posted
Two people followed me, clad in hooded cloaks. Even with the hundreds of torches that lined Lythwin’s streets, I could not see their faces, not with such large hoods casting them in shadow. The cloaks were tight, however, and I could make out the form of each. One was a man, and the other a woman. The three of us were the only travelers on Eld Lane, though that number was triple the usual nightly crowd. I was immediately suspicious of the other two, and so I quickened my pace, just enough to see if they were following me.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Contradictory. You start out with your main character saying that he's being followed, and then at the end he's not sure anymore, and quickens his pace just to find out.
I don't know enough about the MC, I believe, to care that he is being followed. Either focus more on him, or on the setting, which is a little bland currently (what are the streets like? what is he doing here?). It would help make the story stand out more.
posted
I would like to know who MC is, where he is, and why being followed seems plausible to him (or that it doesn't).
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Thanks for your suggestions. I've rewritten the introduction, as follows. Just a little info about the project: It's a short story that I've completed the first draft of and revised once. I'll be glad to send the complete draft to anyone who wants to help more. The story itself is a fantasy piece about an anti-hero ex-assassin fighting one of the many evil forces that plague his home city.
~~~
At night, Lythwin was my city; its streets were mine to walk, and mine to control. Anything that opposed this soon found itself dead, or worse, disabled. This night I saw two people behind me, clad in hooded cloaks. They appeared more humanoid than my normal fare; perhaps they were new in town, or had reason to be out at night. If that were the case, I would leave them alone. If not, they would suffer. It bothered me that I couldn’t see their faces in the shadow of their hoods, even with the flickering firelight of the torches lining Eld Lane.
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"Anything that opposed this soon found itself dead, or worse, disabled."
It sounds weird putting dead first. I think it would be worse to be dead. If you're disabled, at least you can still think, possibly talk, there's still a chance to be happy. If you're dead it's all over. Besides, if you put dead first, and then say "or worse," the reader gets all excited. There's something worse? But then you say disabled and it just seems like a bit of a let-down. I mean, don't get me wrong, there are disabilities that would be worse than death, but when I see the word disability I think leg paralysis, or something along those lines. I'd rather lose the use of my legs than die.
posted
I agree with Fae-ray - expand a little on the disability thing. I can understand how the disability dealt by the main character could be worse than death, but that's only a guess. I don't know it for a fact. Otherwise, very good. You get a lot of the main character's mindset - very arrogant. Cool. Send me the ms.
Posts: 77 | Registered: Jul 2005
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