posted
I switched the sound on, typed in my password and thought, "This is it. This is my morning of glory, my chance to prove myself to /them/." In, and out. In, and out. I relaxed my breathing and mentally prepared myself for the upcoming event, rubbing the silver necklace that was given to me by my mother. I slipped on my virtual reality visor; and my character, Tsukiko, came into focus. Her slender figure stood, and began to walk towards the door towering over the other objects in the room. The bright light of outside came into view, although there were a few clouds out in the sky. Her small sandals crunched in the snow. "Uh-oh," she thought. "my HP level is dropping. I'd better buy some new boots soon, before I get started." Tsukiko picked up the pace, trying to get to the clothing store as fast as she could. Skreek. The door opened slowly, and she sensed the warmth of the fire immediately. "Look at all the pink," she thought out loud. Walking to the shoes section, she pondered whether or not to get pink. It was either black or pink. Black. It was nice change from her pink outfits, but it would still compliment them nicely. Appearance was important, to her at least. She sheathed the large sword so that the other players would know she wasn't a threat, and so she could see how the boots matched her outfit. Yep. It looked nice. No. It looked great. Tsukiko's player grinned. Perfect.
(This is all I've got so far...I decided to add the rest on that I have so far. Our teacher at school wanted us to do the setting paragraph first, then character introduction, so this is basically how everything is going to be put in order. I'm working on character development currently. ^-^ I dunno if this is good quality, I'm in Gr. 8. "/"s on a word indicate emphasis.)
[This message has been edited by x__sockeh__x (edited December 30, 2005).]
Your beginning is better than I would have expected for a homework assignment, but I'm not sure anyone here is interested in helping eighth grade students with their homework.
If anyone is, I think they'd rather wait until you have more of it written.
posted
Trouble is, you have to do it the teacher's way, and she said "setting first": I don't agree. I think you've done a great job so far within the constraints of the assignment.
But there is something else you need (if you can do it w/o violating instructions): you need to tell us immediately what's going on, what the mission of glory is.
posted
Matt, while this forum is for those 18 and older, if someone who is younger is willing to behave themselves (so we can't tell that they are younger than 18 by their behavior), we are willing to more or less "turn a blind eye" to the age question.
Anyone here who does not want to interact with someone who is under 18 is not expected to, which is why I made the comment I did at the beginning.
This forum is open for people of any age to read, and if they learn from what they read, all the better.
Those who expect to give and receive feedback need to behave as if they are adults, whether they are, in fact, over 18 or not. (Age is no guarantee of maturity, after all.)
posted
Thanks for the comments, everyone. ^-^ I tried to incorporate some of it, and my grandma's advice (she's an author). And, Kathleen, I'd just like to let you know that I'm looking for help as any other person here would be. Not as a little kid who needs help with her homework. An individual who would like some constructive criticism on her writing.
[This message has been edited by x__sockeh__x (edited December 16, 2005).]
posted
There is there a virtual character and/or a game player named Tsukiko. Is it both or just one? this seems clear at first but becomes unclear when the statement "Tsukiko's player grinned" occurs.
Posts: 245 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
Aww, I first started haunting this place in 8th grade. Memories.
Definitely let us know up front what's at stake. Why else would we care if Tsukiko has the proper footwear? Also, one comment on phrasing: I found "she sensed the warmth of the fire; however, the fact that it was a game restrained her feeling it" awkward. I don't know what she could experience and what she couldn't. Re-word?
Other than that, good work establishing setting and really giving us the feel for a day in the life of an RPG. Are there random encounters in this game? Perhaps you can build some immediate tension by having her worry about battles while on the way to get new shoes? Maybe she's also got a counter, and she'll Freeze to Death if it reaches zero? I dunno--just trying to spice it up.
As far as the assignment goes, however, I don't think you have anything to worry about.
posted
"There is there a virtual character and/or a game player named Tsukiko. Is it both or just one? this seems clear at first but becomes unclear when the statement "Tsukiko's player grinned" occurs."
The virtual character's name is Tsukiko. She is controlled by an unnamed person, who I write as. When I said that Tsukiko's player grinned, I was referring to the person controlling her. When I'm writing with I, I'm referring to the one controlling Tsukiko. When I'm using she, I'm referring to Tsukiko, the virtual reality character. Hope this makes it a bit clearer.
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