posted
I have only just started this thing even though I know how things are going to play out. Recommendations of starting in a different place have led me to this attempt. The feel is more porlogue to me, but it's short and sweet in it's defense.
The year was 3035 A.D. and thirty-five years after the hasty reconstruction of Rome, the Valley of Gauna still lay in ruin. The shield set in place over 4000 years ago was all but sealed again and the damage from “scholarly” archeological investigations made it impossible to rebuild. The Hallowed Ground from which humanoid life sprung was scarred deeply. Lucian stood on the Naga Mountain at the mouth of Kaesla’s cave staring at the vast devastation. He had lost some sense of time as he searched in vain for the ashes of his family. He found all but one despite the efforts of the archeologists to till the land until every last ash was scattered. The Temple was burned and all in it were thought to have perished. Vampires were being hunted
posted
For me, there's too much new or that I don't understand in this intro. You mention Rome, but then switch to another (unfamiliar) location, then discuss a shield built in 500 B.C. At this point, I'm trying to figure out where this story takes place, since I don't know of any shield over a location built in 500 B.C.
The sentence that first mentions Lucian, IMO, would be a better starting point. The other stuff can be introduced later, after the reader is interested in the MC.
quote:...the ashes of his family. He found all but one ...
This reads that he found all but one ash.
I am interested by the some of the ideas introduced here, but (again, IMO) they need to be introduced more slowly and later in the story so the reader isn't confused.
posted
I'm with Carlene. Lots of new information that feels like I'm being put into the middle of a story I know nothing about. It sounds intriguing, though. You got my attention with the vampire thing at the very end of this one. Other than that I just felt confused.
Your very first sentence are you wanting it to read "The year was 3035 A.D. and,(<--- inserted comma)thirty-five years after the hasty reconstruction of Rome, the ..."? It just doesn't read correctly without the comma dividing the thought process. Although you might want to think of an intro that just doesn't involve so much information that we don't know about. Is this a second part to a story or the beginning of a first?
posted
Whatever you do, insert a linebreak before you dip into Lucian's POV.
In some places, more commas would be welcome (such as that "Lucian" sentence).
In order to avoid a jarring feeling, you might want to get rid of everyhing that comes before "Lucian stood" thus: the year and the place moves as a header to the whole chaper. The rest of it goes into Lucian's POV (perhaps a little later than your first 13 lines). Something like that (this is just an example, your own style is of course going to be vasly different):
quote: Valley of Gauna (insert the continent here), 3035 AD (35 years after the Reconstruction of Rome)
Lucian stood on the Naga Mountain, at the mouth of Kaesla's case, staring at the vast devastation. He had lost sense of time as he seached in vain from the ashes of his family. etc etc.
You lose information, but you gain in immediacy.
Otherwise, yes, it's an intriguing beginning, and the "vampires" at the end definitely got my attention.
posted
Thanks Silver3. I understand what you are saying there. If I insert "He found all of his brothers but one" would that correct the ashes problem?
Gauna is a mythical place that I 'created'.
[This message has been edited by Susannaj4 (edited February 03, 2006).]
posted
Ah yes, well if it's a sequel then that would definitely explain it. Yeah definitely don't restate everything that's what the first book/part is for. Since it IS a sequel and you're writing with the presumption that anyone who's reading it has read the first one maybe have a little less of an introduction. Start right in on a scene rather than having a bunch of information right at the very beginning. Might even help hook those who haven't read the first book. I've just read a ton of sequels and trilogies and all that jazz and the latest sequel I read started right in on a scene regardless. But anyway, it's just my opinion and it's just a suggestion.
-ash
[This message has been edited by angelsnlullabies (edited February 03, 2006).]
posted
You might find that the critiques are a little more cohesive if you keep all your changes in a single post. When you start and stop the topic, readers are going to treat each one as an independent fragment, and are not likely to go back and hunt down your originals for comparison.
Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Interesting, but a little convoluted. What struck me was the last line "Vampires were being hunted." Why not put this right up front, PLAY UP up the vampire angle and work in other information along the way. (Always there were the vampire hunters who probed and sifted through the ruins at the Valley of Guana.)
Also, consider changing the name of the Valley of Guana. Guana is jarring in that it sounds too much like an actual place (Ghana).
Instead of telling us he lost sense of time, why not show us? - (Lucian was obsessed with finding the ashes of his family. He searched through the ruins until exhaustion and sleep overtook him. Sometimes he did not know what day it was, after awhile he didn't care.)
Keep at it - I would love to see this with, again, the vampire angle played up strongly.
posted
Another problem with "Guana" is that it looks an awful lot like "guano" or bat dung. On the other hand, you're writing about vampires, so maybe this was intentional . . . ?
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
Ahm, it's Gauna AU not UA. Pronounced GAWNA I went back to make sure I didn't mispell it.I didn't. It's weird that you would come up with that.lol. Hmm. I wonder if I need to change the name, but it's been Gauna for a year. I'll give it some thought. Thanks.
Posts: 341 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I think the problem of "too much information" is really a problem of "too much information I can't fit together." I think you're very close to having a great start. Detailed comments:
I get that there was a destruction of much of Italy, but I'm not sure if it was in 2006 or around 3000.
A shield was set in place around 965 B.C. -- what kind? An alien force field? Magic? Masonry?
The shield is almost resealed, but archaeologists rendered it impossible to rebuild; so how did it get rebuilt?
Is the Hallowed Ground Gauna? Was the whole earth destroyed, and we're in Kenya, or are we in Italy?
Scarred deeply: bulldozed? cursed?
Why would archaeologists want ashes to be scattered?
posted
Well, let me explain. This is a sequel as I said to "The Blood That Binds" and most of your questions are answered there. I was just wondering about that 'hook' for the first thirteen lines is why I posted it here. I also have "The Blood That Binds" posted too. I can answer your questions if you like, but I'm not sure everyone here is interested.
I was thinking though that this would appear on the first page, an abbreviated prologue if you will, and go straight to Jordan. Info on Lucian is vital and I am glad that I put it in there, but inappropriate for chapter one. I have rewritten what I want to be the first paragraph but I won't post it because it's the sequel and there are too many questions raised. Thank you for the questions though. I appreciate them and will revise sentence structure accordingly in the above post. Also, I might add that the names I have chosen for certain people, places, and things I have researched and gave them these names accroding to certain myths and legends or meanings. Gauna is not one of them. Gauna in Myth of the bush people of Africa is the keeper of spirits and is opposed to the creator of the world. In my story, Gauna is the birth place of human life. In an odd way, the meaning fits, but not quite.
[This message has been edited by Susannaj4 (edited February 06, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Susannaj4 (edited February 06, 2006).]
posted
After further searching, I found that Gauna means in Bahkti Yoga - 'That which posesses qualities' In Sanskrit-'Derived, Secondary' Gauna-rati- Secondary attachment. All of these definitions pertain to spirituality and God.
[This message has been edited by Susannaj4 (edited February 06, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Susannaj4 (edited February 06, 2006).]
posted
I'm fairly sure editors will tell you to restate any information pertinent to this book. Especially ones important to plot and setting. Even someone who has read it before will not remember all the details.
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Since it IS a sequel and you're writing with the presumption that anyone who's reading it has read the first one maybe have a little less of an introduction. Start right in on a scene rather than having a bunch of information right at the very beginning. Might even help hook those who haven't read the first book. I've just read a ton of sequels and trilogies and all that jazz and the latest sequel I read started right in on a scene regardless. But anyway, it's just my opinion and it's just a suggestion.
