posted
i have close to 40 pages of a non-genre, contemporary novel. i've been working on it for just under a month and have some scenes i very much like, but nothing connecting them yet. this is not the beginning (don't really have one), but it is a beginning. specifically, it's the beginning of one of those scenes. i'd like full feedback, and volunteers to read more if your initial critiques intrigue me. it's exactly 13 lines of 12 point Courier with normal margins. hope there's no non-me edits!
Andrew
There’s condensation on my hand. I let go of the pint glass and look down at my palm. The wetness has made it shiny; catching the light as I rotate it back and forth. The skin looks like it’s covered in teflon or cellophane. The lights from the neons around the bar reflect off the shine like streetlights off a gas spill. For a moment, I can’t look away. I wipe my hand down the side of my jeans, likely not doing much for the cleanliness of either and make an effort to look around the room. It’s slow here. Usually you can count on a Saturday to bring in some of the school kids from the local colleges but it seems to be mostly townies tonite. Townies like us; getting drunk and wondering where the college kids are.
[This message has been edited by AbbeyRoadWriter (edited November 29, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by AbbeyRoadWriter (edited November 29, 2005).]
posted
Well, I don't see much wrong in the writing per se, but it really isn't a very interesting scene. Is this advancing the plot somehow or just showing the setting? The one bit of writing that seemed awkward is "make an effort to look around the room" -- it seems this could be worded more smoothly, maybe something like "surveyed the stained booths for signs of life" or some such. Picky, but making an effort to look around seems a stretch. If this really is the opening it needs a hook and more character introduction. All that's shown here is some nameless guy in a bar.
Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
One of the questions we ask while reading the first 13 lines is: does this make me want to turn the page and learn more?
So far, the answer is: no.
I am mildly intrigued. IS there some sort of substance like cellophane on the POV character's hand? If so, what does it imply? But you have given us only a little narrative description, without pulling us into the story via action or dialog.
Start with the moment something happens. Does the POV character see something or someone that is going to be significant in some way? Don't get bogged down in description. Give us something to make us sit up and become intrigued.
posted
I like it, but I'm weird so... Is the character male or female, seemed to have a kind of female quality within the confines of my skull, but I was just wondering? cya, Sam
Posts: 19 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
The first part of the paragraph is a turn-off. The description bores me, as it seems to be boring your MC as well. (Or more likely, your MC is so bored s/he finds condensation interesting.)
That said, I never stop reading because of the first couple sentences. I got more drawn in starting with "Usually..." Why no college kids? What size town is this, that the townies don't make up enough of the population to have a good time (or at least fill a bar) on their own? What would the MC like to be doing right now? Pick up chicks/guys? Does s/he sell drugs? Just looking for an all-around good time? Clearly s/he isn't looking for anyone in particular.
You could leave it as is, but I highly recommend putting the stuff after "Usually..." at the beginning. Then you can let him/her get distracted by the condensation--at least then we know why it's so distracting (because there's nothing else going on).
Also, I'm guessing the MC is male because of the description of the dirty jeans and the MC's gas spill analogy--sounds like he might be a mechanic. If I'm wrong, you need to let us know straight away it's a girl, or you are going to have some confused readers on your hands.
posted
I find present tense fiction creepy. I always feel uneasy while reading it. It's better than second person, though.
Posts: 24 | Registered: Nov 2005
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I'm glad someone else said it first, I really really don't like first person, esp. the tense which ...geez, I can't even figure out what to call it. What is it?
The first question to ask when I see first person is Why? Why does it have to be in the first person? I know this is only a snippet and not the beginning of the story so, unlike most reactions to date, I'm willing to forego being bored by some gender-neutral person--if it is a PERSON--sitting in a bar being bored. Also unlike everyone else thus far, I jumped to the unnatural conclusion that the reason this character thinks it's odd there's condensation on "its" hand is that there must be some understanding previously-established that condensation would not have transferred itself from a mug to its hand--unless something were wrong. So what's wrong?
Tell me what's wrong--why there is condensation where there shouldn't be--and I'll be hooked and maybe even enjoy looking through the MC's eyes at the relatively generic bar. I'm also not convinced there's nothing going on in the bar or why is this character looking around.
I don't give up as easily as the prior posters, I guess. I'm just more bothered by the voice than the lack of (major) action. And there is some action, in the very first words:
quote: There’s condensation on my hand. I let go of the pint glass and look down at my palm.
Immediately, I'm under the impression there should NOT be condensation on this hand.
If you feel like posting another 13 from earlier in the story, please do but choose 13 that give us some sense of the MC.
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