posted
I spent the whole paragraph trying to figure out what was happening, where he was, etc.; and there's no need for confusion, if you do a little rearranging and some short explanation.
young Timothy Hayes lay in his bed, trying to shake off the last few groggy aftereffects of sleep. The furnace was dead, because ... . The light in his room was ebbing, despite the fact that the sun was coming up, because ... . Such-and-such sound had wakened him ...
Even if you do this, however, you're still stuck with an opening in which someone is waking up in bed, and that's not interesting to me in and of itself. The furnace being out might be (if he's about to freeze to death, or if an ogre ate the fuel, or something), but your focus is on Timothy's groggy wake-up.
posted
I'm sorry. I could not get into this short as it is. For some reason my mind just did not want to read past the first sentence in the second paragraph. THe first line was fine. But it didn't seem to segue into the rest of this. Maybe it's just me, but I think a less dense (?) text would help.
Posts: 1580 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
Ditto Arriki on the density of the text. Its definitely a little wordy in places and gives the whole thing a cumbersome feel.
Maybe try culling a few adverbs/adjectives to fix it. For instance, the sentence 'The YELLOW glint of the RISING sun reflecting in the FROSTY window,' seems an effort to read to me because it's cluttered with adjectives that I have to work to imagine. (Maybe that's just my current frame of mind, maybe not).
Your writing will benefit from it, though, I'm sure.
Of course that's only my unqualified opinion. There is no rule as far as I'm aware about the amount adjectives you can use in a sentence, but I try limiting myself to one if any when I do the rewrites of my stuff. They're an important tool in descriptive narrative, and powerful when used sparingly in the right places. My ol' English teacher at school used to say your style of prose is defined by your puncutation and the adjectives you use, and I tend to agree, but just try cutting a few as an experiment, gauranteed your writing will read easier for it.
Good luck.
[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited January 24, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited January 24, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited January 24, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited January 24, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited January 24, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited January 24, 2006).]
posted
Try to shorten some sentences. It just feels like you're trying too hard. Just tell us what's happening, don't drown us in it.
Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
I confess my first reaction is "bleah"... not because of your style, but because of your choice of using "waking up" as an an opener. It's been done to death, and is a scene most often (over)used by new writers.
I think the reason waking up is ineffective as an opener is because the writer spends the entire time describing the surroundings. I think about my own awakenings. Who cares? I tell you, I NEVER look around me and contemplate my surroundings. My first thoughts on waking up are "Crap, I have too much to do today," or "I'm gonna kill the dog for waking me up."
My advice is: don't give so much of your precious opening word-count to adverb/adjective heavy descriptions. Jump right into your character's frame of mind. What is he THINKING as he is waking up?
Better yet, start him somewhere else... plunk him down in the middle of some action. I personally think the best spot to open a story is the moment where life starts to go awry for the main character.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited January 24, 2006).]
posted
As I stated in the small amount of text before the story begins, this story is not written simply as a creative piece. It is necessary to the theme that "the furnace is dead" be dialouge, and that the story begin with Timothy having just awaken.
I have edited the adjective use in the second line.
posted
I agree that the length of the sentences drones on somewhat. Just shorten them a bit and it should work well.
Posts: 32 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I realize that you have certain thematic ideas in mind for your story, but you still have to catch the reader's interest at the beginning and keep it. One of the main problems I see in these opening lines is that they are still oversaturated with adjectives, which causes readers to lose interest as it is cumbersome to read through. Fixing that may help to improve your beginning.
Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
The problem I have is there's this line of dialogue, and I have no idea who's saying it. Timothy is the only character "on stage" so to speak, so I don't know if he's muttering to himself, someone else in the room is saying it, or Timothy is just plain schizophrenic.
I'd find it much more interesting if Timothy would wake up and focus on the speaker rather than his surroundings.
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