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The man in the black ski mask pulled the trigger and shot the greasy, convenience store clerk in the chest. The shocked clerk dropped my change and flailed at the counter as he fell backwards. From behind the shooter came another man, also wearing a black ski mask and carrying a gun. The second man pointed his gun at a blonde woman at the back of the store who was retrieving a cold bottle of Cherry Coke from a drink cooler. Without hesitating, the second ski masked man pulled the trigger and shot the astonished blonde woman in the head.

I turned and saw the first shooter aiming at me. Fear froze me like an icy winter wind. My potential killer smiled at me, revealing deeply yellowed teeth. The second shooter shot a man who had been helping his two young daughters choose snacks.

That said, the first paragraph is a little weighted down by definite articles and adjectives. The man in the black ski mask, the greasy clerk. The shocked clerk, the second man, the astonished blonde woman.

I understand why all these people have no names (as I mentioned above). Perhaps some of the awkwardness of this annonymity could be lightened by minimizing the use of adjectives after definite and indefinite articles.

For example:
A man in a black ski mask pulled the trigger and shot the convenience store clerk in the chest. The clerk dropped my change and flailed at the counter as he fell backwards. From behind the shooter came another man, also wearing a black ski mask and carrying a gun. The second man pointed his gun at a woman at the back of the store who was retrieving a cold bottle of Cherry Coke from the drink cooler. Without hesitating, the second gunman pulled the trigger and shot her in the head.

For me, losing the extra adjective weight slims the story and makes the (exciting) action flow in a more convincing manner.

It needs a little work to make it flow a little easier. However, I like the mix of short choppy sentences with adjective laden ones. It reminds me of Dashiell Hammet's novels.

THE BEST DAMN LINE IN THE PARAGRAPH AND POSSIBLY THE ENTIRE BOOK!!!!......

quote:

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Fear froze me like an icy winter wind.

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Rock on!

The blocking of the scene needs a little work, and probably is contributing to the POV confusion. The MC sees "the man in the black ski mask" shooting the clerk and the second gunman coming from behind the first, then later on must TURN to see the gun aimed at him. Difficult to see both the two shooters and the clerk at the same time.

Looking at this from the standpoint of a witness statement, the MC says he is at the counter paying for the purchase and the clerk is gunned down in front of him. Where is the MC in relation to the shooter. Is the shooter behind him, off to the side, came out of nowhere and walked behind the counter or just walked in? How did the MC not notice the ski mask before? Did the shooters not have the mask on when they entered the store?

From a law enfocement standpoint, the MC will have to definitely answer some questions given this rendering as he seems to be implicated but that could be what you want to imply. That's the only thing that I think needs polishing.

Some stop and robs have those big mirrors in the corners of the store, maybe the MC saw all the action from there. As I said, that's my only question where was he standing. Without sufficient answers, the MC seems to know a lot more than he should have been able to know.

Also, there are a couple of things that I'm not sure about. The first is the use of smells. Does it work or does it need work? Second, I was thinking about having a flash on the clerk's left ring finger as he falls as an indication that he's married. I didn't put that in for two reasons: 1: I don't know that it makes much difference, and 2: It would push my dialogue onto the next page. I'd like to hear what you think on these two things.

I saw your point about the confusion surrounding the POV. I'd had a past conversation with my wife where she pointed out that sometimes starting with the first and last name of a POV character seems a little awkward and doesn't bring the reader as far into the scene as starting with a description of the scene itself. That might have worked better if there hadn't been another person in that opening description. But you guys are right, it didn't work here, so I've revised it and--hopefully--fixed it.

I've tried to work out the problems with the blocking as well and focus it only on what the MC could see. I like the mirror idea and had been using it in a previous version of the story that didn't have the gunmen. Let me know if I've still got something wrong or confusing.

wbrigs, I couldn't get that emotional response in these first 13 lines but it does follow. Trust me. Of course, based on everyone's comments, I think I need to rework through the entire story with an eye to the types of things you all mentioned.

I have to go out of town today for my Grandmother's funeral, so I don't expect to be back online until Wednesday. But thanks again for all your previous feedback and in advance for it on this version.

Oh, and other than revising with all of your comments in mind, I have one technical problem to work out in the story. Is it too early to ask if anyone would be interested in critiquing the whole thing or should I wait until the story is fixed up before asking?

Unless he knows the woman and why she's at the cooler at the back of the store, I wonder how he knows she's getting a Cherry Coke (TM). I really doubt he can tell what she's getting just by a glance in the mirror.

By the way, I'm sorry for your loss. =(

Suggestion: Instead of the mirror bit, try something like:

I turned to face the gunman. Behind him, his partner had shot a woman at the back of the store.
"Delilah says hi," said the first, pointing his weapon in my face. Fear froze me like an icy winter wind.

The natural reaction of anyone to sudden sound and movement is to turn toward it.

Secondly, do you know the story about the man with the donkey who went from village to village trying to please everyone, only to find that it was impossible? I can't remember why the donkey was important , but I do know that although this massive feedback is great, you will never revise to please every single reader. So make sure that you are expressing what YOU mean to say and emphasizing details that are important to the upcoming story that YOU know and WE do not.

As for the use of scent in the passage:

As a reader, I can only absorb so many details about the scene. I expect the writer to give me the details that are most important to the story. So unless the scent of gun powder and cigarettes has some connection to Delilah or is pivotal to some other aspect of the plot, I don't think the scent works for me.

As for the hook, I get a gut reaction to two things in this opening:

1) the clerk dropping the MC's change. Why? Because it is personal. MC was interacting with a living human being. The dropped change is a very physical manifestation of the loss of the clerk's life, and the MC's experience of that loss.

2) the line “Delilah says hi.” Why? Once again, the MC, who up to now is in shock, and is simply observing events, is suddenly forced into participation. It also involves the reader, making him wonder how a seemingly normal, respectable citizen like MC could be linked to the bad guys with guns.

You might try a rewrite keeping in mind these two "pulse points". Work out what physically happens during the shoot-out, but don't get too hung up on mirrors and angles. If the reader is anything like me, they are less interested in "camera angles" and more interested in MC's reaction to the events going on around him- and they want to know more about Delilah and how she links MC to the bad guys.

And don't get stuck going from village to village with a donkey Make sure to finish your story and get all your good ideas down.