Too fast?
I've been going over and over how to restructure sentences so I don't repeat the names of the characters so much. I would appreciate any suggestions on how other people make this work.
posted
I'm sure there is a POV document around this board somewhere, I just did a very simplified explanation on POV on one of rastafarianblackbear's stories.
Okay so here is your specific POV faux paus
[LUCAS POV] Ten-year old Lucas raced around another tree and peered around to see where Milar was. He heard cursing and knew that Milar was getting close. Lucas scrambled up the tree, scaling the branches until he was high enough to see the house in the distance. Milar came crashing through the brush seconds later. [MILAR POV?] Milar hunched over, his breath coming hard and his face red. He scanned the area around him, looking for some telltale sign that Lucas had been there. [DEFINITELY MILAR POV] The grass was trampled around the big oak tree, and from the scuffmarks on the bark, it was evident that someone or something recently climbed the tree. Milar looked up into the tree and saw Lucas shift behind the foliage, attempting [THIS IS A MID-SENTENCE SHIFT IN POV. MILAR CAN ONLY SUSPECT WHAT LUCAS IS ATTEMPTING, HE CAN'T KNOW.]
PoV should be limited to one character in a given section of your story. Full Omniscient (where we can see everyone's thoughts) counters our desire to bond with a character and immerse ourselves in your story.
Don't worry about repeating names as long as your sentence structure varies.
An Exercise: Rewrite the opening in First Person. Once you have that done, go back and translate that to third person. Viola, instant 3rd person Omniscient. Well, not so instant.
posted
Thanks for the info, that really helps me understand the POV issue.
I see books all the time that switch POV from chapter to chapter. Especially if there is more than one main character, and each character is away following parallel plot lines. Or sometimes a book introduces an anti-hero the same way. Is this considered OK, or should the entire book all be from one POV?
posted
Switching POV at chapter breaks is fairly common and well accepted. However, generally speaking all of a book should be written in a consistent POV style. For instance, if you're doing 3PLO for some chapters, they should probably all be 3PLO even if you use several different POV characters. Same for first person and Full Omniscient, pretty much.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
OK, Rewritten to be more POV friendly (I think)
Milar Keljorn raced forward, scrambling to catch his younger brother Lucas before he could escape. After crashing through the brush, he hunched over, his breath coming hard and his face red. The frustrated youth scanned the area around him, looking for some telltale sign that Lucas had been there. The trampled grass around the big oak tree and the scuffmarks on the bark gave away the thief's location. Milar looked up into the tree and saw Lucas shift behind the foliage, apparently attempting to hide from Milar's view.
"Give it back Lucas! It's mine, not yours," shouted up Milar. The anger he felt only reddened the color of his already flushed face.
"Come up and get it then," came the reply from the ...
[This message has been edited by rahamad (edited October 21, 2005).]
posted
That said, the first line does not have to have a specific reason for being there. You could just leave it as bait. I've seen it done many times, and while I don't use it personally, it could work. You'd need some kind of transition though, like.
quote:Milar Keljorn was outside chasing his younger brother Lucas when his power first began to appear.
He had been racing forward, scrambling to catch Lucas before he could escape. After crashing through the brush, he hunched over...etc
On the whole opening, this is more "POV friendly". I am somewhat frustrated by not knowing what Lucas stole from Milar, which should be uppermost in Milar's mind at the moment he chases his brother.
posted
I'd definitely keep the first line about the "power" first manifesting.
Without it, you've got two kids, one chasing the other because the other's stolen something that the first one considers is his... yadda yadda. Sorry, but that's just dull, and I am going to assume the story is about kids, and I don't like stories about kids.
But if the first line, the teaser, is there, then I know that this story is going to head somewhere interesting, and that there's more than just kids playing going on, and that (hopefully) the kids are going to grow up and become more interesting.
If that first line is there, I'll read on, at least for a while. Without it, I'm just not remotely interested in the story as it appears to be starting.
posted
I like the original first line as bait. It gives the reader a sense of why the scene is important right off the bat.
I would keep the "Give it back," while loosing the "It's mine, not yours" in the dialogue because you've already stated the younger brother is a thief and it seems clunky to me.
I would also think about nixxing the part about the shouting turning his face more red. You've already painted a detailed picture of the event through the opening and the dialogue and I don't think it adds to the scene.
posted
It's okay to have a hook in the first line, but if it forces you to cast the rest of your opening as a flashback, you need to be careful.
The POV in the rewrite is solid, but you do want to mention what it is that Lucas has stolen unless the item itself is utterly unimportant (and I know that kids do that kind of crap all the time). If it's something interesting enough, it could be a better "hook" than the power fist (by the way, you might want to rename that, I'm thinking of a big, red, mechanized glove with lightning coming out of the fingers).
The thing about putting the "power fist" up front is that it's entirely unnecessary. This is a fantasy novel. You open with a kid running around, we're going to pretty much expect that he'll develop some kind of magical powers. And did I mention that I found the name a bit...off?
That said, I wouldn't mind taking a look at this prologue once you're finished recasting the POV.
posted
Er...Survivor, unless I'm mistaken, it's "his power FIRST began to appear". Although a power fist would be fun.
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
While I agree with Survivor that the hook in the opening line shouldn't digress into the typical flashback procedure, this chapter happens to be a prologue. It's entire purpose is to show a past event.
Also, given the new, stronger POV, I think the passage looses alot of the typical flashback flavor. The author is merely taking the whole "tell the ending first" situation, which can build a strong connection with the reader because now the author has promised to show something. The author has stated powers will develop, now he must show how.
Finally, I don't see the opening line as part of the chapter's main POV, simply a declaration made by the author. In most cases I would whole-heartedly gun down this approach, but because most fantasies are typically milieu stories I find it totally acceptable. Most, if not all of the great fantasy authors: Homer, Tolkien, Jordan, Eddings, Williams, King syphon off from the POV to make statements like the one in the opening.
I have said my piece.
[This message has been edited by thedeathkillersareback (edited October 24, 2005).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
