posted
This is a short story 924 words that I wrote for one of Liberty Hall's Flash challenges. I liked how it turned out so I am going to try to make it better. Looking for both feedback on what's here and peeps willing to critique the whole thing.
MALA, TELL ME By Wil Ogden Lord Robin had left the curtain open when he had left. Mala crawled from her pile of silk pillows and, tugging at the tether on her right wrist, used her left hand to pull the heavy curtain closed. She briefly caught a glimpse of the hazy purple mountains in the distance. Her lord had already mounted his horse and rode before her carriage, leading his section of the caravan home. She had never been home. For the past nine weeks she had sat in her carriage, chained to the corner post, surrounded by fine silk and sugared fruits. Glancing at the tiny golden padlock that fastened her wrist cuff to the silver threaded tether, she fondled the chain around her neck. Her lord had given her the necklace after she had first inspired him.
posted
You do use "had" a couple of times when you don't really need it. There are no passive constructions, but there isn't much real action.
I'm a bit concerned because I'm pretty sure I saw "muse as literal person kept in physical captivity" on a cliche list somewhere. But I would read further if not for the fact that I now must immerse myself in the mentality of the Imperial Guard as much as possible.
posted
bah, my protagonist is really just a storyteller (shaharezade like).
I just called her a muse (shockingly in a part that I hadn't realized Survivor had read) once to alleviate a sexual mislead.
So, I'm not going to concern myself with the cliche list on this one. It does affect some dreams of publication for some of my older work, but hey, that's already been rejected a few times and needs a rewrite anyway .
On the other hand, just because its been done before doesn't mean it can't be done well enough and differently enough to make it worthwhile. I read most of those and thought, 'well, yeah that would make a stupid story,' and then there was one and I thought, 'well, I have that story, D'oh'
This was confusing because I had no idea she was actually IN a carriage and thought she had crawled out of her bed in a building and gone to the window only to see the bloke ride away in front of a caravan. It has a weird, clunky feeling, like she wishes she was going with them. If you are talking about beds and cushions and drapery and views from windows (implied by the word curtain) it is natural for the reader to assume she is in a bedroom, if she isn't we need to know within the first few words.
IMH(and confused)O
It may be just a case of swapping paragraph sequence. Also the reference to 'padlock' and 'chain' in the same sentance are too close. It seems like the chain may be used to confine her rather than the necklace it is.
Simply fixed by something like this:
quote: Glancing at the tiny golden padlock that fastened her wrist cuff to the silver threaded tether, she fondled the necklace around her throat. The one her lord had given to her after she had first inspired him.
Just to make it clearer.
Anyway, there's a twopence-worth for you.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 01, 2005).]
posted
Survivor, Thanks, you have yet to offer worthless advice.
Hoptoad, Thanks, I'll look into better wording on those things that need it.
And yeah, it's the padlock on the wrist that confines her. The key to the padlock is on the necklace, but she is too afraid of the unsureties of freedom to set herself free. But, that gets covered later in the story.
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