posted
I fixed this up a bit, clarified a few things, and also fixed some diction I caught in rereading it. I think I need to rework one sentence, but let me know what you think now.
“Captain Benteen!” A voice shot across the broad, dusty parade ground. The gangly captain sprinted across the warm asphalt, and skidded to a halt just within the shadow of a large steel and concrete bunker. The shadow of Mr. Brigham, the Mission Assignor for the base gestured his way. Captain Benteen briskly stepped under the shadow of the building, and edged closer to the wall.
posted
Just upon a quick read, you've got an awful lot of shadows -- 3 in 4 sentences posted. Also be careful of overusing advervbs (adj too). Do you need to say the Capt. "briskly" stepped ?
You've got more room available to post more lines -- maybe your hook is coming soon?
posted
The second sentence doesn't feel right. As written, it sounds like the Captain sprinted across the asphalt after Brigham called to him, then stopped. I'm not exactly sure that's what you're trying to say.
The scene needs a little more clarity. It's hard to tell if Benteen and Brigham are skulking around or if Brigham merely interrupted Benteen's workout session. The references to a voice "shooting" across a wide, open area (which implies loudness) contradicts the surreptitiousness implied by shadows and edging closer to the wall.
posted
For what you have, I'm interested. But the remainder of your 13 lines need something more compelling.
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