posted
I hope that this fits the 13 line parameters. Any feed-back would obviously be appreciated.
My mom spoke a different language. I don’t mean that she spoke a language from a different generation, although that was certainly true. I mean, like the times when I would find her talking to a sizzling cheese-glass of alka-seltzer in words that I couldn’t understand. When I would ask her who she was talking to, she wouldn’t even look at me. She would just rock back and forth on her feet and say “Oh your Mom only has half a brain” How could any one have half a brain? Later, when I saw what a brain looked like, I had visions of her skull with half of her brain missing, but I could never figure out what the other half of her head was filled with. Because my mom only had half the brain of other moms, I had a lot of freedom. I played outside for hours. I went to other
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 07, 2006).]
posted
hmmm, it didn't hook me. don't get me wrong, it is good writing, but it doesn't leave me wanting more. however, i do wonder how the mother only has half a brain. and i liked the first line.
Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2006
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Thanks, Although I've thought about this story for a while, I've only written about 2000 words so far. I am writing it as fiction, but lately, I've been considering adding some supernatural elements. I guess I am going to see what happens. Maybe that is not a good approach.
posted
I'm not sure it's something I'd necessarily read through as 'general fiction.' The horror element might intrigue me enough though. I was thinking the 13 line limit is unfortunate though, so I was definitely interested enough to read some more.
I was confused with two parts. First, the word cheese-glass. I've never heard of it, and a cursory search at dictionary.com, wikipedia.org and Google didn't help me. Only minor though, and could just be me.
The other item was the reference to the mother having half a brain, which I assumed was figurative when she said it. Later though, it seems referred to as literal with "Because my mom only had half the brain of other moms, I had a lot of freedom. [...]"
If it is clarified more in the next few paragraphs, then it may be fine. Otherwise, it struck me as 'not quite right.'
posted
pjp, I think the MC was using his mother's language to describe her eccentric tendancies.
CReeves, keep up the good work! From your first 13, I would keep reading. As for whether or not to include supernatural elements, here's the rule of thumb I've heard: Only use it when nothing else will do. Often science fiction either requires a technology or strange reality in order to tell the story, or it is allegory for subject matter readers may find too personal if set in their own world. I think the same rule should apply to fantasy and other spec fiction as well.
Edited for clarity.
[This message has been edited by apeiron (edited February 07, 2006).]
posted
pjp Thanks cheese-glass referrs to the glasses that cheeze spread came in during the 70's often the small glasses were kept as drinking glasses.
The 1/2 brain is because of the mother's ecentricities if you will, but will lead to more.
I am releived that it caught more than one persons attention.
Aperion thanks for the tip about the supernatural. Perhaps when I get a chapter done, you would be willing to read it.
posted
My suggestion: don't give us a false impression (Mom speaks a different language, possibly meaning generation-gap stuff) and immediately correct it; give us a true impression from the beginning.
Another small suggestion: take us to a specific time and place.
I didn't understand at first how strange my mother was. Once when I was eight, I found my mother talking to a sizzling cheese-glass of alka-seltzer in words that I couldn’t understand. When I asked her who she was talking to, she wouldn’t even look at me. She just rocked back and forth on her feet and said “Oh, your Mom only has half a brain.”
You may be falling into the problem of going halfway between summary and scene. I suggest going to extremes: if it's interesting enough to show (and this is), show it; if not, summarize it quickly, and get to another interesting scene.
posted
Actually, I think that using a naive/unliterary voice for a first person narrator can work well. And it does here. As long as the story is going to be about his mom and her different language.
I would caution against simply adding supernatural elements to this story. If you add supernatural elements, they must be the focus of the narrative, and it will be a completely different story. It could still use the same beginning, as long as the supernatural elements are directly connected with her strange language. But the rest of the story would have to be fundamentally different, with one possible exception being if the story is really about discovering some kind of really extraordinary reason she was like that.
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