The drugs may of have been virtual, Ed thought, but the hangover was sure enough real. He peeled his sweaty face off the sofa, raked a palm over his throbbing head, and surveyed his surroundings. The seemingly infinite space of last night’s buzz had abruptly contracted to the point of implosion, resulting in one almighty big bang of a come-down. To his great dismay, the ensuing universe had taken form once again within the oppressive dimensions of his compartment…
The compartment was three metres on a side and empty save for the gaudy green sofa he sat on. The walls were unadorned except for disparate layers of peeling white paint and the tiny black disc of a wireless network port. There was no door, only a window and a delivery hatch. Sunlight apparently

That's how I felt during your first paragraph with all the size-related descriptors. My brain has stretch marks now.

That said, the premise of the virtual drugs with a real hangover is interesting, and I would read on.

"The compartment was three metres on a side..."

Is that a colloquialism? If so, I'm not familiar with it. I kept thinking, "on a side of what?" The best I could come up with was that it was three metres from the side of the gaudy couch to the wall, but I don't think that's what you meant.

"Ed Thought" .... Use is name as the first word in the next sentence.

"And surveyed his surroundings" ....Once you start describing the surroundings, we will assume it is Ed's PoV

"Three metres on a side" Exact measurements rarely are necessary. "Barely big enough for the couch he sat on," is more colorful.

"apparently." We get that its apparent. Unless the sunlight filtering through the grubby linen is an illusion, we don't need to see it as apparent.

As soon as you say there is no door, I am wondering how he got in there.

If this is all that you are trying to convey, you don't need a pragraph to do it. I ended up skimming this piece when you got into the minutiae of his situation.

quote:

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He peeled his sweaty face off the sofa

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Ew. The visual image I had of this was not pretty.

You might want to rephrase, something along the lines of: He lifted his face off the sofa, noting his sweat had left a damp mark on the fabric.

Thanks for all your feedback, found it very useful indeed.

I see what you mean about all the size related stuff, could of probably found a way of relaying the lack of space with less words...as for 'the compartment was three metres on a side, I forgot to mention the space was square, not sure if this a colloquilism...think I'll drop that anyhow to avoid confusion. Basically all the points raised here seem to point to the fact that my writing is too wordy with extraneous detail...definitely gonna put it on a diet.

I am one who feels that writing should be what you "the writer" connects with. Looking at your work I see two avenues to consider for the story. Using art as an illustration; you have the option of painting a series of “sketches”, effectively moving your character from point a-to-b; or, you use a lot of flowery and descriptive words, ensuring that each one adds something to the “picture” you’re painting.

Sketches are much easier for us new writers to compose. They have fewer words dedicated to each scene for the reader and move at a much quicker tempo through a story. The other style of writing is a difficult art form, and can take years to master using lots of descriptive and flowery words to say something. As new writers trying to paint the descriptive picture, we typically end up with a jumbled Picasso when what we’re trying to paint is a crystal clear Rembrandt.

Tolkien was very good at flowery description, but likening his work to a painting, he applied each brush stroke at its proper place; making sure that his strokes didn’t overlap and that it was in exactly the right position on the canvas. All the strokes at both the micro and the macro fit together.

It’s ok to ”peel his face off the couch” as long as the picture you have painted needs that detail within the painting to complete your picture. It has to have a reason why that’s pertinent to the story. Granted, in 13 lines it’s pretty difficult to paint anything but a sketch, however, if your whole painting is only of a junky “locked in the room of his mind” or something, that perception of literally scrapping his face off the couch every day suddenly plays a part.

This can be applied to everything you have written, so I hope in some way it helps.

One other suggestion, read aloud your 13 lines before you post them. You will catch many things that don’t feel right in tempo as well as syntax and grammar.

what i took from this paragraph is that the lack of the door was not the most significant detail. this was his normal living situation. there was no element of surprise of lack of familiarity with things, so i guessed this was something the man was used to. the compartment, the network hub, the delivery hatch, are all scene setting elements for what i assumed was a SF piece. ending with letting us know the cell has no door raises an eyebrow and moves my interest along.

I like the disorienting beginning, it's entirely right in its lurching tone, using the style of writing to convey the interior state of Ed's mind. I'd be hooked, and read on out of curiosity, to find out wht's going on. Except that, as an editor, I would have notivced one huge no-no in the first sentence. No-one seems to have remarked on it (rather to my surprise), but it's something that I see quite often and which makes me cringe, big-style.

"The drugs may of been virtual..." NO!

The drugs may HAVE been virtual. Yes, many people pronounce the "have" as "of", but when writing, not speaking, it's HAVE, HAVE, HAVE, every time!