posted
This is the beginning of a short story I am working on that has to do with obsession, social presumption, and narcissism.
Michael sat at his desk putting pen to paper. The woman from earlier heavy on his mind. This is what He wrote: I have for you an indulgence that only my coldness can convey. You cannot come into my life. I have room for you in my heart, but I am not to be the guardian of your soul. I am cold because I care. I care that you are cherished. My indulgence is for your protection. I haven't dominion over my eyes, mind, and heart. If you gave me your soul, you would feel shorted. I will show you that I care for you...by coldness that pushes you away.
posted
It doesn't seem to be written in a coherent fashion. By that, I mean sentences such as "The woman from earlier heavy on his mind" don't make sense. It's not a complete sentence, either in mechanical structure or in thought. The woman from earlier what?
There's a little too much repetition in it for me. We get it that he's cold and indifferent, and has a warped idea that proves he cares. It would be far more powerful if you say it only once. Repeating the concept weakens your point.
I'm not hooked. As wbriggs said, not enough to pull me in these first 13. The guy sounds like a jerk. I need to have the first 13 tell me why I should care about knowing more about him.
posted
I agree with Will you may have a good premise here, but Michael needs some fleshing out before we'll be interested enough to read what he is writing.
I think it would be more interesting for us to hear Michael's thoughts about the woman weighing so heavily on his mind and why that is. The note could show up almost anywhere in the story.
posted
What interested me was when you started talking about souls--that was the only thing that even remotely seemed different than a typical love-hate relationship note. I mean, it seems like we hear the "I have to push you away b/c I love you" line all the time. So instead of concentrating on that point, perhaps put more effort into what you mean by the soul thing. It sounds like its different than they way we speak of "giving your soul" in a symbolic sense. If it does have some other significance, bring it out instead of the repeating of the non-interesting stuff.
And then include his thoughts, like the others were saying.
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