posted
Thanks for everybody's feedback on my 13 lines. The feedback has been very helpful. Hopefully I have learned from it.
Here is try #3.
Seth staggered forward dutifully with the crowd toward the town center to see why the bell had been sounded. The deep reverberations had started just as daylight broke across the valley, and wouldn't stop until the entire town was gathered.
He scowled to himself; the bell was never sounded for good news. The Great Council of the Fins, the Gods' so-called living ministers here in the flesh, only sounded the bell when someone had been chosen. To a few, being chosen was a great honor--it meant passing down through the Great Well and into eternal bliss. But to Seth and most of the townsfolk, being chosen simply meant death.
Glancing up at the Great Well as it pierced through the heart of the rising sun, Seth ...
posted
I think there is too much emphasis on the sounding of the bell. I know it's important, but within 13 lines you manage to repeat it three times. Same thing goes for "being chosen". I'm not sure about the opening per se. You could manage to compress it by suppressing the repeats, but there is something missing to grab me. I think it is because this does not sound like an unusual thing for Seth; nor does it look as though he is going to do more than join the crowd and watch whatever is going to happen. I am not interested. I would be if someone he knew had been chosen.
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posted
I had to read it twice to get hooked; I suggest putting the "transfer to bliss" and "death" at the start of paragraph 2, or in paragraph 1 -- hook us right off. And be aware that the disjunct between believers and unbelievers is a a major part of the hook (at least, for me).
Beyond that, I'll say: cool. Any place that does human sacrifice of commoners, and the commoners don't think it's worthwhile, is bound for an explosion. Unless it's rule by terror, which is also unstable.
posted
I'm hooked. For one thing, I'm partial to stories with a tolling bell...the imagery of it really gets through to my imagination. Kicks me into the tale more efficiently than most other introductory devices. Beyond that, the contempt of the main character for an abusive theocracy is a very powerful communicator to the reader. It let's us know not only his mood, but the fact that such thoughts have obviously festering for some time. Ergo, the lethal 'choosing' has been in practice for some time, and is therefore a point of dissent among the 'candidates.'
My only problems with the intro are the first sentence (which I had trouble getting through...the flow of it seemed a little off), and the aforementioned hook organization issue. It is there, and I am definitely snagged on the barb, so to speak, but I think you could tighten the overall structure a bit. Streamline it, for lack of a better word.
I'd be more than willing to read the whole draft, if and when you are ready for large-scale critiquing. Keep up the good work.
Inkwell ------------------ "The only difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
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