posted
This is the story I've been working on for a long time. It's gone through many phases and I think I'm now ready to work on finishing it. It's going to be long, hopefully not too long, but it's not a short story. I've dabbled in the prologue, almost finished chapter one, worked on chapters two through three, written some scenes here and there, and worked on the history a lot.
Anyway, since I only have 13 lines I'll pick 13 from the beginning of the first chapter rather than the prologue:
Among the battlements and ramparts, there was a door. This door had protected the citizens of Zaori from countless invaders and enemies for countless years. Its hinges were broken; its frames were torn; its jamb was cracked; and all the while, through many bashings of battering rams, it still stood. The door was considered to be the height of a large cottage, or possibly a few dozens-of-feet tall. This door, the door that had never allowed an enemy or unwanted visitor in, was now being opened.
I'd like to know if any of you thought this was interesting and if you want to read more. If you want to read the rest of the first chapter and/or prologue, I'd be glad to send it to you. So what did you think of it?
posted
I like it. You can send me a longer excerpt to view if you want, but my timetable is variable depending upon my day job workload. Please specify just what level of critique you want (no promises, but it might help focus a little better).
I don't like excessive lexicon cohesion such as using the word "countless" twice in the second sentence. I dislike repeditive sounds such as "still stood".
Both of these criticisms are purely stylistic preferences and probably reflect my own strivings. I sometimes spend a lot of time rewriting my own work to reduce or increase repeditive sounds depending upon the sensory effects I want to evoke.
Also, how is a door considered?
[This message has been edited by keldon02 (edited October 22, 2005).]
posted
I never thought about how a door could be considered. I'll work on that, thanks.
I have realized that there is a lot of repetition in my writing. At the times I want to repeat, I'm doing it for emphasis. Sometimes I find myself using the same word over and over (this chapter I've seen it a lot). Mainly it's because I can't seem to find another word that fits the same meaning.
Thanks for your input. I'll e-mail you what I have. As for the level of critiqueage, please understand that I'm a first-time writer and I'm trying to learn as much as I can. Give me as many critiques as you can. I don't mind.
Oh, I never really thought about repeating sounds. That's a first for me.
quote: Its hinges were broken; its frames were torn; its jamb was cracked; and all the while, through many bashings of battering rams, it still stood.
The above gives me a feeling we are oscillating from looking at the door from the inside then the outside then the inside etc. Maybe because I assume the hinges are on the inside and the battle damage would all be on the outside.
quote: The door was considered to be...
It either is or it isn't the height of a large cottage, or a few dozens-of-feet tall.
It made me think 'why is it being opened now.' Nice one.
posted
The opening is not without a certain interest, but there are a few points that spring to mind.
Firstly, if the hinges have broken, the frame is torn, and the jamb is cracked, then it's hard to understand that it's still standing; it's certainly hard to imagine it being opened without falling apart completely. Also, if it isn't opened very often, one even questions why it's there. If you don't need a door for years upon years... you wall it up.
"The height of a large cottage, or a few dozens-of-feet tall."
If we're talking about human constructions, in a non-modern sense, generally speaking you allow about 8 feet per floor at most (modern buildings are often more because of the room between floors for infrastructure - a/c, electrical, etc). So "a few dozens-of-feet tall" implies a four or five storey building at least, which is more than I'd consider a "large cottage" - the grandest "cottage" could probably cope with three floors, usually fewer.
And "dozens-of-feet" struck me as a clumsy construct. If people generally use a measure, like "dozens-of-feet", they'll give it a name.
posted
While I'm all for a detailed setting as an opener, I find that I loose interest because you haven't established a person and therefore a POV yet. Battlements and doors are well and good, put where's the action?
Also, do you use a lot of hard returns in those lines? It seems short for 13.
posted
Depending on the length of the piece in question, I don't necessarily feel there's a need to establish either action or a distinct POV character yet. But it's a matter of taste. There's only so much that 13 lines can be expected to do, although some writers have the magic touch of being able to say in 10 words what I can barely mumble in 100.
