posted
Short Story 1100 words, fantasy, first 13 or new people to read the whole thing.
"How in Hades did you miss?" Liadan regretted her decision to let the new girl take the shot.
"He ducked," Pheziana replied, shrugging, almost cowering.
"He was asleep until your shot slammed into the tree and woke him up."
"I'll get him." Pheziana started cranking the bowstring back on her crossbow.
"Dammit, now he’s running.” Liadan drew a dagger and ran after the job.
If they had pulled it off cleanly, it would have been her last assignment as a journeyman. Why had Jullivl insisted she take his new apprentice along? Knowing her mentor, he wanted to see how she did when faced with ineptitude.
posted
This version reads better than the last one, but there are still a couple of things which don't fit.
The most glaring for me is "the job" but this has mentioned previously so I won't belabor it.
The second sentence crams a lot of verbage together. It might help if the cowering action was expressed as body posturing or something such as: Pheziana shrugged and replied, "He ducked." She could not meet Liana's intense gaze.
The rest sounds good although I stumbled on Jullivl a bit
posted
I forgot I'd read this till halfway thru . . . which means it's like reading for the first time, and is cool.
At the end of the first paragraph, my picture was of 2 girls playing volleyball. (Taking a shot.) I didn't know there were arrows involved until paragraph 4.
How about telling us up front what's happening? Something like
quote:Liadan let her new assassin's assistant, Phezeiana, fire the first quarrel at their target . . . and she missed.
"How in Hades did you miss?" ...
Now we can go on with the narrative, without wondering what's going on.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited December 02, 2005).]
posted
I too, thought this draft a big improvement from the last. I was drawn in, which I was not the last time around.
I had trouble with “now he is running”…why had he not started running right away?
Also the image of Phizana shrugging struck me as an action of not caring/indifference to the fact that she had missed ( is Phizana a petulant teenager?) so that image clashed with the image of her cowering. But that may be the result of a narrow interpretation of “shrug” on my part.
I’ll give this a read, if you are willing to have someone without much experience critiquing give it a try.
posted
I too had a hard time visualizing the first sentence as you intend it to be seen. If you want the reader to be drawn in quickly, I do think it would be better to state right away if the shot was taken with a bow or a gun or whatever. I think you know in your head what the time period is and are relying on the use of the name Hades to clue in the reader, but we need more. Also, I think the reason the word "job" is bothering other readers is that it sounds out of historical context, too modern at a point in the story when the reader is still unclear as to where or when the story is taking place.
Posts: 397 | Registered: Mar 2004
| IP: Logged |
Since I've read the whole thing, I can't comment very objectively. So, I'll just make a few comments.
Even with this improved beginning, I still have to agree with a suggestion that was made on your last posted version: start with a line of non-dialog prior to the first line. Opening with that first line of dialog still feels awkward to me because we don't know who 'you' is, nor do we know why the 'you' messed up. Maybe in that first sentence you could just swap the dialog with the "Liadan regretted..."
I agree with duv2 about the running. To me it felt a little like exposition, because in that situation, she would probably just say, "Dammit!" and take off after him.
The last paragraph is much improved since the last version. It is much clearer who each person is (to me, anyway, but I'm tainted since I've read it). I like how you gave J's name right up front, slipped in his relationship with her, and his possible motivation for sending P.
If I weren't in the throes of the end of the semester, I'd offer to read again.
posted
I'll read. Send to buce "at" charter.net. Mention Hatrack in the subject title so I don't toss it out as spam.
Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
My comments from the first version still stand. I think beginning with dialog is ineffective as a hook.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
