posted
I haven't finished writing this yet, I'd like to see how well the beginning is working. Any comments appreciated, especially what you think is happening and when/where this is set.
quote: “I’m not looking forward to school today,” Aaron said as he sat at the tree stump that served as a kitchen table with his sister and parents. Behind him the rock waterfall gurgled. “I have to be Lenin in History, sit in the Hot Seat, and answer questions the kids ask me about Communism.”
“Well, honey, I know you don’t like speaking in front of people, but I’m sure you’ll be fine.” Mom put another grilled tomato from the fire on his plate, earning her a weak smile from her son. The juicy tomato burst in his mouth just as his rear end grew burning hot, causing Aaron to jump to his feet and scream. His jeans were on fire.
Immediately Dad and Mom also stood up, and both made odd signals with their hands. Alana stayed where she was and giggled.
posted
From these first lines I have the impression that this story takes place in an alternate reality that is closer to nature than our own, but still has social institutions, like school and communism, and even has blue jeans. From what I understand, Aaron has magical abilities that he can't control. Aaron was thinking about being on the "Hot Seat" and accidentally lit his butt on fire.
As you rewrite you want might to watch the order of your ideas. Sentences like:
"Aaron said as he sat at the tree stump that served as a kitchen table with his sister and parents."
are funny because you mean to say that Aaron sat with his sister and parents at the table. As it is written, I could assume that the tree stump and the family serve as a table.
On a practical note, I'd expect the parents to immediately extinguish their kid, not waste time making obscure hand signals
I thought that Aaron was a convincing kid, and I liked his relationship with his sister.
posted
What I think is happening is that little sister cast a spell on Aaron, and Mom and Dad are doing a counter-spell. I think they're in a parallel world, where people eat dinner in the woods, and have heard of Lenin.
I'm afraid I also have the impression that you're trying to write well, talking about waterfalls gurgling and juicy tomatoes bursting in someone's mouth. (I'm not saying you had that in mind, but that's my reaction: it made me think about the text rather than Aaron's world.) It would make me skip a little to see if anything else interesting was going to happen.
This is really really a nit, but I think it's worth mentioning: "This happened *as* that happened" is a sentence construction that draws my attention, because I don't think it's a natural way of speaking.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited January 12, 2006).]
posted
Funny you should mention the details as trying to be writerly, Will. I was trying to establish right away the clear presence of nature in everything this family does. My original 13 had absolutely nothing in it besides Aaron talking about school and his mom reassuring him. The jeans happened on line 15. So I rewrote, trying to set the scene and the fact that this was indeed not just Anywhere USA, and have the supernatural element occurr, all in the first page to hook interest. If it sounds overdone I'll try to tone it down. I was worried about white box syndrome actually. Posts: 818 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
In the story, this is actually an isolated family that has their little quirks and powers, but still looks relatively normal on the outside, going to school and work and PTA meetings, in a normal town. Does it hurt me to let the reader form an alternative universe theory from the first thirteen, even though by the second page or so the above setting is established? Will the reader be flexible enough to revise their opinion without getting mad at me? Posts: 818 | Registered: Aug 2004
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But I don't form that firm an image from the 1st 13. I figure they're more to grab my interest, and I look forward to the rest of the story to clear up the niggling questions I might have had left concerning the setting.
On the opening itself, if there is no connection (as I presume) between Aaron's rear on fire and the tomato in his mouth, I'd consider rewording the sentence, because that was the impression I got from reading it.
And "gurgle" might either be a bit too much, or begging for a tad more description afterwards. Depends what style you want to establish.
My 2 cents.
Oh, and for the record: after reading this, I hesitated between the alternate history and the weird family in a modern-day world. What made me not so hot on the alternate history was the likelihood they would also have a Lenin who was associated with Communism. But I was waiting for some clarification.
[This message has been edited by Silver3 (edited January 13, 2006).]
posted
I think whether the family is one of a kind or not, that they are going to be in an alternate universe. I'd add just one or two more contemporary details to the early conversations (not neccesarily in the first 13) to clarify that the rest of the world is normal 21st Century earth.
Rather than say his pants are on fire as a simple statement, see if you can find a way to indicate at the time that the sister did something. Maybe just before he notices the heat he hears his sister whisper magic syllables...
posted
Minor nit: Since the family is obviously comfortable using their magical powers, I'd drop the word "odd" from the description of their hand gestures.
From your later posts, it sounds like an ineresting story, but for some reason the opening didn't quite hook me. Stories like this work better for me if the writer establishes the mundane first, then slowly works the fantastic in a little at a time. For example, let us see Aaron as this typical school kid, then he comes home to this really odd family life. The way it is written, the fantastic appears to be the mundane but later transforms back to being fantastic. It might feel like a letdown to readers who were expecting a world where magic is real to find just the everyday world is the setting.
posted
Agreed on the above comments, though I found myself well-hooked...despite the aformentioned awkwardness of a few sentences.
I had to read the line where his mother puts another tomato on his plate twice... mainly because of the second half, not the first. I think the wording after that comma threw me off track a bit.
I also second the advice to rework the whole gluteal spontaneous combustion bit. Make sure it's obviously connected to his classroom worries (if that was your intention in the first place).
The line where his parents stand is also a bit awkward...the comma interferes with 'and' in my opinion. It makes the flow of the sentence choppy. Perhaps '...stood up, both making...' would work better. 'Odd signals' is fine with me, as long as the characters themselves consider them strange. For some reason, the parents' reaction evoked a mental image: that of a first contact situation between humans and aliens, where two aliens jerk backward in surprise at an instictively-offered human hand. Don't know why...that's just the picture I saw in my mind's eye.
Inkwell ----------------- "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
posted
Minor nit: using the word signals instead of gestures made me immediately wonder who the parents were signaling to. The word just didn't fit the apparent intent and threw me out of the moment.
This is near-present, alternate universe where magic works and the people are at ease in the outdoors.
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