posted
Halum Deluckim was a headstrong cleaner who had been raised an orphan (more politely categorized as a communida). After refusing to be limited to the world of the church run communas - villages where orphans and children of the clergy were all raised on church doctrine - the Isolation had implemented centuries ago, he daringly decided to take it up with his supervisor, Lady Bissa.
The communidas were raised in Church run communas by other former communidas and generally bred into humble clergy themselves. As a result, the rich were kept rich, the poor poor, the currency kept its value and just about everyone was happy - it was a pretty neat system - those that weren’t happy were expected to leave, and Halum knew it.
[This message has been edited by rustafarianblackpolarbear (edited December 30, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 30, 2005).]
posted
I don't think the second paragraph belongs there. It's background information which can be given later in the story. The third paragraph should be the second.
As is, what you've written so far doesn't jump out and grab me and make me want to read on. You could focus more on why it would be unusual for someone to want to work outside of a communa or the conflict between Halum and Lady Bissa.
posted
This is very interesting. It makes me wonder if it is based on something real in the world or entirely made up.
I think the parts where you explain what a communida is are a bit confusing. I also don't think that paranthesis work very well. Maybe instead of telling us about your mc and the communida, you could show us. Maybe start with him being there and maybe he hears a conversation about how they are trying to keep the poor poor or something like that. Or start with him and the supervisor. Or if something exciting is about to happen...start there. You can fill in the background about the communas and other things sometime later.
posted
This is pretty tough to wade through for an opening. There are a lot of new ideas and new terms thrown out which made me read everything twice. Maybe starting out with a discussion between Halum and Lady Bissa would be better, that way you can have some dialogue and clue us into the background without beating the reader over the head.
I'm sure you have a lot of information to present but this beginning is a too much information and no characterization, just introduction of character names.
posted
I realised after reading your posts, that I've written this for myself more than for the reader. A problem for me as a writer, though, is that I can't bring myself to write action and make sense before I've given some background information.
So I've changed it a little, its still about the same word count as before (692 words) and I need someone to read it all for critique. I'm pretty sure this is going to be the first half of a prologue, but maybe not.
Halum Duluckim had never believed in responsibility because he had just never needed to. Growing up, he had everything taken care of for him: all he had to do was listen, learn and show that he understood. And half the time he couldn’t even do that. He was just a pawn for their games, he’d decided, one after another as they modeled him to fit their ideal role for him. When he was sixteen he had to take the Test of Faith to see if he could become a clergyman--the only responsibility ever granted to those of orphan birth. He had deliberately failed so he couldn’t hold himself accountable later for molding young orphans like he’d programmed his hobby-bots. And here he was, five years later, a miserable cleaner because of it.
Well by that I just meant from his perspective. I guess I didn't portray that that was just how he'd seen growing up. I don't know how to show that in this particular case unfortunatly. Anyone got any suggestions?
About it being clearer, I've asked the people I know here about this story and they seem to think it's alright. But I'm really quite an amateur and there's just something about this opening that doesn't feel right. Oh well, thanks for the critique.
posted
Maybe, you could say that he wasn't allowed to have responsibility and take care of things himself or something like that. With the other sentences, it makes sense, but it just stopped me for a moment because I had to stop and rethink about who the character was. (but it could just be my way of thinking)
You said that the opening just doesn't feel right. I had a similar problem recently. I had an entire first chapter that people liked but it just didn't have what I wanted. I just tried fiddling with it. (trying it starting from a different point in time, in a different setting, starting it with a dialog ect.) Most of what I tried was actually a step towards worse, but eventually I got something that I like better. I'd recommend just trying and see what you get. (in the end you might find you like this version better, but then you'll have the reassurance that it was the best.)
posted
OSC speaks of ways that authors tell the reader what to feel. (As a mistake, that is. We'll really admire a character if we see him doing admirable things; it doesn't work for the author to tell us to find him admirable.)
I think you're doing that here. Your MC "daringly" does something. Let us see the risk, and we can find him daring. He doesn't want to be limited to these monastery things. I don't know the religion in your world, but I'd bet plenty of your alternate-world monastics would say they find freedom, room to soar, and other high-minded things, in the monastic life. They won't find it limiting. Let us see the details of that life, and then we'll understand how he feels about it.
I also suspect ( ) that you really dislike these monastics. They somehow enrich the rich and impoverish the poor. (That's when you lost me in terms of plausibility. Taking in orphans makes the rich richer?) They're just too evil to write about convincingly, unless you're an expert, I think, and maybe not even then. I would suggest you make them simply wrong, not awful: get to know them and the good intentions that created this stultifying society.
2cents.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited January 06, 2006).]
posted
I thought the second opening was a great improvement as well.
For the "everything taken care of for him" bit I think it could be fixed by just clarifying what was taken care of for him: food, shelter, clothing?
The biggest nit I have to pick is that you refer to "their" games but I don't know who "they" are. The way it's part of his train of thought the pronoun could refer to someone you haven't mentioned yet, but if it does you'd better let the reader know who it is in the next sentance.
The phrase "orphan birth" makes no sense, if you think about it. :-) Or else it does, and you've come up with an exceptionally intriguing SF world...
I like the way in just thirteen lines you managed to compress his entire life so far: "Growing up...when he was sixteen...here he was, five years later..." It's impressive to convey such a sense of his past with such succinctness.
posted
I've got a new version, going on what I learnt from the critiques above. I've left out description of this particular setting, wherever it is. I believe this same opening could be done in any setting of the world - planet Ura. The setting was very important to my previous version, though the fact wasn't shown in the first 13, and I believe that that's what I didn't like about it now. So here's my new version. Anyone who wants to read the entire prologue email me: cheiros_do_ender@hotmail.com. Full and short version critiques are all very appreciated, and I thank you all for your time. Here's my new first 13 (at least according to my word processor (we don't use inches here, we use centimeters by the looks of it):
----------------------------
Sacred Days - Prologue
Growing up, Halum Deluckim had had no responsibilities beyond Scripture study on Sacred Days and mundane chores all others. Sure, he’d had a fun life, but there was no one worth answering to that he actually did get to called to answer to, not even the Lord, whom he was now all but convinced wasn’t real. He’d been told the chores, apart from just keeping the Orphan’s Schools organized, were designed to teach the orphans discipline for when they came of age and were called to serve the Lord in maintaining His Peace. At the age of six he’d moved into another orphanage in another part of the planet Ura. They’d moved him and his peers to a larger school, and so on every three year, each time further away from the last orphanage than last time. The idea
[This message has been edited by rustafarianblackpolarbear (edited January 07, 2006).]
posted
Although I did not critique the first attempt I would like to give my opinion on the second... An improvement! The confusion has gone from this second attempt. Only the slight ambiguity(?) over this quote- 'Sure, he'd had a fun life, but there was no one worth answering to that he actually did get to called to answer to'- I may be at fault, but this doesn't make sense? Are you implying the MC never got a straight answer from anyone in the orphanages he attended? He questions his faith which can be a real trigger for most readers...why did he lose it? This story seems to be growing at a rate, good luck with it! Best Wishes John Mc...
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) that you really dislike these monastics. They somehow enrich the rich and impoverish the poor. (That's when you lost me in terms of plausibility. Taking in orphans makes the rich richer?) They're just too evil to write about convincingly, unless you're an expert, I think, and maybe not even then. I would suggest you make them simply wrong, not awful: get to know them and the good intentions that created this stultifying society.
