posted
Hello, all. Just wanted to get your take on the (first draft) intro of my latest sci-fic short. Not much action I'm afraid...but I never intended there to be, anyway. As always, thanks for reading and subsequent comments.
Leonidas sighed as he gazed up at the roiling sky. The pending storm was gathering strength for what was sure to be a hellish rampage. Hauer Colony had seen enough of the like this year to recognize a true tempest in the making. He tore his eyes away from the dark, rushing clouds and lifted two fifty-kilo sacks of grain without even a hint of effort. The colonists had been shocked at his strength, having never seen a man strong enough to just toss the sacks around, let alone one-handed. Not without breaking a sweat...and snapping all the tendons in their arms.
Once a burly farmer had mustered up enough courage to ask him how he’d gotten so strong. One look at his face had sent the man scurrying away. --------------------------------------------
Inkwell ------------------ "The only difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
[This message has been edited by Inkwell (edited November 04, 2005).]
posted
I just finished Steven Pressfield's _Gates of Fire_, so I was intrigued by the references to Thermopylae in this opening. I was also interested by the hints about Leonidas' past and I wanted to know more. If you need a reader for the whole story, let me know.
Posts: 150 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Not really enough of a hook for me. Everything seems so passive, not that there has to be rip-roaring action from the get go, but I need more than just --here's a strong guy looking at an approaching storm and no one knows why he is so strong.
Posts: 57 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
I'm gonna pull the "too many secrets" card on this one.
Whose PoV? Leonidas? He is the only one mentioned so we have to assume he is.
quote:The colonists had been shocked at his strength, having never seen a man strong enough to just toss the sacks around, let alone one-handed. Not without breaking a sweat...and snapping all the tendons in their arms.
quote:One look at his face had sent the man scurrying away.
both break that PoV.
Leonidas knows why he is so strong, so we should.
The second sentence is passive from the second "was". The first is followed by a gerund making it just a less active verb. "gathered" is better than "was gathering". But "was sure to be" is purely passive.
I'd say a full rewrite appears to be in order. Don't jump immediately into how the colonists feel about Leonidas. Focus more on what's going on now in the story.
posted
I did a tentative rewrite over my lunch break, after reading the first responses. I think there's improvement in the overall structure and organization of the piece, and perhaps clarity the rough draft was lacking. The initial writing also seemed a little too ponderous…in fact, it was pretty d*** boring, in my opinion. It may still be boring to some, but as I said before: I’m not lunging into activity on this one.
After reading through the intro several more times I agreed on there being too much emphasis on Leonidas' strength. I've downplayed that considerably, though I'm not sure I trust general knowledge of the metric system enough to convey just how heavy 50 kilos is (especially for one-handed work). I dunno…the audience for this will probably be familiar enough to take the hint.
Glad to hear someone 'got' the title, too.
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Leonidas sighed as he gazed up at the roiling summer sky. An approaching storm gathered strength, leaching moisture from warm ground-level air to feed the hidden rampage above. He had seen enough of the like over the past year to recognize a true tempest in the making. The big man tore his eyes away from dark, rushing clouds and lifted two fifty-kilo sacks of grain without a hint of effort.
He crossed the short distance to a small, modular barn and casually tossed the bags inside. As he latched the doors a few cold drops of rain blotted his shirt. He yanked on the handles...just to be sure they would stay shut when the wind toyed with them. A frown creased his scarred face as he mentally reviewed the list of items that needed to be tied down before the storm hit. --------------------------------------------
Inkwell ------------------ "The only difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
[This message has been edited by Inkwell (edited November 04, 2005).]
posted
What pantros said. I'm liking it, but not really hooked. If Leonidas were terrified of the storm, I'd care, but since he isn't too worried, neither am I -- and just tying things down for a storm doesn't grip me.
Nit, but an important one: last sentence, first paragraph, you refer to "the big man," and I think, who is he? It takes a little time to realize that it's Leonidas.
OSC, in Characters & Viewpoint, discusses this. Don't do it, he said. If you want us to know that Leonidas is a big man, you can say, "Leonidas was a big man." Or tell us some other way, that doesn't leave us wondering if there are 2 men present.
Caveat: I wouldn't say this anyway. Leonidas is definitely not thinking about his own size at this moment, so it breaks POV.
posted
I think your second post sounds better. I agree with some of the others regarding the storm...your MC should feel something about it. Does he feel a thrill of excitement? Fear? Posts: 97 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
It's better, though you lost a few things you could easily put back. For instance, you could say "He had seen enough of the like over the past year [at Hauer Colony] to recognize a true tempest in the making." That actually tells us both that this is happening at a place call Hauer (which tells us a lot) and implies that Leonidas has been there for just the past year. Efficient, and the sort of implication that goes straight into the readers brain rather than bludgeoning it's way through the eye/ear like out of POV exposition has to do.
As for "without effort", it's still a little out of POV and is also negative description. "The big man" is bad enough, find a way to say he lifted it easily without saying something that Leonidas wouldn't have really noticed. Like, "He...quickly snatched two of the fifty-kilo sacks of adjective grain." Telling us that he can snatch two fifty-kilo sacks of anything lets us know that this is one seriously big guy. "Quickly" might be a tad redundant, but it emphasizes his strength without making a big deal about it. I also suggest telling us something about the grain that would suggest why he's carrying it to the barn. Is is freshly harvested, or seed, or emergency supply or what?
I know, that's a lot of critique on just those two lines, but everything else was pretty good already. You really do need the information that this is a Colony (capitalized) and he's fairly new here to establish your setting, which was otherwise very well done. How to resolve the line between POV and out of POV is more a matter of taste, I always agonize over POV expression.
posted
Thanks for all the comments, guys. My third rewrite is going splendidly, and I think I've finalized the middle-end transition (imagine that!).
With the help of your more objective viewpoints, I also think I know what I'm going to do with the intro. There needs to be a true merging of the critical plot concept (landing of military forces on the colony world, and the colonists' reaction to said event) and the introduction of the main character (Leonidas), who is ex-military.
I've decided to retain the scene with the approaching storm, only this time having Leonidas' watching a troop transport drop from the sky. I'll be able to include a little more foreshadowing connected to his past and possibly add an emotional twinge (not to mention a clearer hook). Thanks again for the suggestions.
Inkwell ----------------- "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
[This message has been edited by Inkwell (edited November 06, 2005).]
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