posted
This is currently a 2960 word story. I wish I could post more because the first 13 lines don't really set the tone of it very well. It's historical fiction taking place during the Vietnam war but it isn't the standard "War Novel," much of it deals with him coming back from war.
I'd really like for volunteers to read the whole story and let me know what they think but this part has always bothered me so any comments would be appreciated.
January 13, 1970
I force myself to smile when I see Anna looking up at me.
She begins to say something but stops. Instead, she presses her lips against mine. I wrap my arms around her shoulders and whisper in her ear that I’ll be back. I try not to think about the baby pressing against my uniform through her dress.
“Just don’t volunteer for anything that’ll get you killed,” she says as her head lifts and her arms loosen. She puts her hand on the back of my neck and pulls me in for a another kiss before I go. I tell her I love her but I can’t seem to force the words good-bye out of my mouth. I end up giving her an awkward “See ya, later” instead.
I pick my suitcase up and walk out the door as the bus
[This message has been edited by zipperhead409 (edited February 24, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 26, 2006).]
posted
I skipped down and read the first thirteen before I read your comments. I got that he was going off to war. It's in present tense.Is the whole thing like that?(Just wondering). I thought about the short choppiness of the beginning sentences, but then I got into the flow of it.You set the tone quite nicely and I can envision many scenerios. I do wonder though, who is talking. I know a lot about the MC based on these lines except a name. Conflict already set up, internal as well as external.
Posts: 341 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
To me it's a good setup. While I don't know that he's going to Vietnam, I still feel the tension that he's going someplace for awhile and that it's not a fun trip. I know you can't say everything in the first 13 lines, but the title of the story might also set the reader in place and time.
You are using "it's" incorrectly. Possessive form is "its".
The main character is an infantryman named Michael in the army and yes, the whole thing is going to be present tense.
You probably don't know how much I truly appreciate your compliments. I was worried since I first started this story that the beginning was too sappy. I think I should wait for more replies until I start celebrating though.
posted
I would like to know up front that he's going to war (and which war). The "sappy" aspect wasn't inherently a problem, but there wasn't enough to hook me yet.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
I liked this opening and would be interested in reading more. I'd be happy to read the whole story, if it's OK that it'll take me about a week to get it back to you.
Posts: 150 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I too liked this opening better, but in both openings that I've read you have not shown an SF element if any kind. I know you can't tell all in the first 13, but something has to be there dosn't it? Especially if this is going to an SF or Fantasy periodical. Anyway, I liked it, but would not read more if I was expecting the fantastic. By the way, if you would like the e-mail address of a Vietnam Veteran. I know several who could help you with descriptions of the jungle, the weather, and the lingo, (nomenclature). I will be glad to read the rest of the story.
Posts: 84 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Actually, I don't think this is exclusively for Fantasy/SF, though they are the predominant genres.
For me, the opening didn't grab. In a sense, yes, it's the start of the story, in that he's going off to war, but if this is a short story, I'm not sure to what extent this opening is necessary. It does establish a few things, but it doesn't really grip me, it doesn't make the story stand out from, well, from that of any of the (presumably) tens of thousands of other guys going off to war. I think I want more immediacy at first. After all, if you're going to date each section and use present tense, you don't have to tell the story in strict chronological fashion...
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