posted
Over the past year or so, I think I've posted several openings for this story, but I'm starting again from scratch. I don't know the total length yet, I'm really trying to write this as a novel. Keeping in mind that it IS a novel length, I feel I don't have to put as much stuff into the first 13 lines as I would for a 5000 word short story.
How is this working? Are the descriptions confusing? Are you hooked? Any other comments?
quote:Proty lay awake in the dim light of the stars shining beyond his family’s sleepleaf. The wind was strong enough to rock the huge flat leaf gently, lulling him towards sleep. But he was fighting his exhaustion as hard as his 12 year old mind was able. I’m not sleeping until Father arrives.
He passed the time as well as he could, trying to see constellations from where he lay, tracing the corners of the endlessly spiraling trunk of the Tree where his leaf connected to it, trying to distinguish as many snores as possible from the people laying on their own leaves all around him, and from his mother sleeping curled up a little way away on the sleepleaf. But mostly Proty watched the dim arched opening into the trunk where first his father’s head would appear, then the rest of him....
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 15, 2006).]
posted
I'm confused by the sleepleaf. It sounds like he's sleeping under a leaf, but I can't be sure. I think since you're going for novel length you can spend a little more time describing the setting.
posted
It's clear enough to me. I'll want to know soon what's up with Dad, but for now, yes, I'd keep reading.
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posted
Like everyone posting thus far, I'd keep reading.
About the only thing I'd suggest - and this is really a minor nit - is a little more description of Proty fighting sleep in the second paragraph. I'd use the sentence "But he was fighting..." to introduce the second paragraph in place of the first clause.
It is very clear to me, but I do have a couple of suggestions. Have you thought about hyphening sleepleaf in order to make it quicker to comprehend “sleep-leaf”. However hyphening might not be the best choice if you intend this to be a proper name of the plant. I am assuming “sleepleaf” refers to the whole plant rather than to the individual leaf.
I think, to really plunge your reader into the story, you may want to start off deeper in your POV’s head. By this I mean that you might want to delay telling the reader Proty’s age and instead let us feel the movement of the leaf and see what he sees, show that he is watching for his father and let the reader deduce that that is why he can’t sleep. If you will excuse a shameless rewriting: Proty lay awake staring at the stars that shone beyond his family’s sleepleaf . . . you know, now that I try to think of how to rewrite this I’ve changed my mind, if you are writing a novel, this is clear enough for a first draft. Let it go and get the story on paper. Worry about this when you get to the next draft.
posted
An interesting concept. I did get the impression that Proty and all his kith and kin are sleeping on leaves, so they must be Faeries or some other diminutive magical creatures. I will not comment on what's already been mentioned. I will point out a grammatical error that jumped out at me.
The word "laying" should be "lying". "Lay" or "laying" is the act of placing something somewhere, as in "Jane was laying out the laundry." It is an active verb, whereas "lie" or "lying" is a passive verb indicating that something remains where it has been placed, as in, "Jane left the laundry lying on the ground." The mistake in application is very common. I am very aware of it because my writing mentor had taken me to task for it a few times.
*edited for errors*
[This message has been edited by Salimasis (edited January 16, 2006).]
A couple people have made incorrect assumptions, but to be honest I'm not sure I can correct those within thirteen lines. If you're hooked enough to continue, hopefully those misconceptions will be corrected through the first chapter.
This is a very very challenging setting to describe accurately. The Tree is enormous, and the people are normal humans, colony settlers from Earth many generations ago. The average leaf on this tree can easily support the weight of five or more people, with some of the largest at the base capable of much much more. People sleep in blankets on the bare leaf. The reason I call it a sleepleaf is that his family also has a leaf for eating, talking, daytime activities. It's a tropical, humid environment near the equator, with relatively even temperatures near round. You see how I can't fit all that in the beginning? And there is much much more.
I think the level of confusion that some of you are at will be corrected with other snippets of description through the dialogue and action which follows the first thirteen lines.
Later I may ask for readers for the first chapter, but for now I'm just going to go away and write the dang thing.
posted
I thought the leaf was huge, now I'm confused. I wondered whether you could tell us whether they sleep under blankets or on mattresses or whether there is anything else like that around. The picture I have looks very uncomfortable/unpleasant sleeping arrangements.
If it is novel-length then I would read on, but want more setting/artefacts.
