posted
The prettiest girl I’d ever seen. With a cheap shirt, cheap pants, cheap cologne and hand me down shoes on my feet, Suzie said yes in the cafeteria. She screamed yes on the dusty rug in my room two weeks later, our naked bodies bathing in cobwebs and grit. That golden blond hair that bounced around on her head like it was alive and her light green eyes with the big long lashes. Those lashes she used to bat at me from across third period biology. Love letters scribbled down on ripped up notebook sheets, passed under desks with a look that said "Don't read until later." We flirted, we dated, we made love. She made excuses, lies, half truths, and then made nothing at all.
Is this style of writing working? This excerpt is from the middle of a seven page (double spaced on Word) short story. If you'de like to read more, let me know. It would be much appreciated.
posted
Why are you using so many sentence fragments? No. I'm sorry to say that your particular style is not working.
Beyond that, you need to introduce us to the characters. You know, what they're like, what they care about. This just seems like cheap, smutty romance. Why not make it rich, engaging romance?
I've gotten in trouble for this before myself, but start at the beginning of your story, not the middle. Those are kind of the rules of the forum.
posted
Pantros is right about this being poetry. It reminds me of some of Robert Frosts's longer works which approach being short stories, except from the other side of the prose-poetry barrier.
It works for me, but only because I like narrative poetry. Just as a bet to yourself try reformatting it into poetic lines and see if you still like it.
[This message has been edited by keldon02 (edited November 11, 2005).]
posted
This excerpt is from the second page, when the main character is rattling off reasons for leaving. The rest of this story, once passed the first two pages, is told in third person. So the reader doesn't have to contend with sentence fragments for too long. Pretty simple plot--a kid hates his life and decides it's time to walk away. Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
I would reccommend against such a drastic change in style mid-story.
It will throw your audience, leaving you with having to impress their socks off to not leave them disappointed.
I admit that I am not the ideal person to offer my critique. I would not have read more than a paragraph of the above style and thus never would have found the traditional prose.
On the other hand an affecionado of poetry might be upset when the traditional prose takes over.
A few people will like both and think you are a genious of a writer for usuing them both in the same piece...if it is done well.
posted
The style is mostly working for me, and drastic changes in tone can work for dramatic reasons, but it's hard to say without reading the rest of the piece.
I might be interested in reading the rest. How many words is your story and what genre?
posted
The style doesn't bother me, either. I think the fact that this is in the middle of a page kind of makes it awkward to read here, but all in all it seems fine. I might be interested in reading the whole thing. Send it my if you'd like more input.
Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
The style didn't work for me, it was pretty disorganized. But the real kicker was probably "our naked bodies bathing in cobwebs and grit." Okay, if there's enough cobwebs and grit for him to notice at a time like that, there's waaay too much.
Of course, that's a content problem. But I think that the coherence issue remains important.
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