posted
I have this short story I wrote last year that I've been studiously ignoring. However, I was wondering if anyone would be willing to read it and tear it to pieces. The story is left open for a whole novel, so i want to see what people think about it.
It's 9000 words and Sci-Fi based in the real world. Once again, I seem to have a nice knack for cheesy setups--but don't worry its not an Indian Jones-type story.
First 13 lines:
“Keep digging, men, we’re almost there!” Sean’s voice sounded harsh above the silent night with only the ring of shovels filling the quiet crater. The men all grunted their assent to his encouragement. With eleven months of digging by machine, then two years by hand, it had been a long dig—the longest Sean had ever been a part of. They now had a crater bigger than several large houses. Now it was almost over; they had come to the top of the entrance. He stood up straight and took it all in with the pride of accomplishment. The edifice spread wide before him. It was unlike anything he had ever seen before. The building seem to spring up out of the ground. The base, at which he stood, was wide and solid, and quickly shrunk so that it was only a couple
I know those 13 lines could use some work, but I wanted comments on the whole thing since its done.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 12, 2006).]
posted
"grunted their assent to his encouragement." Are you sure assent is the word you want here? Consent maybe?
The other thing that catches my attention, is the timeframe spent digging in proportion to the size of the hole. Eleven months by machine alone would be well more than 'several large houses.' When I think of digging machines, I'm thinking of the construction equipment seen today... backhoes, bulldozers, that sort of thing.
Also, two years of digging by hand sounds unbelieveable. Maybe if you add something about the process, it would clarify why it took so long, or why machines weren't used for another 18 months. If this is supposed to resemble an archaeological dig, I don't believe they use machines at all.
Hope that helps, pjp
Edited for typos.
[This message has been edited by pjp (edited February 12, 2006).]
posted
Do they not use machines? I'm not sure. It doesn't really matter--it was only suppose to illustrate the magnitude of what they were doing. Not really an important point. I suppose I could take it out of the first 13 lines then...
Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
An initial Wikipedia search suggests machines are used (I'm amazed), but only initially: "It is common for large mechanical equipment, such as backhoes (JCBs), to be used in excavation, especially to remove the topsoil (overburden), though this method is increasingly used with great caution. Following this rather dramatic step, the exposed area is usually hand-cleaned with trowels or hoes to ensure that all features are apparent."*
So you could probably use it. Timeframe just didn't sit right with me I guess.
posted
Eleven months of machine work is way too long. You'd use the machines for a week tops (usually only a couple of hours, really). Then you go by hand, shovels at first, slowing down to hand picks and trowels as you hit high concentrations of valuable stuff.
Also, your first line doesn't make any sense at all. They would have been finding artifacts the whole time, by this stage they'd be digging very slowly. If they'd been eager to clear the entrance, they would have excavated that first, and it wouldn't have taken even a month. If you've ever looked at a dig, they don't like to clear the whole thing level. You dig carefully located pits and expand them, sometimes making a bunch of inverted step pyramids, though it depends on the dig. So making a well to a specific target isn't much more difficult, and if you're eager to reach it there's no sense in waiting for the rest of the area to be excavated.
posted
Lol...that's what I get for just guessing. Should have done some research...
Definitely have to for a rewrite on this one after i see what krazykiter has to say about it. It was my first short story I ever wrote, so I'm sure its not very good. Besides, its more of a story about an idea...rather lacking in plot. Perhaps I'll use what i came up with in it to write a different story...the whole archeological thing just doesn't seem all that great.
posted
If you learn from it, then it isn't "bad." Keep it, and maybe it'll be useful as a trigger for something else.
As for the archaeolgy parts, don't be specific, since it really isn't necessary. I don't think any of the IJ movies went into details about the digs. They just showed a site with some work going on. Focus on the story instead.
posted
I'm just about done. Should be on its way later today. I tend to make lots of notes. (You *did* say tear it apart <evil grin followed by maniacal laugh> :-)
Seriously, though, it is more of the backstory/premise to the *real* story you'd like to write. It's a very interesting concept, one I think you really ought to work on. I threw out a number of ideas that might help get the creative juices flowing. There's a fair amount of usable stuff in your story, and you can probably save the archeological aspect to some degree.
I'll save the rest for the crit, but I like your idea.
posted
Post a message here if you got it. I was having trouble emailing it. I'll try again tomorrow if it didn't come through.
Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2006
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That was an amazing edit . It taught me a ton about the problems I tend to have in my writing--you hit on every one of them. I also found your suggestions extremely insightful.
I think that I will keep this as the beginning of a longer story and do some serious editing with it. I love your idea of the Cain and Abel parallel and will definitely throw some conflict into it. I'm currently working on my other story but I'll do some work on this one as well as the time comes. When I get it thoroughly redone I'll have to send you the rewrite.
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I'm excited to see what you have to say!
