posted
About 2,000. I'm finished with it, and if you want to read the whole thing, just ask and i'll send it right over.
A loud “crack” echoed through the forest, and the man cried out, clutching his gut as he fell into the snow.
I smiled and lowered my Springfield rifle. “Got ya.”
A few hours ago, the Germans had tried another failed attempt to rush us. But after the hellish bombardment of artillery and waves upon waves of German men and tanks, we had still pushed them back. This particular Jerry had been stranded behind. For the past half an hour though, I watched through my scope in entertainment as he crawled through the white powder in the belief that he could make it back to safety at the German lines. But I soon became bored and decided to destroy the hope that he had held unto.
Now he laid there, his life bleeding away and whimpered like a
Thanks!
[This message has been edited by La'Klan (edited February 13, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 14, 2006).]
posted
You don't lower a sniper rifle after taking a shot, not if you've been scoped in for long enough to get bored.
The real problem is that you need to reverse the narrative order here. This opening is a miniature story by itself, the sniper sights in on a lone, helpless straggler who's just trying to sneak back to his own lines (this whole scenario isn't very probable either, you know). He considers his target, thinks it over, eventually he shoots him and the mini-story is over.
The secondary problem (in case I didn't mention it) is that I don't find the scenario/action/character very believable, and that ends up in a lack of interest. So you need to make this a bit more believable.
posted
The second paragraph felt to me like a cheat. It cheapened the first paragraph, which felt as though it were being told in an omniscient viewpoint. It wasn't, it was being told in first person viewpoint by a man who knew precisely what made the cracking sound. (minor nit: I'd italicize crack rather than put it in quotes)
The third paragraph felt like an info dump to me, a recap of backstory which is almost its own story. It also made me dislike the main character immensely. (another minor nit: use of word "but" twice in same paragraph to start a sentence stood out...as a conjunction it shouldn't really start a sentence at all, and though I willingly overlook this "rule" where artisti merit is concerned, doing it twice in short order felt wrong)
I suggest rewinding the story a bit and showing us a man alone in the woods hunting the enemy.
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