posted
Hmm... Something I'm wondering--is Colding (if that's his name) mentally ill or retarded? No offense meant, but the way his POV is described is really ... wierd. I'm not one to say anything about clarity, but what is going on?
Also, the first sentence is useless. Colding repeats it almost word-for-word later on in this fragment.
[This message has been edited by scm288 (edited October 31, 2005).]
posted
The sentences feel less fluid than some of your other stuff, less inevitable, less resonant. It's flat. Colding seems like a detached clinical observer in the first paragraph, and though you tell me he's afraid, I don't believe it.
I dunno, I'm just comparing it to some of your other work that I've liked and trying to put my finger on what's missing. Maybe it's fine.
The main character seems very young, 5-7 years old, because of his struggle with words, the way he responds to news stories and falling stars by getting scared and, like chicken little, thinks the sky is falling and by the way he compensates for his fear by talking to his mom and dad whose words seem more like a 'there, there' than anything else. If he is not a child, then he is definitely odd, perhaps immature, and I would waiger that his mom cooked his dinner for him.
I'm not sure about something 'glowing black'. I think I know what you mean though. Maybe try something like: 'Shedding blackness' or 'Broadcast darkness' or 'emanate' or something. Just 'glow' is such a boring word that's meaning seems too caught up with the presence of light rather than its absence. I understand however, that this may be a word chosen because of the limits of the POV character's vocabulary, similar to how you mentioned 'power' at the end as being the only word he could use that seemed to fit what he was trying to express. At least thats what it sound like you meant to me.
I don't dislike it. There is plenty of bait there for your hook. I'm just a bit unhooked right now and that may be because, as Beth mentioned, it doesn't strike me as being a smooth read yet.
As a reader I would probably reserve judgement on this piece for a few more paragraphs.
Edit: IF you really want readers you may need to tell us what genre and how long the piece is.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 04, 2005).]
posted
I don't know what you are referring to in the above posts, so I assume it is about letting us in on length and genre.
If you misunderstood me, I meant this: it seems you have little chance getting people to commit to read and critique without telling them what they are in for.
posted
ah, Troy, did you understand me? You know I've loved some of your other stuff and you have my full support. I guess I just want this to be like the ones I loved. I'm sorry if you were going for something different and I didn't get it. Sometimes I'm dense.
posted
Yeah, I got you Beth. Let me tell you what this is. Seems like a long time ago I had a story on Liberty Hall (it was a dairy queen) called "Jason" about this chick Gloria who has a miscarriage and goes to the hospital, and then her former best friend, a dude named Colding, comes along and cleans up the apartment...
You were one of the people who reviewed the story. You liked the writing but were upset about his actions.
What you didn't know is that *earlier* I had done a story for the Notebored with the same people -- Gloria and Colding, but when they were little kids. Gloria finds a hurt baby bird and Colding has these powers, you see. That I won't fully explain, here.
This is those two stories combined together into the one story they were always meant to be.
See, in "Jason" I never mentioned Colding's powers, but I always thought if the reader knew that Colding could bring the baby back to life the way he brought the bird back when he was a kid, it would add a lot of tension to the story.
And that's what this is. It needs a ton of work, I realize that. But it's one of those that I want to take the time to perfect.
posted
Yes, I remember "Jason." I'm kind of stunned to hear that Colding could have taken a very different path in that story - he seems monstrous. Look, talk to me in December if you still need help with this then.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Preface: I thought your first thirteen were okay enough to read on a little more before deciding whether to read it all or not. I read and critiqued Carnival Pop for you and was offering, more or less, to read this piece if you told me how long it was.
The rolleyes is because it seems temperamental to solicit readers only to refuse to tell prospective ones what you will require from them. It also makes it appear as though you might have not yet finished the story and have no idea what shape or length it might be, in which case courtesy would suggest you just say so.
But hey, if that's not quite how you do it...
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 04, 2005).]
I'm happy to read. So far I've never been disapointed by your stuff and I like the idea of Colding having the power to bring the baby back. Will he, won't he, sounds like great tention.
Send it on over, or post it in your forum at LH, and I'll get over there in the next day or two.
posted
There was something wrong with the sky. Colding Parker ate his dinner with the news on. Airplanes crashed. Clouds broke open and rain spilled onto the streets of his town. When nighttime came, he sat on the front steps of his house and watched meteors flashing into the atmosphere -- little white streaks, one by one. The neighborhood glowed black. There’s a hole in the ozone layer, he thought. The rain had stopped hours earlier, but the air felt unnaturally wet. He was afraid.