Edit: Should have read your post. Okay the leaves ARE huge, but they must also be very rigid and probably hard to lay upon. Do the characters sleep in the shallow valley of the central vein, like a sort of cradle? I can't seem to imagine a leaf flat enough to sleep anywhere else. It also made me wonder about what happens when it rains.
So with the opening where his father will emerge, is that like a passage way in the tree leading up from the ground to the sleep-leaf?
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited January 16, 2006).]
posted
I'd read on. I understood just what the sleepleaf was, but I probably read an earlier version (I say probably because I've been away from Hatrack for several months.) However, I can understand how seeing the stars "beyond" the sleepleaf might have given the impression that the leaf was overhead rather than underneath. It's going to be someone else's sleepleaf that's blocking his view.
Also, these two sentences threw me:
quote:But he was fighting his exhaustion as hard as his 12 year old mind was able. I’m not sleeping until Father arrives.
The abrupt shift from omniscient into really deep 3PLO is too big a jump for me.
Hoptoad's comments on the hardness and shape of the leaves are good. I can imagine that the leaves might be curled, or somewhat fluted even, so that each person could have their own "bed." But it would still be a lot like sleeping on a wooden floor, unless they had plenty of blankets underneath. (Not suggesting that you try to cram more description into the first 13, by the way--I think what you've got is just fine. I'm just saying that I see potential problems and potential solutions, and am curious as to exactly how you handle them.)
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited January 16, 2006).]
posted
When writing my first book, I found myself changing the beginning several times during revisions, and rearranging chapters to enhance the flow of the plot and the time line. While critical feedback on the first 13 lines is valuable, it should not cause you to stall. I think your decision to keep going will work out best for you. Once you have completed the manuscript and read it as a whole, you will have a good idea of what you need to do to revise the beginning. If you save the critique you received, you can use it to re shape the opening of your story. I think you write well and will improve as you journey through your manuscript. Good luck.
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posted
My primary concern was with the name "Proty". I didn't think of this as indicating a human being. Now admittedly this may be for the (very sad) reason that "Proty" was a sort of alien pet for Chameleon Boy in the Legion Of Superheroes (short for "Proteus") in Greek myth, but I think if you're going to use a name that basically feels alien, and a setting that clearly is alien, you need to make it fairly clear, quite quickly, that you are dealing with humans. Not necessarily in the first 13 lines, but certainly before we let our imaginations run too far in pointless directions.
If we are dealing with humans, then I do wonder why they're just sleeping on leaves. Humans have always adapted their environment to suit them, and I can't imagine that the first thing they'd do, if they were going to live up trees the size of a city, is employ all sorts of technology to stabilise the leaves against wind, put barriers round them, find ways of fixing them and binding them to one another, etc etc etc. But maybe there are good reasons that this hasn't happened...
posted
I'd be interested to see where you went with the idea of a family home existing in clusters of leaves- and interested to know how this living situation relates to the rest of the story you're telling.
Since you have so many comments about the content of your story, I'll limit myself to a few style points to take into consideration when you rewrite:
"to rock the huge flat leaf gently"
huge, flat (separating consecutive adjectives with a comma)
gently rock (keeping the adverb paired with its verb)
lulling him towards sleep (I prefer the simpler "to")
as hard as his 12 year old mind was able (awkward, especially the way the sentence ends with a verb)
The first sentence of the second paragraph is really, really long!
And as for the lie/lay issue, Salimasis has the basics right, but as you can verify on askoxford.com, "lay" is the past simple of the verb "to lie." "Was lying" past continuous. "Lay" past simple. So, I believe your use of it in the past simple was technically correct. An argument could be made that the past continuous is a more appropriate way of expressing an ongoing action. The past simple is better used for completed, finished action. The difference is, basically, this: "he lay down on the bed." "he was lying there when some other event occured."
The usage was ". . . the people laying on their own leaves. . . ." Since we're talking about the verb "to lie", the present participle should have been "lying". So everything you said about the issue, raconteuse, was true, except for saying that the usage in question was correct.
posted
The whole Proty thing is a little bit of an inside joke. You see, I first got the idea for this when I was thirteen. I hadn't a name for my main characte, I kept just saying "Protagonist". But that was a bit unweildy, so I inevitably shortened the word to "Proty". Over the next few years I tried literally hundreds of names out, but never found one that fit. So, he's Proty to this day .
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And how embarrassing that I'm so guilty. 
