posted
I've been working on this sci-fi short story the last couple of weeks; it's up to about 2500 words. I'm not going to say much about it except that it's in the sub-genre of alternate history, maybe with a nod to Heinlein (hence the working title).
Looking for feedback on the opening -- do you want to read on? All comments much appreciated!
In the middle of breakfast this morning Father announced – his air reeking of whimsy – that we would be taking holiday this year on Oberon. Needless to say, this wasn’t greeted with much enthusiasm by myself, Theodore or Hambrick. I had hoped to visit Europa or possibly even Venus, but Oberon?
“But Father,” Theodore whined, “we will be simply overrun by the plebeian masses if we go there. Ever since Prince George espoused the holistic virtues of the southern waters nearly every commoner has aspirations to visit.”
“Yea, verily, they all think a good soaking will imbue them with the peace and wisdom of Gaia,” added Hambrick.
“Nonsense,” replied Father and pulled the Morning Star
[This message has been edited by Omakase (edited February 21, 2006).]
posted
I'm going to do this one a little differently than I usually do -- inline. There were a lot of thinks I was thinking as I read this and I want to show you how one person reacted in each moment of this opening.
quote: In the middle of breakfast this morning Father announced – his air reeking of whimsy – that we would be taking holiday this year on Oberon.
This sentence was difficult for me to parce. I had to read it several times to get the meaning. One thing that threw me was the "--his air reaking of whiskey--" Another thing was the "In the middle of breakfast." It just doesn't sound like a normal way of saying this...At breakfast...While eating breakfast...may others but this felt a bit clunky.
quote:Needless to say,
If you don't need to say it, then don't. But I suspect that you do need to say it so that I understand the story problem.
quote: this wasn’t greeted with much enthusiasm by myself, Theodore or Hambrick.
grammar error..."Theodore, Hambrick, or I."
quote:I had hoped to visit Europa or possibly even Venus, but Oberon?
Good bit here. Gives us some idea that there's a problem with Oberon without losing the setting.
quote: “But Father,” Theodore whined, “we will be simply overrun by the plebeian masses if we go there. Ever since Prince George espoused the holistic virtues of the southern waters nearly every commoner has aspirations to visit.”
“Yea, verily, they all think a good soaking will imbue them with the peace and wisdom of Gaia,” added Hambrick.
"As you know, Bob..." This bit of dialogue felt unrealistic to me in the sense of the "as you know" problem we often run across in scifi
quote: “Nonsense,” replied Father and pulled the Morning Star
What's nonsense?
I'm afraid you don't have me hooked with this opening. I think it might help if you got us inside your main character's head and really showed us the things he's seeing and feeling. This will help give us a sense of danger. It will also provide us with the necessary information without the need for a bit of dialogue that doesn't feel quite natural, somehow.
posted
What bothered me about this was that Hambrick and Theodore really talk goofy, but the narrator--presumably their sibling, with the reference to "Father"--writes in a very conversational tone (by current standards). Why the discrepancy? In fact, Theodore and Hambrick don't speak the same. Theodore sounds like he's trying to imitate Lord Piffleshoot, whereas Hambrick is attempting some form of the clergy (though he ruins it with "a good soaking"). If, in fact, one or both are really doing a put-on, it's probably a bad idea to have them do it in such quick succession at the start of the story.
As for "myself, Theodore or Hambrick" . . . well, this is first person, and although strictly ungrammatical, I've heard people use this construction quite often. It doesn't bother me. But if you want to correct it, it would by "Theodore, Hambrick, or ME" . . . not "I". That really would bother me.
One other nit. Unless this story is going to conclude by the end of the current day, you probably shouldn't start out with "this morning".
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited February 21, 2006).]
posted
oops...and i just realized what got me about that sentence...passive voice. i was thinkin of it in active tderms "theo, ham, and I did not greet the news with much ednthusiasm"
[This message has been edited by Christine (edited February 21, 2006).]
I have a pet peeve about the words: 'Needless to say,' but in this case it may fit with your characterisation.
I have an image of these three diletantes with spoons poised above their boiled eggs (neatly opened and sitting in dainty silver egg-cups), a look of withering disdain, grave displeasure and subvertive cunning on their respective faces.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited February 21, 2006).]
posted
I didn't like "his air reeking of whimsy" in the middle of that first sentence, and the speech patterns were off (as rickfisher said), but I like it so far and would read on.
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posted
The air reeked.... my first thought was, "Did someone pass gas?"
The voice of the narrator... to me, it misses the mark. It's over the top, in my opinion... not funny, just bizarre. A few words here and there, but my first thought is: "I'm not willing to wade through this obfuscated language for an entire story." Plus it doesn't seem to fit the age of the characters.... children don't use language like that. I am not hooked.
posted
Sigh. I rather liked it. But can you keep the English-upper-class-snobbery-Dickensian-air going through the whole story?
This one paragraph didn't work for me
“But Father,” Theodore whined, “we will be simply overrun by the plebeian masses if we go there. Ever since Prince George espoused the holistic virtues of the southern waters nearly every commoner has aspirations to visit.”
Do you really need the Prince George part? I'd prefer just the stuffy part.
“But Father,” Theodore whined, “we will be simply overrun by the plebeian masses if we go there.”
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited February 22, 2006).]
posted
The only problem I had was with the "as you know" info-dump in Theodore's comment. Otherwise, I didn't find it confusing. (But since others did, I'm sure it's worthwhile to simplify it.)
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posted
I liked Theodore and Hambrick's snobby dialogue. I would have kept reading. I'm afraid I'm with everyone else on "his air reeking of whimsy," though.
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posted
Wow, thanks all for the feedback. I am surprised how polarized the responses are...
In hindsight I see that the dialogue is a little over the top... I wanted the reader to pick up the setting quickly, but I guess I don't need to hit them over the head with it.
Thanks Hoptoad for the breakfast scene reference - I read it and it was quite hilarious actually.
It seems the only thing that was unanimously agreed upon was that "his air reeking of whimsy" did itself, in fact, reek!!
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