posted
This is the first lines of a project I started on the side of my larger works, which I wanted to get some response on, so here goes...
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It was raining agan, cold green and yellow drops that burned the skin and gave of a noxious fume. He didn’t like it, mostly because he could remember rain that had been nothing but water. In those days smog had been the only danger. He missed smog. Things had been simpler then. Stepping out of the Harmon Corp. building, Edwin looked up into the dark sky, shielding his eyes from the burning rain. Fumbling through the pockets of his worn coat, once black but now brown with dirt, he dug out his cigarettes and lit one. Taking a deep drag, he felt the nicotine smoke fill his lungs. Unhealthy and nauseating, yet compared to the filthy air that covered the world these days, it was like fresh mountain air. With that he strode over to the company car waiting for him, with
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 28, 2005).]
posted
For my personal taste, your style is comfortable and not overbearing, which is good.
A quick note: be sure to proofread for grammar and spelling before you post, because those errors are bumps in the road for a reader. "...gave off a noxious fume..." "to cleanse the world of filth..."
I felt myself bored by the over-focus in the first few sentences on the rain and its history.
In your second sentence, just use 'Edwin' instead of 'he'. It will make the character seem real to us sooner.
Personally, I think the story starts with the second paragraph, and you could ditch the first paragraph. Some might see it as establishing the setting, but for me it felt like exposition and an uninteresting action (the cigarette).
posted
I am wondering how the smoke could be fresher then the air. It is the same air with additional particulates from the cigarette. Personally hearing someone talking about how bad the air is and then lighting up, makes me think the person is part of the problem. I took an instant dislike to the character for that reason.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
thanks for the feedback guys... Winship, that you took a dislike for the character was what I was hoping for, as I am not trying to portrait him in the story as likeable, but more like a piece of s#"t.
I don't know about ditching the first paragraph, I know it isn't really necessary, but it sets part of the feel I want to keep in the story. Though, I might try to re-write it and see if I can make it work better.
posted
Having an unlikable character is fine, but having an unlikable MC makes it hard to attract an audience (if he is your MC).
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posted
I'm not sure about the setting here. Given the environmental conditions, I would expect someone to step into a company car in an enclosed car park, not out on the street. But then I'd be willing to wait to see if there was a reason for this anomaly.
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posted
hm... I've been edited...? wonder why...? oh well...
Winship: I know that having an unlikable MC is going to make it hard, but I'm going to try and make him interesting enough so that people will read on anyway. And he isn't going to be through-and-through unlikable, there are going to be some redeeming features with him, but they come later.
Yanos: There are reasons for this, but I'm holding that back until later in the story, because I'm going to use that to explain some sides of the MC.
posted
You were edited because we are only allowed to post the first 13 lines, as if it were in MS Word, Courier 12 font, 1 inch margins. There are two reasons for this. One has to do with publication rights. The other is that an editor is only going to look at the first 13 lines of your manuscript. If he/she is hooked within those 13 lines, he/she will read on. If not, the rest of your work goes unread and unpublished. So we critique the first 13 to help each other with this.
quote:I don't know about ditching the first paragraph, I know it isn't really necessary...
Well, of course, mine is only one person's opinion. However, if you yourself know it isn't really necessary, why include it in your precious first 13 lines? Now that you've been edited, you can see exactly what an editor will look at on a first page. You have to grab him/her/us if you want him/her/us to turn the page. Does this grab sufficiently?
Regarding your response to yanos' question, be wary. If the readers are confused, then they may not stick around until 'later in the story' to find something out. There's a difference between creating mystery and creating confusion. You want the former.
Don't be discouraged. We all face the music when we post our work here. The goal is not to tear you down, but to strengthen your writing. We're all in the same boat.
posted
I know, and I am really gratefull for all the response. I posted the first 13 lines I had written in word, so I just thought it odd. The reason I want to keep the first lines is that it sets a central part of the setting and theme for the story. I'm just not too sure that I manage to do that with those lines, that's why I'm not sure about keeping them. I see what you mean with the difference between confusion and mystery, and I'm trying to think of a way to clear up that which suits the mood of my story.
Posts: 10 | Registered: Oct 2005
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I'm coming in late, as I just joined the forum this weekend, so hopefully you are still interested in comments. Others have pointed out already, there are lots of spelling errors. I am willing to move past spelling so long as I can figure it out (I've fixed them in the quote below, tho')
The first thing that bugged me was that you were referring to the viewpoint character as "he" without naming him. Again, I've done this myself--on purpose--but then you name him. You use "he" too many times by that point. You need to name him early or not at all until you're ready for it to be of dramatic use...and really, it's rare that I see a use for keeping the viewpoint character unnamed. I just have trouble figuring out when/how to name him ;-)
quote: It was raining again, cold green and yellow drops that burned the skin and gave off a noxious fume.
I'd say "scent" instead of fume here--but that's stylistic choice, really.
quote: He didn’t like it, mostly because he could remember rain that had been nothing but water.
nothing more than water would work better.
quote: In those days smog had been the only danger. He missed smog. Things had been simpler then. Stepping out of the Harmon Corp. building, Edwin looked up into the dark sky, shielding his eyes from the burning rain. Fumbling through the pockets of his worn coat, once black but now brown with dirt, he dug out his cigarettes and lit one.
This last sentence just doesn't read smoothly. I wouldn't say it's too long, but the once black but now brown with dirt doesn't add anything to "worn" but restate it, so I'd say kill that phrase and the sentence is fine, still effective to give a mood. If you are really tied to the color or texture of his coat--how it's worn--then maybe have him brush off some dirt that has caked onto the outside of his pocket and is now brown, having dried out.
quote: Taking a deep drag, he felt the nicotine smoke
nicotine and smoke are redundant. I'd hate to encourage extra adjectives but you could say "tar-filled smoke" and better off than "nicotine smoke" as though a cigarette has any other kind. My suggestion would be to go straight to "He felt the smoke..." and kill the rest.
quote: fill his lungs. Unhealthy and nauseating, yet compared to the filthy air that covered the world these days, it was like fresh mountain air. With that he strode over to the company car waiting for him, with
Generally, this is thick with mood but no action. It is the first 13 lines, so that's passable if it's a novel, is it? I have only a vague sense of setting--for instance, *is* this Earth? Or just some other planet we've gone and polluted? :-) We do that, we humans, taking our sickness with us. It's plausible.
I'm okay with the snippet if this is a full-length book, and I'd keep reading, but if this is a short, your pace is too slow. I need a surprise or obstacle sooner than you seem to be bringing me one for a short story.
HTH.
-sry ************************************ Sarah R. Yoffa http://books.sarahryoffa.com/ books@sarahryoffa.com ************************************
[This message has been edited by sry (edited December 11, 2005).]
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