posted
Shadow elementals… the words seethed through The Emperor’s mind like wildfire. He knew that the Shadows where defeated a long time ago, so why do I worry about them? It must be that fool, Dur An. That boy has been clogging up Karborac trade routes for long enough... “Captain Ikol. Take your men and make a sweep of the forest. Find the rebel and bring him to me.” Soon, the Emperor thought, soon, you will be in my grasp, boy…
“Another trade caravan, Dor.” The rebel group of Dur An was around the campfire when the scout, a wind Elemental called Falc On, came into camp and reported. The group was made completely of Elementals, so there was no need for large numbers. "vulcan, feed that fire." Vulcan rejuvenated the fire with a muttering of "blaze."
[This message has been edited by dreadlord (edited December 07, 2005).]
Emperor is fine being capitalised, but I don't see the need to capitalise the The as well.
I don't like the switch of pronouns in the second sentence - starts with He, then glides into I. You can do that, but I don't think you should do it in one sentence: "He knew that the Shadows were (not where!) defeated a long time ago. So why do I worry about them?"
"Soon, the Emperor thought, soon, you will be in my grasp..." kind of reads like a villain from a Victorian melodrama, twirling his moustache.
The second paragraph feels clumsy. It's telling me stuff right up front that I'm not sure I need to know this way. Just tell me the scout comes back into camp, but describe it in a way that lives - as it stands, I don't know whether Falc On walks, flies, or even has any material form whatsoever. Show, don't tell. Let me see Flac On arrive, let me realise that these rebels are all Elementals by their actions.
posted
"He knew that the Shadows where defeated a long time ago, so why do I worry about them?"
You start this sentence in a third person limited, then you jump to his thoughts and it sounds like first person, this to me just 'feels' wrong. I don't know a whole lot, or if there is a rule or somthing which prohibits this, but Im just saying that it doesn't feel smooth, it makes me stumble almost. Oh also, it should be 'were' instead of 'where'.
Other than that, I think you have a ton of really cool ideas, but unfortunately I can't care about them all at once right out of the starting gate, if this were the beginning of a book, I would cringe and put it back. Its overload for me, too much that is unfamiliar all at once, and not enough that I can recognize and latch onto with any interest. Its almost all exposition, right there in the first two paragraphs your trying to set up the entire world you have imagined, and Im just not interested. You've got to lure me on, with a little here and there, not dump the full load right up front.
Anyway, I really think you have a lot of good ideas, some of which I would be interested to learn more about, if they were presented just a little bit slower and... well you get the point, I hope this helps you
posted
I had to read this three times before I thought “ya I would keep reading, this might be interesting”, I guess I am a little slow.
There are a couple of things that I stumbled over or had questions about….
Seethed….like wildfire? Not sure what this means? Can a fire seethe?
“He knew that” at the start of the second sentence ads nothing to the story; Is it your intention to slow the story down? Did you intend to use “the Shadows” in the second sentence, or do you mean “the Shadow”?
If Dur An had been a problem, why has the Emperor not “swept the forest” before? If he has, why does he think if he does it now it will work?
…was around the campfire….do you mean “surrounded” or “milled around”; “the group was around the fire?” sounds to my ear like you are talking about a pile of stones or other objects.
Who told Vulcan to feed the fire?
I agree with tchernabyelo, I want to see what’s happening not be told what is happening.
Ill be interested to see what you do with this story.
posted
I had the same thought about the elementals. Telling me they're elementals gives me a few visuals to pull from, as a long-time reader of fantasy novels. However, I'd rather have some clue what you have in mind for them to be. Otherwise, I'll be confused later.
Ditto on the first-to-third person changing there, but I think a period is all that's needed to change it.
I am always wary of capitalizing words that don't need to be. I think Emperor can be caps, but not The Emperor. This may be how he demands things to be done, but for me it makes the read a little awkward. My advise is to drop the capital T.
posted
I'm a bit confused about what exactly is happening. If the first paragraph and second paragraph are about two different groups of people (the Emperor's group and the rebel group), then the transition is very fast, and was a bit jarring for me. I expected the second paragraph to explain more about the Emperor or what was going on from his point of view, but I'm looking at a rebel camp.
