posted
Hi this is my first post. Yikes! It is the first page from a completed novel of about 340 pages. It's a comic fantasy story some what like Terry Pratchets' or Tom Holts'. It is supposed to be a spoof on "The Hero's Journey" a non-fiction book by Joseph Campbell who was a comparative mythologist. He was an adviser for the first Star Treck movie and Star Wars (I believe.) Well here it is. Thanks in advance for your help.
Chris
Home…who would’ve thought that once out of sight it would be so difficult to find again. It’s not like you’re looking for the pin that’s holding up your pants. If you move beyond your house and include the neighbors and even tack on the surrounding hills and rivers, it’s a fairly big thing to misplace. But misplace it I have. Somewhere amongst the desserts and oceans it has slipped away. Well not so much slipped away as splunked like a bullfrog hitting the road, no perhaps splat is the better word. The clearing of phlegm and a sharp poke in my side drives away the image of the frog as I lurch away. I leap back again and let out a delayed yelp when I see the poker going for a second go. Standing in front of me is an old man. He has a long matted beard that reaches down to his waist. He’s carrying a sharpened
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 23, 2006).]
posted
It's certainly a challenge to write first person present tense, but I'm not sure you've gotten it here.
The two paragraphs seem completely unrelated to me and even though you're using first person I don't feel involved in the story at all. The MC talks like a narrator not like he's the one getting poked by the stick. There's no emotion here at all.
I'm also not sure I can connect having lost a home to a frog splunking (not a good word) on the road. In order to draw the reader into the story the tone needs to be different and not so, well, say clinical.
posted
The first 13 are courier 12pt with 1" margins.
Though colorful imagry is a strong point in this, the delivery fails.
Especially in first person, we need to know who "I" is. Give us at least a first name in the first couple paragraphs.
All the "you" references made me wonder for too long if I were reading 2nd person. I'm not a fan of any "you" references at all but these were too many.
Before the fat smeared blanet is mentioned, we need to know if fat smeared cloth is something we can expect as common or as a symbol of gross poverty. For all we know so far, everyone wears fat smeared cloth to stay warm and dry.
First person present tense is straining to read. I would not use this voice for a story over a thousand words.
posted
It's a brave (or foolish) writer who tries your kind of story and I'm a sucker for them It is hard to get a firm idea of what the rest of your novel is like but I'd certainly turn the page... Best Wishes John Mc
Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Thanks for your comments. They were really helpful. I still have it in the first person present tense but I am thinking of changing it. I have added a few lines to the top and the old man doesn't make it into my first 13. I'd love to know if you think this is an improvement over the first attempt.
My mother always said, “Nada, when you leave home, keep it on your left so that when you return you know it will be on your right." I’d tried to follow her advice but found it challenging at the very first fork. To be truthful my mother had never wondered further than the well just outside of town. Still, who would’ve thought that once out of sight, home would be so difficult to find again. It’s not like I’m looking for the pin that’s holding up my pants. Once I move beyond my house and even include the neighbors and perhaps even tack on the surrounding hills and rivers, it’s a fairly big thing to misplace. But lost it I have. Somewhere amongst the desserts and oceans it has slipped away.
[This message has been edited by FacePlant (edited January 24, 2006).]
posted
^^^ Much better. I do have a few semi-nitpicky suggestions, though.
First: The sentence beginning with "Once I move beyond my house..." seems a bit unwieldy. It's that repeated use of questioning thought ("and even" & "perhaps") that makes it hard to read, I think. Perhaps if you lumped "my house" with the neighbors' and eliminated one of the thoughts, it would flow better.
Second: I think (and this is more personal taste than anything) that you begin a new train of thought at the "But lost it I have" line. A new paragraph, beginning with that sentence, might illustrate this new extrapolation of Nada's situation.
I have no problem with the present-tense, 1PL point-of-view. I actually like getting into a character's head while they are dealing with a problem.
The first intro didn't hook me, simply because there was too much going on in a fragmented manner. However, the revision has caught my interest. I would read on, despite the little bumps in the road.
Inkwell ------------------ "The only difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
[This message has been edited by Inkwell (edited January 25, 2006).]
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