If the idea seems intriguing and the writing is good enough, then I'd read on, and that's the case here, despite the dozens-of-feet clumsiness. But yes, I probably would expect an actual living character of some kind to be introduced soon - important though the door may be, if there are events, they're likely to involve animate objects with free will, and that tends to be more interesting than just hearing about a door.
quote:But yes, I probably would expect an actual living character of some kind to be introduced soon
That's exactly what I did. I get the point about the reading might find a door boring and lose interest.
As for the 13 lines, when I copy/pasted the first paragraph into the "Your Reply" box, I counted 13 lines. I really didn't know how I'm supposed to count them, so I did it that way.
How about "a dozen ells" or "two rods" which would be in keeping with the poetic style you're using? Fathoms sounds too nautical and axe handles sounds too northwoodsy.
In keeping with my recent Hemingway bashing I recall reading that Faulkner once accused him of not owning a thesaurus. Here is an online thesaurus link: http://thesaurus.reference.com/
[This message has been edited by keldon02 (edited October 24, 2005).]
posted
I don't think the average reader will be so stumped by medieval measurements. A hand is roughly the size of a hand. When I read nail, I thought 2 to 3 inches, and that is what is described in that link. You can use non-modern measurements if they are descriptive.
I didn't like the exerpt. While it was interesting, I think the point of the door was overdone. If we'd seen the door through the eyes of a character-- perhaps the protagonist standing before the door, I might have been more interested.
The fact that the door was being opened didn't really snare me, either. To me, a door is meant to open, anyway. Many ancient cities have gates, which open, but are still important and keep enemies out.
Also, the door sounds more like a gate to me. I was picturing a city gate. If this isn't the case (e.g., it's a door to another world), you might want to hint at that earlier.
What I do like is the almost poetic feel of the words. It sets up a certain tone and feel for the story, which seems to fit well in those short lines.
Lastly, I pictured the door as being busted open when I read about broken hinges.
posted
How much feedback do you want on the sample you sent? Are you more interested in flow of the story, structure, style, alternative formulations?
I'm wondering if you need to go ahead and flesh out the rest of the chapters before you get into re-doing it. It can be pretty frustrating to have to do structural revisions on a half finished story. I've got one which is about half finished (over 50,000 words) where I stalled out from losing momentum to write, all because I started looking for a finished draft on the first 2 chapters.
posted
kelden02, that sounds just like me. I keep making revisions to the past things I've done and am not moving forward. Like, one step forward and two steps back.
As for feedback, I'll send you the "finished" first chapter to critique. I'm interested in all of the above actually. Things that didn't fit, need to be changed, etc.
Thank you for the critique, lehollis. It is a door and not a gate. I didn't think about the hinges part, thank you. I do introduced a minor character a paragraph down, but that's more than 13 lines.
posted
what I noticed, and I have the same problem, is a lack of action, as forementioned. you might want to have something like sentries going on their rounds, or a crew working (finally, of course) on fixing the door. thats my oppinion, but it may not be the opinion of the audience that you are trying to get. I seem to want to know everything about the people as possible, so who are the Zaori?
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posted
I am very mildly hooked. Hooked, because I think the city is about to change, probably in some horrible way; mildly, because I don't know any characters to care about yet.
Which I think is OK, using OSC's dictum that the 1st paragraph is free (in terms of POV). But in the next, I'll want to zoom in on a POV charactert.
quote:I keep making revisions to the past things I've done and am not moving forward. Like, one step forward and two steps back.
OK, stop everything and proceed to a rough first draft to the very end. Ignore style and description. Just drag this miserable scruffy bunch of reprobates, thieves and mercinaries into their future until the story ends. Ignore their kicking and squirming and stifle their occasional screams. Just write, stabbing all the bad guys with your pen if they try to side track you.
Then when you finish you can rewrite. Use the colored revision setting on your Word program or use a dead paragraph file if you need to look at two alternatives, but keep writing.
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