It's not clear to me whether these two paragraphs are about people on the same side or on opposite sides. There's nothing to latch on to, no one to really see. I was all set to follow the Emperor's thoughts, then it seems like we left him.
posted
the elementals are humans who can use elements to their advantage. (much like the benders in avatar) their are six main elements and a few lesser elements. the six main ones are: air, water, fire, earth, light, and darkness. by combining water and air, you can control snow, ice, and variations of water. stuff like that. the people are on different sides, and so the Emporer has vowed to capture Dur An at all costs. the Emporer has tried to sweep the forest before, but could not get His soldiers to go near the woods, so he adopted the policy of King Herod: fear your comander more than you fear the bullets of the enemy.
when i mean seethed like wildfire, i mean spread rapidly. have you ever been angry and held a grudge long enough that soon you cant think of anything else? that is what is happening to the emporer. soon, the emporer will post rewards for the capture of anyone in dur an's group, about ten thousand dranks. ( the equivelent of five thousand dollars.) the capture of Dor An himself is worth a dukedom, and over ten million dranks. (do the math. i was never good with numbers.)
about the second sentence. yes, i meant to use "the shadows". that includes the destruction of all "corrupt" elements. mainly= all the lesser elementals and the shadow elementals. what they fail to realize is that when a shadow elemental dies, then his strength is distributed among the remaining elementals of that type. so, since their is one remaining shadow elemental, Dor An, that elemental can blanket the world in darkness at his command, which is what the light elementals feared. the irony is that the light elementals created their worst nightmare. ( yes, the emporer is a light elemental.)
looking back, i see a problem you probably missed: "a long time ago" that tells, not shows. what i probably should have said was: "in his fathers time", or "generations ago". cannot change now 'cause i got work to do.
posted
dreadlord, looks like you're already working on rewriting but I'll add my 2 cents. You may or may not want my 2 cents--I do not usually read fantasy because I dislike the one thing you do here, and do badly. Someone else touched on it peripherally.
The general tone puts the image in my mind of The Evil Villian (not only curling his moustache) but sweeping his cape up on one arm and laughing at me. I find it insulting to my intelligence. This may just be my distaste for fantasy. I know it's the general tenor of fantasy today, but fantasy readers are no less intelligent than any other readers. Some are going to be as put off by the melodrama in the mood as I.
As for the "too much information too fast" that someone else commented on, I'd agree, but I also assume it is just that I'm unaccustomed to orienting myself in fantasy, where "anything goes." I read and write SF, where at least I know the Laws of the Universe and where they stop (or have been established in the last 100 or so years by authors of note). In comparison to other fantasy I've read recently (in other online communities), I'd say this is no worse for the speed of the infostream but definitely, too many concepts AND names to track in 13 lines. Either use names and show me who / what they are, OR give me the substance and hold off on the names. I felt overwhelmed by the players more than the Elements. Maybe overwhelmed isn't the right word, I felt ... not involved with any ONE character and assumed it was because there were too many.
Perhaps you need a stronger sense of MC before you introduce others in sharp detail?
I was not hooked and the melodramatic mood would definitely have prevented me from turning the page.
Sorry.
-sry p.s. There is one fantasy story I've read recently--poorly written at that--which I loved and LOL at and wished was more than a short, so maybe there's hope for me and fantasy. Done with good comedy anyway ;)
posted
you sound just like my little brother. never read fantasy unless its funny. right now hes got me working on a standard "super-hero" novel filled with gaggs and poorly written puns. maybe if i posted that one you would see just how you can make fantasy funny. Posts: 240 | Registered: Oct 2005
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their are six main elements and a few lesser elements. the six main ones are: air, water, fire, earth, light, and darkness. by combining water and air, you can control snow, ice, and variations of water. stuff like that.
