posted
Here's my first stab with the first 13 words of "Drifter's Luck", a book I've been working off and on for about ten years.
The jagged hole shimmered in the summer air. It was about three feet in diameter, tucked away like some abandoned child behind a large metal container. The ground surrounding it caved in, but not a bit of dirt fell into the irregular shaped hole. A stranger walking past would have expected to see the hard desert earth inside the break. Instead thick black oil filled the opening. This same passerby might get lost in the swirling depths.
It was good no one walked past.
The temperature dropped dramatically as the darkness inside the hole stabilized. Ice and frost gathered on the edges of the opening.
I would also greatly appreciate it if anyone was interested in critiquing the first three chapters as well.
posted
I'm lost. I read your first sentence three times. Did you mean that the temperature was high? What's the container? Is this hole in a place that someone might walk passed it?
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posted
Well, I had no problem at all. I could picture it very well. I don't know if we're on a farm or in a city, but the immediate environment, I get.
I would definitely keep reading. You don't have a POV character, but at this point, I don't care: the anomaly is interesting enough.
I'm not sure about critiquing a novel now; people form Hatrack groups to do this, often. But I'd read Chapter 1.
posted
I got a little lost, as well. I understood that the point was that there was this hole that shouldn't be, but the details escaped me despite three readings. I think my problem was that the prose lead me contradictory conclusions about a lot of the details. The writing itself isn't self-contradictory, but it lead me to split conclusions. For example:
-I couldn't tell if the hole was outside or inside ("metal storage container" seemed to indicate indoors, "dirt" indicated outdoors)
-I couldn't tell if the hole was in the ground or in the air
-I couldn't tell if the hole was 2 dimensional ("the break") or 3 dimensional ("swirling depths")
I was also a little put off by your imagery. "tucked away like some abandoned child" is an incredibly powerful image, and you're using it to describe an inanimate object. Not even an object--a hole in the ground. The danger with using emotionally powerful imagery is that the object of the imagery needs to be able to "deserve" the investment of the reader, or else the reader might resent being evoked for nothing. In other words, the rest of the chapter needs to demonstrate that this hole is the most important hole in the history of holes to justify the imagery first used to describe it.
My last critique would be a technical critique of "tucked away like some abandoned child behind a large metal container." The image is jarring because the second half falls so far short of the first. "some abandoned child" is powerful, specific, and eloquent. "large metal container" is weak, generic, and flat. "Rusty dumpster" or something like that--anything that matches the first part of the image more closely in tone and style--might serve you better.
I don't have time to critique three chapters, but I could take a stab at one.
posted
I had a strong mental image form of the hole in the desert, but since I live in Nevada, I have a definite point of reference.
I'm definitely intrigued and wondering what the hole is and why it's there. If I had picked up the book, I would have at least read until I found that much out.
posted
The description was difficult for me (I read the opening three times and I'm still not sure of the image), but not impossible. I was intrigued enough to keep at it, so you're on the right track.
I would change out the similes. Your description of an abandoned child didn't help me picture the hole or its placement. In fact, it confused me. However, I really like the sentence after that: it helped me see the image clearly.
The next-to-final sentence felt like a POV violation since up to this point we're looking at the hole from the outside. I think it would be better if you either cut that sentence, or rearranged the sequence of information so that it doesn't feel so out of place.
posted
Haha, I read that and thought...what the hell is a large metal container? J's right; 'Rusty dumpster' is a heck of a lot easier on the eyes.
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posted
Other than the fact that I'm not exactly sure how a hole "shimmers", it's a pretty good hook. The only thing I'd suggest to make it a bit clearer is moving the description of shimmering to after the point where the contents are described, but that's really a minor nit.
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posted
I'm usually the curmudgeon. I know this topic is for MidDark, but this will probably help him as well as me: there are things that I didn't get in the confusions reported. (I'm hoping that this will improve my ability to predict reader reactions.)
"The jagged hole shimmered in the summer air": this confused more than one. My immediate picture: a little wavering at ground level, like you get on asphalt in 100-degree weather--hot air giving the same effect on the ground that the whole atmosphere sometimes gives to stars: twinkling. If you didn't understand: are you from a cooler clime than me? Was it that MD said the hole shimmered, and if he'd said the air shimmered he would have fixed it?
I get that "metal storage container" is vague if it's really an oil drum or a dumpster. I'm picturing one of those big dumpster-like things they use for shipping. Why would this indicate indoors? How could MD fix it?
I get the part about the abandoned-child simile (although I liked it), and I get the thing about wondering if the hole is *in* the air, since it shimmered in the summer air. Still, it never occurred to me.
quote:"The jagged hole shimmered in the summer air": this confused more than one. My immediate picture: a little wavering at ground level, like you get on asphalt in 100-degree weather--hot air giving the same effect on the ground that the whole atmosphere sometimes gives to stars: twinkling. If you didn't understand: are you from a cooler clime than me? Was it that MD said the hole shimmered, and if he'd said the air shimmered he would have fixed it?
I get what you're saying Will, and I think you're onto something by saying the air in/near the hole shimmered or the area near the hole shimmered would clear up confusion. Holes are empty things, and the description of it "shimmering" made no sense until I hit the part about it containing a black oily substance. Shimmering implies light, which itself implies something physical: shiny oil reflecting it or heated air bending it, for example.
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