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Dr. Mir was late. He couldn’t remember the last time he was late before and of all the times to be late this was the worse. Today was the day – the day – and Zurich chose it of all days to talk about his research. Talk indeed! The man was blind. How he became head of the symposium, Mir did not know. What he did know was that if he didn’t get to the lab soon the sweat of three long weeks would be wasted in the space of a thirty-minute lecture on the dangers of pseudo-science.
The rail leading to the lab was lit with heat strips, but even so, Mir could tell that the University was far in the distance. The cold water surrounding the rail tunnel was a cold dark blue making vision ever more difficult. If it weren’t for the bright white heat lamp at the front of the train,

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Ok, so here are the first 13 lines according to Word. The last idea in it is kind of cut off,about why the university didn't build more labs. This story is pretty much setting based, meaning that setting plays a big part of what makes each society in it behave the way it does. In this first part, Dr. Mir lives in a civilization that's developed in the trenches of planetwide ocean (Think waterworld only not as corny). And the main feature I've thought up is that since there's not much light down there, they'd have to figure out some other way to see. Thus, their eyes are adapted to see heat instead of light. I do more later on to try to clarify this, but I wasn't sure how much of the setting was discernable or not. Thanks for any comments.

Your 13th line is this:
dark blue making vision ever more difficult. If it weren’t for

OK, with that resolved, I'll comment on the writing. My reaction is one of total confusion. I gather there is a scientist who has to get to some lecture to stave off someone mis-representing his research, and there is some sort of transportation device that somehow uses heat to get from here to there, and somehow cold water is involved.

But none of it has been expressed with enough clarity for me to follow along, or to care. In short, the confusion unravels any possibility of a hook.

Sort through your text. Get rid of the extraneous detail that is irrelevant to the plot. I realize you are trying to establish a setting, most likely a sci-fi futuristic one. But you have bogged yourself down in describing it, and derailed the forward momentum of the plot as the reader tries in vain to mentally figure out what you are talking about.

Milieu detail should be used like a strong spice. Sprinkle it into your text, but don't overpower us with it. Stir it in so it's distributed evenly throughout and not given to us in undigestible clumps. And don't overwhelm us in the first 13 with anything that doesn't directly set the tone of the story.

Dr. Mir was late [FOR WHAT?]. [WHERE ARE WE? IS MIR ALONE? HOW CLOSE IS HE TO HIS DESTINATION?] He couldn’t remember the last time he was late before and of all the times to be late this was the worse[YOU MEAN "WORST"]. Today was the day – the day – and Zurich chose it of all days to talk about his research [WHOSE--MIR'S, OR ZURICH'S? WHY DOES MIR CARE?]. Talk indeed! [HUH?] The man was blind. [LITERALLY, OR FIGURATIVELY?] How he became head of the symposium, Mir did not know. [WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH BLINDNESS?] What he did know was that if he didn’t get to the lab soon the sweat of three long weeks would be wasted in the space of a thirty-minute lecture on the dangers of pseudo-science. [WHY WOULD IT BE WASTED? I THOUGHT THE TOPIC WAS SOMEONE'S RESEARCH---IS SOMEONE RESEARCHING PSUEDO-SCIENCE?]

The rail leading to the lab was lit with heat strips, but even so, Mir could tell that the University was far in the distance. [WHAT DOES THE LIGHTING OF THE RAIL HAVE TO DO WITH WHAT'S VISIBLE FAR AWAY?] ...

OK, now I'll read the commentary. I had absolutely no idea that these people saw differently from us.

quote:

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Nothing extraneous, but the bare minimum we need to understand the story.

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For example, I really wanted to know what was so urgent that Dr. Mir needed to return to his lab within thirty minutes. I'd say that's probably your hook. It's a good one (in my estimation, at least), so it might be a good idea to build the tension some more. For example, if Dr. Mir is really in a hurry, I doubt his mind will be occupied with the technical details of the rail and heat strips. Elan is right; details of the setting are encroaching on the actual story you're trying to tell. You can buy more tension for your first thirteen by pushing some of those details later into the story.

As a reader, I didn't understand, until a second reading, that the first paragraph describes events that have already happened. (Correct me if I'm wrong here... actually, it might be a good idea to clarify it in the first thirteen lines, and then repost.) If Dr. Mir is in the train now, thinking back to previous events, then it should be, "...and Zurich had chosen it of all days...". I think this is the one spot that threw me off. Also, "How be became..." would be "How he had become...", etc.

On more of a micro scale, you might want to throw a few commas into some of the longer sentences. The second sentence, for example, is a good candidate for this. Visit a few web sites to brush up on comma usage. Divide the longer sentences into more manageable chunks for easy reader digestion.

Don't let all this stuff get you down. It seems like a lot of stuff to work through just for thirteen lines, but it will make a big difference.

The first sentence is a great starter. Combined with the urgency of getting back to the lab, plus the mystery to the reader about WHY he wants to get back, I think you have the potential for a great hook here. Definitely worth reworking.

What is the relationship between Dr. Mir and Zurich? It confuses me. Why can't Dr. Mir just walk out? Is Zurich his boss, or someone with a higher power over him?
I agree that "Talk indeed!" is confusing, it makes it seem like Dr. Mir has something against the disabled or the blind.

"The rail leading to the lab was lit with heat strips, but even so, Mir could tell that the University was far in the distance."
You make this seem as if the heat strips would make it harder to see the University, yet you say that they see with heat, not light. If I'm correct, then how do the heat strips disable Mir's sight?

Anyway, I've made a few changes to the beginning already, and I'll certainly take a look at the things you pointed out. Again, my main frustration at this point is that the setting is so influential in the story I have in mind. It is what shapes a lot of what the characters do and how they view things, so I want to make it clear what the setting is. Again though, I certainly see where you're coming from when you say that the setting is overpowering the first thirteen lines.