posted
hey everyone, I decided to switch out the beginning of my story for a different one. I've got 3728 words done already, if anyone would like to read that. ----- Thaddeus let out a deep sigh as he re-read the letter for the umpteenth time. A myriad of thoughts raged in his mind, each one linked to an action, each action opening a door into what could lead to disaster, or what could lead to, as Wallace sought after, a way to bring them out of the darkness. Confusion. Lack of direction. Pandemonium was all that reigned in the mind of Thaddeus Montgomery Morgrave. How had it come to this? Thaddeus paced the breadth of his small office. Frantically, he searched his memory for something that could perhaps be the cause of all this, and with it perhaps a solution. He had known Wallace for a few years, and their late-night discussions had been going on for over a year now. What Wallace had set off to do was clearly a part of what they would talk ------- gosh, this looks like more than 13 lines when i switch it over to this thing..... well, it was 13 lines on my computer..... anyhow, any feedback is greatly appreciated!!!
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 03, 2006).]
posted
Phew, that second sentence was a marathon. I had to reread it a couple times to make sure I got the meaning of it. It would help greatly if you broke that up or at least made it flow a little better. Given that, I liked the first sentence immensely. It caught my attention in ways some first sentences fail. Most of them fail, actually. Usually the next lines have to make up for a less-than-interesting first. The 1st sent. made me wonder what it was he was reading and why exactly he was rereading it. Very good.
Is Wallace WITH Thaddeus in the office? Is he on the phone? Is Thaddeus even in contact with him at the moment? Or is he merely thinking about Wallace? Make it clear.
"...but never had they suggested taking action as Wallace had." Did Wallace JUST say this, or was it in the recent past. I know... that's kind of specific for the first 13 lines or whatnot, but it helps with any confusion the reader might feel. I liked the portrayal of the emotion without making me feel (too) confused.
Like I said, you grabbed my attention on the first sentence. Make sure you keep it.
[This message has been edited by angelsnlullabies (edited February 02, 2006).]
You had me reading this one and enjoying it. You are using the rapid stream of words to convey the confusion and emotion that Thaddeus is feeling. It works. It needs polishing.
Two problems: specific wording, and context.
First the wording. "... or what could lead to, as Wallace sought after, a way to ..." is awkward. Certainly don't chop it into smaller sentences, because it is the length and complexity of the sentence that is helping to convey the emotion, but it has to be re-worked. perhaps "... or what could lead to, as Wallace had fervently wished, a way to ..."
Finally, the context. The excitement around Thaddeus' confusion is clear. All you need to do, IMO, is to include some slightly better indication of what has wrought the confusion. Be more specific, clearer.
This is all I would change. The rest is wonderful!
posted
At the risk of being repetitive: The second sentence is a monster that needs taming.
Just tell us what's going on. I'm not sure if Thaddeus is searching for a solution to why Wallace left or the situation Wallace left to confront. It even sounds like Thaddeus himself caused the problem to some extent. Is Wallace leaving to confront ALL the problems listed near the end, some of them, or something entirely different?
posted
This excerpt gets interesting toward the end, when you start getting specific. Build on that specificity.
Give us a brief tag to know who Wallace is -- "He had known Wallace who worked in accounting for three years" or "Wallace, the office cut-up." Let Wallace be a little more than a name, if possible, so we can start caring about him.
The length and complexity of that second sentence may help to convey the emotion, as PMoore suggests, but a little less length and complexity wouldn't be a bad thing. "Opening a door into what could lead to" would be less awkward as "opening a door to."
Also, I'd like to know who the "them" are -- Thaddeus and Wallace or all the people in the galaxy. And I'd like to know what the "this" is. You don't have to go into detail so early -- no info dumps -- but simply naming the pronouns would be helpful. Pronouns can make for ambiguous writing. Give us a hint. Instead of "the cause of all this," try something more specific like "the cause of the unrest in the galaxy" or whatever.
The pandemonium sentence read like a possible POV stumble to me, like an author comment instead of the inner rumblings of Thaddeus' mind, mainly due to the full name in that sentence. Maybe introduce the character's full name right at the start.
You have a lot of great possibilities here, especially with that last sentence. It's a strong hook.
posted
hey, thanks for the feedback! I think it will really help. if any of you wanna read the rest (it could clear things up), lemme know. once again, Thanks! Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I agree with an itro to the character right at the start. I must say that it sounds so like a male to think each possiblity through to an end before choosing a course of action. I would start the beginning maybe this way, for the intro without losing the power of the first sentence.
"He let out a deep sigh as he re-read the letter for the umpteenth time. Pandemonium was all that reigned in the mind of Thaddeus Montgomery Morgrave. How had it come to this?"
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