posted
Swish, swish. The waters swirled around the bottom of my rowboat as I paddled toward the island in the distance. I could faintly see it now, just a small dot. After weeks of my journey, I would soon be there. Just a few more hours. I, Srituh Valagard, would discover why Raiiv had halted all contact with my country. Not long now. My head drooped on my shoulder, and I let the wind take me the rest of the way to the shores of Raiiv. I was unsure what time of day it was now, but as I glanced up at the glaring sun, I decided it was about mid-afternoon. I was sitting in my rowboat, floating needlessly in the shallow water, occasionally bumping into a large rock. That was what had woke me, I guessed.
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Okay, that's that. This is the previous story I posted..but rewritten. I started at a different place, hopefully this is better. I guess that as a reader you don't really learn much in the 13 lines, but more gets revealed throughout the story. Any comments/constructive criticism is welcome. Thanks in advance! --Brittany
I'm not sure you're starting in the right place. Nothing's happening (I think). Using OSC's MICE model (milieu, idea, character, event)...what type of story is it? This may tell you where to start.
I like this way better than your original. It's grounded in time and place and character.
Suggest you move "Just a few more hours. I, Srituh Valagard, would discover why Raiiv had halted all contact with my country" to be the first line. Until I read it, I don't know why I should care about the water swirling around the rowboat.
posted
Not sure what I think of "Swish, swish" as the first sentence. Didn't really do anything for me. I second wbriggs' idea: start your opening scene with a sentence or two that deliver the character's most dominant emotion squarely to the reader.
It was hard for me to detect that he had fallen asleep between paragraphs one and two. Suggest perhaps starting paragraph two with a clear indication that he had fallen asleep and is just waking up. Work the discontinuity into the narrative.
You got the idea across of the character being really tired. Despite all that, he's definitely driven by his curiosity or the urgency of the situation. This is great. I'm wondering what's so important about Raiiv - an indication of a good hook you can build on.
posted
Thanks for the advice. =) I moved the part that you guys said should be at the start, I agree that the water doesn't really matter to the story. =)
Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005
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For some reason, I want to read this in the third person. It seems we have a bit of a mystery going on, and it might be easier to preserve that mystery if we're not in the characer's head right from the start. It could still come from Srituh's viewpoint, though. Just a thought.
THe second paragraph should be reworked. Put it in the active voice. Also, the way it reads, it carries the impression the character wakes up AFTER glancing at the sky.
To wit: "A jolt brought up my head. Not only had I drifted off, my boat had drifted into a large rock and now floated needlessly in the shallows. Unsure of the time, I looked up at the glaring sun and decided it was about mid-afternoon."
You get the idea.
Pardon the pun, but there is a nice hook floating in there somewhere.
[This message has been edited by krazykiter (edited January 02, 2006).]
I have a problem with that line in particular. This character sounds like he's on a mission, right? So when you say needlessly it makes me think that he's not really doing anything of importance, that he has no purpose. Maybe you could change it to say something like "My boat floated in the water, providing no help to my current mission." I mean, that line sounds stupid, but something like that would help, I think.
posted
"Aimlessly" would be a good substitute for "needlessly," and one that may carry the intention a little better. Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Thanks for all the advice, guys. =) I'd just like to announce that I finished the story. It's somewhere between 5000 and 6000 words now, 15 pages long. I think I'm going to do 3 sections. The one I posted, one from a Raiizen under the power of the Head Office's POV, and one from a Raiizen under the power of The Leaders.
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