He told his parents, “There’s something wrong with the sky.”
“What makes you say that?”
“It can’t keep what it has. It, like, loses its powers.” He used that word because it seemed natural to him. Powers.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I hope it is okay that I reply this way. It helps me a bit.
Colding Parker ate his dinner with the news on. - this sentence seems out of place to me. It interrupted "the sky is falling" description.
Also, Colding seems young - still lives with his parents. Ask yourself at what age does a youngster turn off cartoons and sitcoms to watch the news.
The neighborhood glowed black. - this description threw me a bit.
Colding's last words set the tension and made me want more.
posted
I like the opening, though I think it could use some work. I'm unsure about the name Colding. I worry that it might be awkward later. I hope it isn't. The character felt young to me. It had a child-like innocence.
I think you can get rid of the first sentance. It feels disjointed to go from that to dinner and television. Also, it seemed like these were all normal events, but they meant something more to Colding. With that opening, it seemed more like common knowledge that something was wrong with the sky.
Good luck with the project. Sorry I could not help more. . . . . . . . . . EDIT: to disclose contents of original post and avoid confusion about the posts that follow and doubts to my ethics. Originally, intending to be funny, I said this:
quote: Sorry to have offered some advice. Do you think your ego will recover? Good luck with the project. Sorry I could not help more.
Because it sounded rude, I changed it within seconds to:
quote: Sorry to have offered some advice. Do you think you will recover? Good luck with the project. Sorry I could not help more.
Then, about an hour later I just deleted it, knowing it wasn't going to be found funny. (Though, at the time, I thought it was.)
Offense was taken anyway and a mess ensued. So, sorry folks.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 07, 2005).]
We love Troy. And if he doesn't want to tell you the word count, and that offends you, then you don't have to read it. Personally, I haven't read one of Troy's stories that wasn't worth every word.
posted
Edit: Removed a comment that really was unnecessary.
Hey, Pix, thanks for critiquing the story at the other place. I'm glad you liked the ending. And I think your suggestion for the beginning is probably quite correct.
[This message has been edited by TL 601 (edited November 04, 2005).]
posted
Anyone here remember the movie COOL HAND LUKE? If so, do you remember one of the warden's favorite statements? ("What we have here is a failure to communicate.")
I think we're having a serious Cool Hand Luke situation here.
Hoptoad was trying to help and the responses he has gotten have mystified me as much as they have mystified him.
posted
TL is apparently under the misimpression that stating the story length is a commitment not to develop the story into a longer (or possibly shorter) version in the future rather than a simple statement of how much text he is currently going to ask critiquers to read.
Either that, or he's got something really long and he doesn't want to scare away potential readers
Actually, I think that it's a case where he's taken a shorter flash, expanded it into a longish short, and wants to pleasently surprise those who've read the short flash with this more involved story.
I have to agree with pixydust here, I haven't read one of Troy's stories that wasn't worth every word. Of course, that's because I haven't read even one of his stories But that just proves the other point, Hoptoad doesn't have to read them if he doesn't like the way TL presents them here.
I think that if TL want's to suprise readers of the flash with a much deeper story this time around, he should have posted his request over at LH, where the flashers hang out more. Then, after getting their feedback on the story, he could have tried the more general audience over here and followed the instructions.
But hey, he's not quite a n00b, but he's still quite new around here. Things happen.
I did edit all my posts for grammar and spelling (a bit compulsive that way) but altered the substance of only one (the one after the 'thanks everyone' post.) I removed a line that was supposed to be funny, but in context could not be seen that way, and I did it within the hour.
I also altered one from saying "It appears as though...' to 'It makes it appear as though..." That was for the sake of clarity only rather than to smokescreen.
As I said, I am sorry this got out of hand. Good luck with the project.
Edit: Yes I did edit this post too, but only for spelling.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 06, 2005).]
posted
I think we just totally misunderstood each other. Can we shake imaginary hands and forget about this?
Posts: 237 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Sorry, just to clarify on my end. My comment was to the one above that hoptoad edited--it's the one he said was supposed to be funny but turned out rude--and it was. Thanks for changing it, though. Sorry if I made it all more confusing. Seems to be the theme of this posting.
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