posted
Science fiction, 6500 words, complete, looking for critiquers as well as comments on the first 13 lines.
quote:“Crew, we're short on cash for parking, so we're going either utopian or dystopian this time. No tourist planets! The daytime bridge crew will have a short list of candidates posted in an hour or so. Send your votes in no later than tomorrow. Captain Bristow out!”
Bristow leaned back and surveyed the daytime bridge crew. There was Barker, sitting up straight and rapping his knuckles on his knees, grinning like a psychopathic killer who had just been handed a spanking new chainsaw. Shorey was already digging into the ship's database, pulling up info pages on various planets. Goldberg wore the same expression of utter bewilderment and anxiety that had taken his face hostage ever since he came on board. Montclef was, as ever, scowling.
“Let's go dystopian!” erupted Barker. “Bring on the ladies!”
Don't worry. Despite having this Barker character in it, it's actually quite tame.
You have me curious. I took it that Barker was unstable, if not actually nuts. But then you tell us "it's actually quite tame." If he is not unstable, I would describe him in a different way.
This nit: "...erupted Barker." Maybe he screamed, yelled, or said works better.
posted
By "quite tame," I mean to say that the story isn't drenched in sex like some perverted, sicko people (not you) might infer from the text. Fortunately, it's not about Barker.
But yeah, he's nearly nuts. I'm glad I got that across, then. Heh. Thanks!
[This message has been edited by trousercuit (edited February 11, 2006).]
posted
This story won't be taking itself seriously, I think. It worked for Douglas Adams; in my opinion that was a weakness, although the rest of Hitchhiker's Guide was good enough to make up for it.
I think you can give it more solidity in these ways: * Give us a clear POV character up front. * Introduce us to fewer characters in the first 13. They all blurred together for me. We can get the others later.
posted
The POV character is actually Bristow, who starts by talking. I think it works in context, but not in 13 lines. (Do you suggest action rather than dialog?) This is the second time I've heard "spread out the characters," so there must be something to that...
Thanks!
My biggest beef with Adams is his near lack of character development. My second biggest is his apparent lack of story direction, though he manages to tie the major points up in the end. This story mostly doesn't take itself seriously - but I don't want to give much away, so I'll just state that I've tried my best to avoid those two problems. Comedy without serious undertones can be funny, but it's not very satisfying.
posted
I loved your opening. What a motley crew, described in such a way that the reader (that would be me) can picture each personality vividly (and may have known someone like them). Although probably not a "hook" per se, I was laughing by the second line of the second paragraph.
Now...if that's not what you intended, it's a bad sign. Otherwise, I found it completely fresh and entertaining.
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Fortunately, it's not about Barker.
