posted
Looking for comments on this opening. What promises am I making? Is there a hook? Thank you. ********************************************
Five days on the radio turn into six, into seven. Whitaker calls you up: They want you to do three hours on Sunday. Your mother tells you she doesn’t like the way you’re going to end up. You tell her you’re just doing your work.
You’re seeing things I never wanted you to see, she tells you. And I know you’re doing things that decent people don’t do.
Like what, Mom?
I don’t even want to think about it, she says. Her voice gets thick.
I’m -- I’m -- you know. Your stammer tells her you’re being unjustly accused. I’m not doing anything. I’m an observer. I’m an investigator. I’m a documenter of the underneath.
What does that mean, Mike? What does that mean, really?
Until Pantros mentioned it I did not notice the 'you' thing.
I think it starts in a great spot, and would keep reading because I want to know what he means too.
Edit: Sorry, forgot to mention that I would be expecting that the MC would plumb the depths of the 'underneath' and hopefully make it through somehow having mastered it though not unaffected by it. I would hope to see whether the MC's mum's fears were realised.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited January 23, 2006).]
posted
I actually didn't notice the "you" thing either - it's hard to do 2nd person right but I'd say this is pretty close. Read Stuart O'Nan's "Prayer for the Dying" for a short master class on how to do 2nd person present tense narrative.
But I do think some punctuation would add to the clarity.
posted
I didn't notice the things others noted about your style. Even the lack of punctuation didn't bother me. I have to say I really liked the style, mostly because I didn't notice it.
What did bother me was the lack of information.
When I started reading, the first sentence made me think it was a musician whose music was getting airplay on the radio and is in a bit of shock about that. Because I had no idea who "they" were or what they wanted Mike to do there was nothing to keep that belief from continuing: I thought the three hours might be time in the studio or (highly unlikely) several interviews or maybe even a gig.
The mom's comments only seemed to support my beliefs. She thinks he's living a "rock star" life and he knows he's just playing music.
Then I got to "I'm an observer," and the story shifted in my head, just enough that I was confused. Because I have no experience with anything related to the term "documenter of the underneath" (yeah, I'm pretty innocent ) I expected some sort of definition or further hint in the next paragraph of what this guy does.
When I saw the character asking himself what it meant, I got turned off because I take that as a sign that I'm probably not going to get much more information than I've already gotten. Or it's going to be presented in a way that will probably confuse me further.
As I'm sure you can tell, I'm probably not in your intended audience if I'm not familiar with your subject matter. I doubt my comments will be useful but I thought I'd share them on the slim chance they are.
Once again, I really liked the style, TL. Very nice.
I really like the style of this. The loss of punctuation didn't bother me, I didn't notice either. The hook was good. I'd keep reading. Mostly because I'm curious about the tone and the secret of his job.
The only thing that really bothered me was:
quote:into six, into seven
It just felt like a typo when I read it, and made me re-reead. Kind of like a CD skipping.
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) I expected some sort of definition or further hint in the next paragraph of what this guy does.
